


Rain and Rainbows

by Kate_Shepard



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Graphic Descriptions of Injuries, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Non-Canon Relationship, Oral Sex, Past Character Death, Polyandry, Polyfidelity, Porn, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Post-Canon, Post-Destoy Ending, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Renegade Commander Shepard, Rough Sex, Slow Build, Smut, The Star Brat Lied, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 16:53:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 62,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6384637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_Shepard/pseuds/Kate_Shepard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Shepard was forced to make difficult decisions and impossible sacrifices during the war. Now she has to live with the consequences of those choices and they have almost destroyed her. Can two unlikely people help bring her back?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> BioWare owns the Mass Effect universe and all characters. I just play with it for my own entertainment.

2186 C.E.

 

"Holy shit, Feron, I think it's her! Help me get her out!" Kolyat shouted as adrenaline flowed through him to replace the exhaustion and pain. Through the open arms of the Citadel, they could see the thousands of Reapers hanging motionless in the sky. It looked like the fleet had jumped to safety from the sinister red light that had exploded from the Crucible less than an hour before. He dug frantically through the rubble, having trouble differentiating between scorched debris and the charred body making that awful gasping sound.

Feron ran over to him, ignoring the lifeless bodies of what used to be both the human admiral she'd viewed as a father and what he thought was once the Illusive Man. Together, they put their shoulders beneath a heavy blackened block of concrete and pushed it off of her legs. She grunted but didn't otherwise react. Kolyat looked at Feron in concern before looking down at the thing that could only be Commander Shepard. She was so damaged he couldn't be certain of anything but that it was a human female and was at least somewhat alive. No one else could have survived all of that. Feron knelt down and flipped over one of the dog tags hanging around the human's neck. Wiping away the soot with a bloody finger, he nodded. "It's her, all right. Goddess of Oceans, Kol. I don't think she's going to make it."

Kolyat scanned her with his omni-tool and shook his head. Her vital signs were thready and her injuries were so extreme he didn't know how she was even still breathing. She'd told him once that she'd died already and had been put back together with cybernetics. They had to be the only things keeping her alive right now. She was covered in burns. Her armor had been blown off at some point and the remaining pieces were embedded and melted into her skin. Most of her bones were broken and some were crushed entirely. The internal injuries were massive.

"Bailey! Haron! Chellick! Anybody on this frequency?" he called into his comm.

There was a burst of static and then Bailey's voice said, "Krios, is that you, son?"

"Affirmative! I'm on the Presidium and I have Commander Shepard. She's in bad shape. I need immediate transport to Huerta or whatever medical facility is still standing."

"I can barely hear you. Shepard is alive?" Bailey asked.

"She is now but she won't be for long. Uploading my coordinates. Get someone to my location now!" Kolyat answered.

"Can you get her to the transport station?"

"I don't know. If I move her, I'll probably kill her."

There was a pause. "You're going to have to risk it, son. I'm on my way but I can't get in contact with any of the medical staff."

"Shit." He looked at Feron with wide eyes. This was Commander Shepard, his father's closest friend. She'd just saved the galaxy and now it was up to them to save her and he didn't know if he could touch her without upsetting whatever delicate balance was keeping her alive. She groaned and opened her eyes. They were too white and too wide in her soot-covered face. They locked on him. "Shepard! Don't try to move. You've been injured," he told her.

"No...shit," she breathed, closing her eyes again. "Thought you...came to...take me to... the sea."

She thought he was his father. "I'm not Thane. I'm Kolyat. Feron is with me. We're going to get you out of here but it's going to hurt."

"Do...it." Her voice was barely audible and laced with agony but the words were a command nonetheless.

Kolyat gingerly slid his arm under her knees and another behind her back, thanking Arashu that her spine wasn't broken. Feron removed what was left of his leather jacket and folded it to give extra padding between her head and Kolyat's shoulder. Cradling her like a child, he carefully began to pick his way through the rubble. Feron cleared a path ahead of him, using his own omni-tool to guide them since neither were entirely certain where they were or how they'd gotten here. They'd been running and fighting for what felt like days. It was all a blur in his mind right now but he knew soon enough that it would straighten itself into a perfect clarity that he truly did not want.

Their progress was slow and the medigel Feron pumped into her at every opportunity didn't seem to be helping much. He knew that every movement he made was excruciating and he was trying to be as careful as possible but the Citadel looked like the war zone it had been. The once-pristine Presidium ring was a smoking ruin. Entire sections of the ward arms around it were broken. Shattered concrete and twisted metal and darkness, that's what the Citadel was now. A graveyard littered with the dead and dying. As he walked, he repeated the prayer he'd said for his father all those months ago. He didn't know if he was praying for her or himself or everyone but he knew he had to pray.

His foot caught on a twisted piece of buried metal and he inadvertently jostled her in trying to keep his balance. The sound she made froze him in his tracks. It wasn't precisely a scream. He couldn't imagine Commander Shepard ever screaming. But with the hoarseness and weakness of her voice it didn't quite manage a shout, either. What did come across clearly was pain. "I'm sorry, Commander," he said, knowing there was nothing he could do or say to make it any easier on her.

"I'm...okay. Don't...stop."

He pushed on, watching his step more carefully now. It was almost a shock when they finally reached the transport terminal. Bailey, looking as ragged and exhausted as the rest of them, was waiting with a skycar. "Shuttles are all busted," he said in explanation. "I requisitioned the first working vehicle I could find." He looked at the commander in his arms and breathed, "Holy mother of God. Get her in there. Careful now. Huerta is still standing, sort of, and I've got Dr. Michel waiting."

Bailey and Feron helped Kolyat into the vehicle so that he didn't have to move Shepard any more than necessary. She still hissed in a breath of pain when he sat with her. "Hurry, Bailey," he said.

The other two climbed in and Bailey took off. "The wards are a mess. Most of the buildings are severely damaged and many flat-out collapsed. I don't know what she did, but all of the Reaper forces are dead. That shockwave was powerful. Blew the station apart. It's chaos out there. I don't know where most of my men are. We have no idea how many are dead. There were explosions everywhere. We'll be pulling bodies out of the rubble for months and I don't know if we'll ever find all of them."

"The...Reapers?" Shepard gasped.

"Dead," Bailey said.

"You did it, Commander," Kolyat told her. "You won. It is over."

"Over," she repeated on a sigh and then went limp.

"Bailey!" he shouted in alarm.

"She's unconscious," Bailey said quickly. "Probably a mercy. Don't try to wake her. We're almost there."

Kolyat looked out the window at the destruction below. The ward was a gray wasteland of rubble and dust. Jagged buildings rose up here and there like broken teeth. Fires still burned in places and cast an eerie glow. The smoke from the fires and explosions hung over the ward like malevolent storm clouds. He could barely believe that this was the illustrious Citadel, the center of civilization. Nothing in his life had prepared him for this and it felt surreal. He had thought things were bad when the refugees had started showing up. Working in the camp had been disheartening. Now, most likely, all of those people he'd come to know over the last year were gone.

"What happened to the _Normandy_?" Feron asked. "They should be here. They would never have left her behind."

Bailey said, "Admiral Hackett ordered all ships to retreat to the rendezvous point when the Crucible came online. The _Normandy_ was still out there at that point. That's all I know, son. Right now, everything but short-range comms are down. We're on our own for the time being. Kolyat, get the commander to the doc and then report back to me via comm link. If your friend would lend a hand, too, that would be great. We need all the help we can get."

Feron and Kolyat looked at each other. Feron said, "I want to help, sir, but someone should stay with the commander."

"She isn't going to be conscious for a while, son. She'd understand," Bailey said.

"I know," Feron said. "But if...if she doesn't make it, she shouldn't be alone. She died that way once. Liara would never forgive me if I let it happen again."

Bailey nodded. "All right. You're right."


	2. Chapter 2

They landed outside of the hospital and Kolyat climbed out of the vehicle as gracefully as he could. There were people of every species everywhere, pushing at the doors and crying for help. Almost everyone was covered in the gray dust that coated everything and with the way many of them were bent over and moving jerkily, he thought they looked like husks and his heart raced. Determined to protect her, he tightened his arms protectively around her as his hand glowed blue. Feron put a hand on his shoulder. "Easy there. The husks are all dead. These are real people. A barrier around her might be smart, though. Keep her from getting jostled."

Bailey held up his badge and shouted, "C-Sec! Clear a path!" The crowd didn't seem to hear him. "Move it, people! We've got Commander Shepard here!"

At the sound of her name, they turned to take in the sight of the bloodied drell carrying the hero of the galaxy. She was still unconscious and her head rested against his shoulder. Her arm hung down, bare and blackened. Her N7 dog tags were almost painfully bright against the charred mess that was her torso. Most of her hair had been burned away but he'd carefully wiped the soot from her face. She must have covered it with her arms because, while she had various cuts and bruises, it wasn't burned and she was still recognizable. The crowd parted and a turian clutching his side as blue blood poured out of it held the elevator door open for them.

He walked through the now-silent press of people. Some reached out and he felt hands touch his arms and his sides. They gently touched her scorched boot, her hand, the tufts of her hair. He felt as though he were carrying something holy. He would hold onto this moment when the horrors threatened to overtake him. The looks of wonder on the people's faces, the way they forgot their own pain, the awed sound over her name on hundreds of lips. They knew she'd saved them. A salarian raised his arm and his omni-tool glowed as he recorded the procession.

Kolyat wanted to run but kept his pace slow and steady. She'd been damaged enough. He wasn't going to rush and risk hurting her more. They finally reached the elevator and he heard Feron mutter, "Hurry. Hurry. Come on."

The doors opened and he was taken aback. He'd been here hundreds of times over the months when his father had been here and a few times since. He'd become accustomed to the growing number of beds and pallets in the hallways and lined up against the walls as the number of patients outgrew the capacity of the facility. What lay before him, however, was yet another sight for which he was unprepared.

The smell of blood and viscera and other things he didn't want to contemplate was so thick he could taste it and it mingled in the air with the cacophony of sound as people screamed and medical personnel shouted orders and demanded supplies it was immediately clear were not forthcoming. He saw missing limbs and burns and eviscerations and gaping wounds. A doctor--he hoped, at least--was performing an amputation in the corner and, judging by the patient's screams, was doing it without pain relief.

"Holy shit," Bailey said, sounding as stunned as Kolyat felt. "This is like a scene from one of those vids about the Wild West."

Kolyat didn't know what he was talking about exactly but he got the gist. A salarian glanced over Shepard and said, "Too far gone. Can't help now. Put it in the corner with the rest and go. Will deal with the body later."

Kolyat snarled and Feron stepped forward to grab the salarian by the throat. "That's Commander Fucking Shepard you're talking about and we are not going to dump her in the corner like a piece of trash!"

"Wait! Wait!" a female voice called. Kolyat recognized Dr. Michel. She'd helped treat his father. "Bring her here! I have an operating room open. Hurry!"

He picked his way through the mass of writhing, moaning flesh that spanned the length of the room. More were in the decon chamber and even more in the hospital proper. He'd never seen so many injured people. And these were only the ones able to get here so far. They hadn't even begun to truly scour the rubble for survivors. It was only going to get worse. He was amazed that the doctor had been able to get an OR cleared.

"Put her here. Do any of you have medical training?" the doctor asked as Kolyat gingerly laid Shepard onto the table.

"All of my people have basic first aid for various species," Bailey said as Kolyat and Feron shook their heads.

"I know you can't be spared, Bailey. Both of you, hold out your hands. Flat, like this," she said. Kolyat and Feron looked at each other, wondering what was going on. The doctor nodded. "Steady hands. Both of you. Get a gown from the closet and do two decon cycles before coming back to me. I have no nurses and I cannot do this alone."

"Send Kolyat to me as soon as you can," Bailey said. "I need all the help I can get."

Doctor Michel operated without stopping for over twelve hours. By the time she stepped back and rolled her head on her shoulders, all three of them felt dead on their feet. She had done the real work. They had passed her equipment, monitored Shepard's vital signs, kept the doctor hydrated, fed her nutrigel to keep her going, and tried to soothe Shepard when she roused. The small stockpile of sedatives and pain medication that had survived thus far had been used up within the first hour after the firing of the Crucible.

Shepard was aware for most of the operation. Dr. Michel said she wasn't likely to remember much of it afterward but that was small comfort when the worst came. Shepard had gritted her teeth and refused to allow more than a grunt or occasionally a small cry of pain escape her lips. But when the doctor began to treat the burns, even the great Commander Shepard could not hold back. She bit down hard on something the doctor provided as tears streamed down her face. Those silent tears were harder to bear than if she'd screamed. When she finally passed out again from the pain, all three of them breathed a sigh of relief.

"I feel like such a barbarian," the doctor muttered. "This is the twenty-second century. We have space travel and mass effect physics and can bring a woman back from the dead and yet here I am operating on the savior of the galaxy without even a drop of morphine to give her."

"You're doing fine, Doctor," Feron said in a shaky voice. "She understands."

By the time the doctor released them, Kolyat was both desperate to leave the hospital and terrified to leave her side. Only knowing that Feron was staying with her gave him any comfort. The rescue efforts, though, were no better. They found far more dead than they did alive. Those who did live were mostly in bad shape and served as constant reminders that the commander was fighting for her life.

While there was pain and horror, there were things that gave him hope through the following days as well. People from the sections of the wards that had escaped mostly unscathed came en masse to help. They brought food, water, blankets, medicines, anything they could think of that might help. They dug through rubble and comforted children and opened their homes to their neighbors. The Citadel might have been on its own but her people were not helpless.

He saw the injured caring for the elderly and kids who still had homes and families giving up their toys to other children who did not. Even the mercenary groups stopped causing trouble and came together to help search and to protect businesses from the few two tried to loot. He saw an asari in Eclipse armor carrying an elderly salarian woman to the hospital and a hardened human that reminded him of Zaeed in Blue Suns armor sitting on a pile of rubble rocking a crying child. Aria T'Loak herself stood guard in front of the commander's hospital room, turning away gawkers and ensuring that none of those who had called her enemy before could take advantage of her vulnerable state.

Two weeks after the battle, the first ship from Earth arrived. They came with food, water, medical supplies, and volunteers. The members of Shepard's crew who'd been on Earth were among them. Jack and Aria almost came to biotic blows before the human was allowed in. Feron said she cried. Zaeed and Grunt took up positions with Aria and refused to leave. Cortez had been wounded but survived. He and Jacob stopped by to visit and then joined in the rescue efforts when they saw that she was still comatose.

Two full months after that, the _Normandy_ limped into dock. Her crew had been stranded on a remote jungle world and it had taken time for the repairs to be made and then to travel without the use of the relays. They were all thinner than before and had a haggard look to them but when they made it in range of the newly repaired comm buoy a message was sent to the hospital. Kolyat and Aria stayed with Shepard while the rest of the team went to greet their crewmates. The reunion that followed at the hospital was bittersweet.

Shepard had required more surgeries after the first but, fortunately, was able to remain sedated for the ones that followed. However, she was kept in a chemically-induced coma to control her pain levels and allow her body to heal. The crew was thrilled that she was alive at all but dismayed by her condition. When Garrus saw her, he leaned forward and touched his forehead to hers before going out and getting drunk with Grunt. Liara sat by her bed and held her hand. Joker wept openly. Kaidan sat with her and told her about the planet they'd landed on and the condition of the _Normandy_ before becoming too choked up to speak and leaving. EDI examined all of her scans and proclaimed that her odds of survival were hopeful. Dr. Chakwas began assisting Dr. Michel.

She opened her eyes for the first time six months after the battle. Within minutes her crew, never far from her side, filled the room. As one, they stood and saluted her. Dr. Chakwas helped her sit so that she could return the salute. Tears and laughter followed as each of them vied for her attention. She was too tired to stay awake long and the shadows behind her eyes concerned them but they told themselves it was stress and that she would be fine. She was, after all, Commander Shepard.

Four weeks after she woke, she was allowed to return home. The Silversun Strip had been one of the fortunate areas that was largely spared in the attack. Her crew had come together to help with the repairs to the apartment. Garrus and Zaeed showed their lingering fear for her by booby-trapping every available space in case of intruders. They also supplemented the new windows with kinetic barriers and Liara and Traynor replaced the broken furniture that Grunt single-handedly cleared out. Joker and EDI took the apartment next door and Cortez and Vega the one next to that. The rest went in together on the others until her entire floor was occupied by what remained of the _Normandy's_ crew.

They took turns caring for her as she was able to do little on her own. It frustrated her to be so helpless and she pushed herself hard during her physical therapy. Garrus and Kolyat were the only ones able to calm her when pain and frustration caused her to lash out. Garrus had known her long enough to read her moods and knew when to joke and when to comfort and when to just let her be pissed off. Kolyat simply called upon his almost limitless store of patience and his calm seemed to settle her. She remembered him finding her and he thought that had created a bond.

She was the one who offered to let them stay with her when she found out that they'd been staying at her apartment because Kolyat's had been destroyed. She needed live-in help and didn't want a stranger but said that, while she needed her crew close by, she also needed people who didn't constantly remind her of everyone they'd lost. Kolyat and Feron were familiar enough for comfort but new enough not to have associations with bad memories.

The day she came home, they were all waiting for her. She put on a brave face but he found her sitting on the bathroom floor staring at a spot beside it. "Do you need help, Shepard? I can get Liara or EDI for you if you need."

"I was just...remembering," she said absently in a voice that was still husky from injury and disuse. She didn't speak often, generally seeming lost in her thoughts. If she'd been drell and lost a significant other, he would have thought she was in the midst of tu'fira. "With everyone here, it feels like the party we had. But Tali is supposed to be here muttering about omni tattoos and Garrus. Miranda and Jack should be arguing in the library. So many good people...gone."

He crouched down in front of her. "It is not wrong that you grieve for the dead. However, you must not allow that to distance you from the living."

"You're right," she said and tried to rise. She fell back against the cabinet and cursed. "My damn legs won't work. Help me up. I need to go be with my people. The relays are almost repaired and many of them will leave. Damn it, I hate being so weak."

___

2187 C.E. 

Shepard woke with a start. "EDI, status report." There was no response. "EDI?" She swung her legs over the side of the bed and took a shaky step. She was so weak. She must have been injured on the last mission. Why couldn't she remember it? Why wasn't EDI answering? Had she turned off her access to the cabin? She keyed up her omni-tool. "EDI, status report!"

EDI's voice flowed from her wrist. "Shepard, it is currently 0330, August 11, 2187. The Reapers have been defeated. Your current location is your personal apartment on the Citadel."

"What?" she asked weakly, sitting back on the bed. "No. The Reapers are coming. I have to stop them." She rubbed her forehead, trying to drive away her confusion. Her brain felt sluggish.

"Shepard, you activated the Crucible and destroyed the Reapers one year, seven months, three weeks, and two days ago," the AI said patiently.

"No. They're still out there. In dark space. They're waiting. They're waiting for us and they'll come back," Shepard argued. Her chest grew tight and her breath came rapidly. She had to stop the Reapers. Why wasn't EDI listening to her? "You have to listen to me, EDI! They'll come back!"

The door slid open and EDI walked into the room. "Lights on," she said and the room lit. "Shepard, there are no more Reapers in dark space."

"You don't know that. You can't. No one can know that for sure," Shepard said. "They're going to come back. They won't stop. They never stop."

"You killed them, Shepard. They are all dead. The pulse from the Crucible did not limit itself to the known galaxy. Any Reapers remaining in dark space would be dead as well."

"You're sure?" Shepard asked as the fog in her brain slowly began to dissipate.

"I am sure," EDI said.

Shepard sighed. "I dreamed they were back. I dreamed they were just waiting for the relays to be fixed before they invaded again."

EDI said, "Shepard, I suggest that you seek assistance from a licensed therapist. Your episodes of mental confusion are not decreasing in frequency. It is not uncommon for organics to require assistance after a traumatic event. You have spent five years focused on the Reaper threat. You may need help in training your body and mind to adjust to the absence of that threat."

If anyone else had suggested that she see a therapist, she'd have balked and told them she was fine. EDI, however, made suggestions based on logic. She wasn't saying that Shepard was weak. She was suggesting a rational solution to something she calculated to be a problem. Somehow that made the advice more palatable. "You might be right," she said.

EDI said, "Dr. Chakwas proved effective in assisting you with the adjustments required when Cerberus brought you back. She is also familiar to you and was present throughout the war. Perhaps you would feel most comfortable speaking with her. According to various resources on the extranet, humans have a tendency to resist psychiatric help. It would be more like talking to a friend than to a...shrink."

"Thanks, EDI," she said.

"Any time, Shepard."


	3. Chapter 3

2188 C.E.

Shepard raised her glass and looked around the table as the rousing cry of "To the crew of the _Normandy_!" went up around them and the patrons of the bar cheered, clapped, and saluted. _Be happy. You have earned this, Shepard_ , whispered in her ear, too flat and too quiet. She was trying. Truly, she was. But, to be honest, she didn't know what that meant anymore. Though the memories themselves had begun to fade, the pain had not. It had become as much a part of her as the scars on her skin, the shadows behind her eyes, the constant ache in parts of her body that had been abused for too long. She felt like a vessel that had been shattered and taped back together by a clumsy child, its pieces not quite fitting together as before, a broken approximation of what was. She'd never suspected that victory could be so bitter.

After years of trying to stop, to delay, to prepare, the Reapers had come. Not only had they come, they’d come in a force even she hadn’t been able to imagine. Entire planets fell in a matter of days. Their only hope had been the Crucible. She'd been prepared to die for the mission and had hoped, when she had fired that last shot and had seen the wall of flames roiling toward her, that she'd at least succeeded and had left behind a galaxy safe for those she loved so dearly. There had been no fear, only peace.

Instead of nothingness, she'd woken to the steady beeps and hums of machinery that told her she'd survived yet again. She hadn't wanted to die, but she was beginning to wonder if she were even capable of dying. What had Cerberus done to her? Was she now doomed to roam the galaxy for eternity, watching as the friends who'd become family grew old and died?

She forced a smile onto her face, the only kind she wore anymore, and responded to the toast. They were all here, all who were left anyway, for what was to become a tradition. It was the second anniversary of the end of the Reaper War. Mentally, she filled in the blank spaces where those they had lost should be. Anderson, Mordin, Ash, Thane, Miranda, Legion, Wrex, Tali, Samara. Their faces haunted her waking hours as well as her dreams. At least the damn star brat had lied and they still had EDI.

She'd never told any of them but the AI about those final moments on the Citadel. That experience had belonged to her and to Anderson. She hadn't been able to tell them about the creeping darkness of indoctrination, the temptation to seize control as the Illusive Man had dreamed of doing, the dark promise of perfect synthesis of which Saren had spoken, the fear of killing those she'd worked so hard to help live, the siren song of refusal to play on their terms.

The last gasp of the star brat who controlled the Reapers to save itself and its creations had been a powerful one. Choice, or the illusion thereof. She'd had only to think of the abomination the Illusive Man had become in his lust for power to reject the lure of control. The urge to simply refuse or, better yet, shoot the damn starchild had been almost too strong to resist but she'd come too far and lost too much in her quest for the Crucible and the Catalyst. They stood no chance without it so she'd reined in her temper. Synthesis, though, had been difficult to turn down. The possibilities presented seemed too great to pass up. But then Mordin's words had rung in her ears reminding her of the dangers of significant advancement before cultural readiness. It had been almost like he'd foreseen the possibility and warned her against it.

In the end, she had destroyed the Reapers, thinking as she did it that she was murdering EDI and the geth she'd sacrificed so much to save from the quarians. It had been the most difficult decision she'd ever made in her life, even harder than the decision to send that asteroid into the mass relay. Ash versus Kaidan on a galactic scale. The star brat had apparently misjudged her and thought that she would be unwilling to make that choice when seemingly better options were presented. It was wrong. Her mission was destruction. It always had been. And Commander Fucking Shepard never failed a mission. She might be delayed. She might lose a battle. But she would not lose the war.

Her utter shock on waking and seeing EDI beside her had caused the only slip, the only hint of what she'd done. She had thought EDI would be angry or resentful but she had reminded Shepard that she'd already told her of her willingness to die in order to defeat the Reapers. It had been so easy then to confide in EDI, to give an emotionless account and her synthetic friend's logical analysis had gone a long way toward assuaging her guilt. She agreed with her assessment that Shepard had truly had only one legitimate option available to her and that what she'd experienced had fit with indoctrination attempts.

"To the immortal Shepard!" Jack said, raising her glass again. She forced her wandering attention back to the group as a shudder ran down her spine. Death, even painful death, was no longer her worst fear. The idea that whatever Cerberus had done to her had made her truly indestructible was. She'd survived injuries that should have killed even her with all of her upgrades.

"You'd have all done the same," she said for what felt like the thousandth time.

"But not with such style," Garrus said with a smile, playing on an old joke.

That led to yet another review of the events of that day from their perspectives. Surprisingly, none of their tales were embellished or had grown in the retelling. They'd all been damn heroes. No exaggeration was necessary. Only Garrus and Liara did not join in. Her best friends for over half a decade, they both knew her well enough to know that, while it had been a success for the rest, it was a memory she struggled to forget. She saw it enough in her nightmares.

At night, she returned through the beam and relived every moment from her arrival on the Citadel to what should have been her death. She tasted the burned, bludgeoned, dismembered corpses of the people the keepers had collected for harvest, felt the searing pain from Harbinger's laser, smelled the charred material of the armor that had melted into her flesh in jagged pieces, labored within the oppressive red glare to force one dragging foot in front of the other, felt her finger tighten on the trigger, heard again the final words of her father in practice if not in name. You did good, child. She'd killed him like she'd killed so many others. Hadn't she? She still didn't know.

She dragged herself back into the present once more as the laughter of the others flowed around her. It was the laugh of those who'd looked into the face of death and lived to tell the tale but still were not sure how they had done so. Pushing her morbid thoughts away, she joined in. These people, her family, were the reason she hadn't yet succumbed to the temptation to put her possible immortality to the test. She'd died and left them behind once and it had almost destroyed them. She could not do that again simply to end her own pain. She would not be that selfish.

They were all so dear to her, this enormous patchwork family of hers. Her second mother, Karin Chakwas. Her brothers, Garrus, Joker, Kaidan, Vega, Cortez, Jacob, and--surprisingly enough--Zaeed and Javik. Her sisters, Liara, EDI, Kasumi, and Jack. Her son, Grunt. And, of course, Kolyat and Feron were here, though she still wasn't quite sure where they fit in. She just knew they'd become as vital to her as the rest.

She’d met Feron when she had helped Liara rescue him from the Shadow Broker. She’d gotten to know him a bit while visiting with Liara and once he’d resumed actively working for the asari, he had kept up with Shepard via the extranet. It had been professional at first but his rakish humor had eventually shown itself and they'd become friends. She’d thought at first that Liara and Feron had something going on but had eventually realized that their relationship was more like Shepard’s with Garrus. They’d go to the ends of the galaxy for each other and walk through hell together but they weren’t romantic. Liara had set her sights on someone decidedly more...unique. Javik, despite his complaints about her, had become her constant companion.

Kolyat she'd met when she'd helped his father, her friend, stop him from assassinating someone. She'd begun to talk to him as well afterward and, again, at first it had been professional. She'd encouraged him to maintain contact with his father and to forgive him for the wrongs he'd done. From the way that Thane had talked about him, she'd been expecting a boy barely out of his teens. While slightly younger than she was, Kolyat was actually much closer in age to her than she was to his father. He'd connected with her. And then...the coup, the hospital, the prayer, the memorial. She'd been the only one he knew to turn to and gradually their shared mourning over his father and her friend had turned into a friendship all its own.

Feron had been on the Citadel visiting Kolyat when the Reapers had seized the station. She still wasn't entirely certain of how they'd come to find her because they avoided the topic with her due to their tendency to slide into solipsism at the memory. It still affected them deeply and they both had a difficult time controlling it. From what little she had seen of the station and what she remembered of it after the battle against Sovereign, she didn't want to imagine what those who'd been there during that time had experienced. They understood that without being told. Someday she would ask.

They'd been among the many visitors who had come when she was in the hospital. Her memories of that time were spotty but she knew that they'd both been a constant presence even after the rest of her crew had managed to return from the jungle world on which they'd landed. Feron and Kolyat had become friends and had been around more than even Garrus who'd returned to Palaven a few months before to begin rebuilding his home and reconnecting with his family.

At first, she'd barely registered their presence. She'd been lost in her own grief and nightmares. But Feron and Kolyat had recognized the state in which she found herself and had worked together to draw her out. When Liara had finally returned to her duties as Shadow Broker, she'd assigned Feron to Shepard as the two drell had moved into her rebuilt apartment, the last remaining link she had to Anderson, at her request. Joker, EDI, Kaidan, Jack, Cortez, and Vega had remained on her floor. Having the pilot and AI there had seemed natural. Joker had been with her from the very beginning. She didn't think either of them knew quite what to do without the other and where Joker was, EDI was also. She supposed none of them really fit in anywhere else anymore. Kolyat and Feron, though...she still didn't know why they stayed but she was glad they had. She'd gotten used to them.

She shifted in her chair uncomfortably as the club began to fill. There were too many people here. If there was an attack, there wasn't enough cover. The club didn't have enough exits. They were trapped in here. Lob a few grenades, seal the doors, and mass chaos would ensue. Too many people, not enough exits. Having her back to the wall meant no one could sneak up on her from behind but there was still the upper level. She looked over to Garrus. He, of course, was watching above her. A sniper learned to look up as well as out for threats. It relaxed her a little but she needed Liara to slide over so that she could move quickly if necessary.

A hand covered her knee. "Easy, Shepard. Anybody strange comes through those doors and I'll tear them apart before you need to move," Jack said. Shepard met her eyes and saw simple understanding rather than judgment or pity. Jack didn't like busy places, either.

The hour grew late and people began to leave. She held them all close as those who were only visiting said their goodbyes and promised to come by individually while they were on the Citadel and then joined Feron and Kolyat at her skycar for the drive home. Once there, she bid them goodnight and then went alone to her room. As she undressed, she felt herself stripping away layers of herself along with her clothing. The savior of the galaxy, the dauntless commander, the fearless Spectre, all fell away until she was just a woman alone with her ghosts and her guilt.

Ash had been the first to go. Shepard hadn't been prepared and she'd lost a friend because of it. Then she herself had died and been brought back. They'd all survived the suicide mission but hadn't survived the war. They hadn't survived her. Thane and Legion were the only two not truly on her conscience. They had chosen to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. She had failed Miranda as she'd failed to stop Samara. Mordin, Wrex, and Tali were her fault. She'd killed them. She'd murdered Mordin in cold blood in a desperate attempt to gain both salarian and krogan aid. She'd betrayed Wrex for the same reason and had been forced to kill him when her duplicity was revealed and he'd come after her. Tali...she should have known that Tali could not live without her people, should have tried harder to get them to stop fighting. But she'd been so angry at the damn quarians and she'd let her emotions override her sense. Tali had paid the price. Shepard was amazed Garrus didn't hate her. She certainly hated herself.

 _That desperate for salarian aid, Shepard?_ Mordin hissed from the shadows.

 _Go, Skipper!_ Ash shouted, clutching the detonator.

 _I thought you were my friend_ , Wrex charged.

 _I cannot kill my last daughter_ , Samara said.

 _I’m sorry_ , Tali whispered. In slow motion, Shepard threw herself toward the quarian, sliding down the broken platform. Behind her mask, Tali looked like Jack. Her fingers brushed against her friend's hand. Shepard grabbed desperately, feeling her shoulder pop out of its socket. Tali let go. The face of an angel, glowing eyes accusing her, fell away as the human proto-Reaper grabbed Shepard's ankle and called her a murderer in Thane's voice.

"Tali, no!" Shepard reached out, grabbing empty air. Clutching desperately at the blanket that tangled around her legs, she fell out of the bed and stumbled into the shower fully clothed. Turning the water as hot as it would go, she sank down against the cool tile and wrapped her arms around her knees.

Dr. Chakwas had suggested that she focus on repeating the things she knew to be true rather than focusing on her emotions during these times, so she said, "The Reapers are gone. I killed them. Tali and Samara are dead. They committed suicide. Mordin and Wrex are dead. I killed them. Thane is dead. Kai Leng killed him. Miranda is dead. Her father killed her. I killed Kai Leng and her father. The Reapers are gone. They aren't coming back." She repeated the mantra until her eyes grew heavy.

She woke sometime later back in her bed in dry clothing. Her hair was damp but not wet and the aroma of Thane's tea floated on the air. Kolyat, she knew. Feron would have left coffee. She'd long since stopped being embarrassed by the thought of them changing her when she fell asleep in the shower after one of her nightmares. They'd both done it before when she was too weak to do it herself. Kolyat had even gone so far as to carry her into the hot tub when her muscles locked up on her after a particularly brutal physical therapy session or on days when she pushed herself too hard. He would sit with her back against his chest and let the hot water ease the tension before slowly and gently working the knots out of her body.

They'd both been so good to her. Even though they both had jobs they still cooked meals and set the cleaning mech and made sure that she ate. On days when she could not bring herself to do anything but sit on the couch and stare at the picture of her crew, one or both of them would drag her from the apartment and walk with her around the Strip. On days when speaking seemed like too much of an effort, Kolyat would sit with her and tell her about cases he was working on or Feron would call up vids of well-known people in entertainingly compromising situations. She didn't know what she'd do without them.

She rolled over and sipped her tea, trying to clear her mind in order to meditate the way Thane, Samara, and now Kolyat had taught her. When she had herself sufficiently together, she forced herself out of bed and downstairs. Feron was cooking breakfast this morning and Kolyat, already dressed in his black and blue C-Sec leathers, was sitting on the couch watching a news vid. She sat down beside him and he bid her good morning. She tried to respond but couldn't make her voice cooperate. It was going to be another one of those days.

Something crashed in the kitchen and her shields flared as she dove behind the couch, reaching for her rifle. "Sorry!" Feron called. "I dropped a pan!"

Kolyat pretended nothing was out of the ordinary as she resumed her seat and tried to get her heart rate under control again. Post-traumatic stress disorder, Chakwas had said. It was common among soldiers. According to the doctor, she was not the only member of her crew to experience it and she'd seen signs of it in Kaidan and Vega. She'd discussed it with Jack after almost shooting a geth prime one day when it had walked up behind her. The regular geth reminded her of Legion but she still had to remind herself at times that the primes were friend now rather than foe.

"The Reapers are gone. I killed them. They aren't coming back," she said under her breath. "The Reapers are dead." Kolyat continued to pretend that he didn't hear her, for which she was grateful. She hated this weakness in herself. When Feron came in to announce that breakfast was ready, she rose and accompanied them into the kitchen.


	4. Chapter 4

2189 C.E.

At times it felt like she lived in a frat house. With all of the men who lived on her floor, she often felt like she was drowning in testosterone. They kept her sane, though, or as close as she came anymore. If she'd been left alone in the apartment after a lifetime on ships surrounded by people she'd have lost what was left of her mind. As it was, they kept her firmly rooted in the present.

Three years had passed since the Reapers had been destroyed. The Citadel had mostly been rebuilt. Most of the mass relays had been restored. Constructing the Crucible had shown what could be done in a short amount of time when everyone worked together. The pain in both her body and heart had faded to a dull ache. She'd begun to see the colors of the life around her. Food was beginning to regain its taste. Her smiles were still few but less forced than they had been. She couldn't say that she had forgiven herself, exactly, but she was learning to live with the consequences of her choices.

"Shepard! Where do you want this beer?" Kaidan called out. "The coolers are all full!"

She leaned out over the railing and answered, "Did you try the one under the bar in the library?"

He cocked his head and said, "You know, you'd think after four years I'd remember you had not one but two bars in your house." He vanished below the balcony.

She continued down the stairs to the sound of male voices cheering. The guys had come over to watch the biotiball championship game since her place was the best equipped for entertaining a large group and they claimed she had the best vid screen. The room was divided with those supporting the home team on one side and those supporting the visitors on the other. They could have gone to the game in person but then they couldn't taunt each other across the room. Cortez saw her coming down the stairs and said, "Hey, Commander! The game's starting!"

She slid into a spot between Cortez and Feron. From the couch on the other side of the room, Vega said, "Aw, come on, Lola! Picking Esteban over me? I'm hurt."

She reached into Cortez' bowl and threw a piece of popcorn at the burly marine. "I'm picking the winning team," she told him.

"Aw, shit," he said.

"Hope you're ready to lose some credits, Mr. Vega," Cortez taunted. "Never bet against the commander. I'd think you would have learned that by now."

"Hell, I didn't realize she was going to choose the damn salarian team," James muttered.

"Have you paid any attention to this season?" she asked. "They're tearing it up."

Kaidan came into the room and took a seat beside Vega and Joker. Kolyat came out of the kitchen with a bowl of fruit before taking a seat between her and Cortez. She slid closer to Feron to make room and he casually threw an arm over the back of the couch so that his elbow wasn't digging into her side after reaching across her to steal a piece of melon from the bowl. "What's the score?" Kolyat asked, moving the bowl further from Feron.

"One, nothing. Sur'Kesh Scientists," Jack grumbled from her spot beside Kaidan.

Cortez shifted over to give them more room and she slid closer into the middle. The couch really wasn't big enough for four. She'd never noticed just how warm the drell were. It was distracting her from the game. When the screen cut away to a commercial for Fishdog Food Shack, Kaidan asked Kolyat about girlfriends and she swore the dark red skin beneath his frills changed hue. He was blushing. She listened as he muttered something noncommittal and quickly changed the subject. She wondered if he'd found someone. She realized she'd never actually seen either one of them with a date.

Seeing his reaction now made her wonder how long he would remain here in her home. Once he left, Feron would likely go as well. She was honestly surprised they still stayed. She'd have thought they both would have found someone by now but they seemed content to spend their time working and helping her out on her Spectre missions.

She'd gotten spoiled by having the Shadow Broker on board her ship and all the intel she needed at her fingertips. Feron was a close second as Liara had left her equipment installed on the _Normandy_ and he had full access and understood the inner workings of her network in a way that Shepard did not. He could sort through data and find useful patterns faster than any organic she'd met. He was also a good infiltrator when she needed an extra at her back. Kolyat had learned a lot from his father during the months while she was locked up and more from C-Sec. He wasn't an assassin but he was a good fighter and a strong biotic. Bailey bitched about it but let him come with her on missions because he'd learned from her as well. The three of them made a good team. They weren't Garrus and Thane or Liara but they were close.

The thought of them leaving did unpleasant things to her insides that she'd rather not contemplate. She told herself it was because they were good friends and she'd miss them just like she'd miss any of the others if they left but if she was honest with herself she'd have to admit it was more than that. Feron had helped Liara save her body from the Collectors and had sacrificed himself to do so. She had helped Liara save him from the Shadow Broker and had risked her life in the process. She had saved Kolyat from becoming a criminal. They'd both saved her from the Citadel after she'd saved them--and everyone else--from the Reapers. It was reasonable that they'd be close, especially now that Garrus and Liara had left. Besides, they'd been here for three years. She was used to them.

That didn't explain the nagging feeling of emptiness she experienced when she thought of either of them leaving or the shiver down her spine when Feron's thumb lightly brushed her shoulder or the sharp focus when Kolyat's thigh settled against hers. Where the hell had that come from? What they had was friendship. It had never been anything physical. So why was she suddenly aware of the slide of the leather sleeve of Feron's jacket against her hair and the pressure of Kolyat's body beside hers? She tried to tell herself that it was because she'd never been this close to them when she wasn't in pain. It had only been within the last several months that she'd begun to open back up to the casual physical affection she'd shared with her crew.

It had been automatic before to place a hand on a shoulder or pull one of them in for a hug or lean up against them on the shuttle after a long mission. They'd shared an easy camaraderie that had removed personal boundaries. When you'd held your friend's flesh together with your bare hands after a battle and felt their blood spill over your skin, falling asleep on their shoulder was nothing. That had changed after the Citadel. At first, it was because of her physical injuries and then it had been the result of her simply pulling away.

She noticed herself unconsciously leaning further into Feron, drawn by his warmth. She was always cold after the Crucible as if the flames had burned away her ability to feel warmth at normal temperatures. She'd practically lived in her hot tub for a while just to stave off her perpetual shivers. It had gotten better but she was glad the drell had originated from a hot climate and tolerated the heat she always kept turned up and the fire that never went out in the hearth. When people were gathered, though, she turned the temperature down for their comfort so now she was cold again. She tucked her feet under her as the Scientists scored and cheered before leaning back into him again. He didn't seem to mind.

She felt Kolyat's free hand cover her feet and sighed in relief at the heat. "Cold?" he asked quietly. She nodded and he leaned forward to remove his jacket before draping it around her shoulders as Feron tucked her closer into him. Kolyat slid closer as well, surrounding her in their body heat. It made her realize just how starved she'd been for something as basic as physical contact from people with whom she felt safe.

___

Feron struggled to keep his attention on the game and to calm his racing heart before she noticed. His mouth was dry and he felt like a teenager on his first date though he expected that this wouldn't end with them fumbling around in the back of her parents' skycar. He'd never expected to be this close to her, to feel her relaxed and comfortable against him but here she was. Liara, as usual, had been right.

Even with perfect memory, he couldn't pinpoint the exact moment at which he'd fallen for her. He knew when he'd realized it but not when it had actually happened. He suspected it started even before he met her. At first, she'd been just a name and an assignment. He'd seen her on vids, of course, and had even toyed with the idea of acquiring one of the VIs people had started selling of her because it amused him but she hadn't been real to him. Then he'd met up with Liara.

He hadn't understood the asari's determination to recover what was, at the time, a lifeless shell. He'd assumed she'd had a thing for the commander and, yeah, he'd allowed himself a few wicked thoughts along those lines. But the more Liara talked about her, the more he came to realize that Shepard was just the type of person that inspired loyalty that went above and beyond mere friendship or duty. Hell, by the time they'd actually gotten to her body, she'd managed to do it to him even when she was nothing more than a dead stranger. When the time had come, he hadn't thought twice about putting himself between Taz and Liara to allow her time to escape with Shepard's body so that the Collectors couldn't get their filthy insectile claws on her.

Two years he'd been stuck on that ship. The Broker had tortured him in ways that still brought him shaking out of nightmares and left him weak and trembling when he wasn't able to avoid slipping into solipsism. When it had been the worst, he'd lost himself remembering everything he'd ever read or heard about her, every news vid, every detail he'd learned about her mission and her crew, everything Liara had told him about her. When he'd begun to regret what he'd done, he would imagine the things the Collectors could have been using her body for and, yes, on occasion he did think that at least she wouldn't have been aware of it but most of the time he'd thought it worth it even then. Now, actually knowing her, he knew it was.

He'd known that Cerberus had been planning on trying to bring her back but he hadn't believed it possible until she'd come striding onto that ship like a warrior angel. He'd thought at first that his mind had finally snapped and that he was dreaming the whole thing. It had taken days for him to fully comprehend that it was real and even longer than that to fully accept that the nightmare was over. She and Liara had saved him.

He'd never had anyone who cared enough about him to do what they did. He was an orphan who, like Thane, had been trained under the Compact. He'd been better at gathering intel on his targets than actually killing them, though, while he was nowhere near Thane's level, he was still good at the latter. He just didn't get the same sense of fulfillment or enjoyment or whatever the hell it was that kept Thane doing it. So he'd left Kahje, left the hanar, and become an information broker on the Citadel. Eventually, he'd ended up drawing the attention of the Shadow Broker and becoming one of his top information agents. It was a solitary life that didn't lead to friendships or connections. He was useful, not cared for.

He'd never lacked for companionship of the single night variety but even with the ones who wanted more, he hadn't found anyone of any species who'd interested him more than the information he gathered on people. Knowledge was as addictive as any drug and he was a junkie. Women sated his physical needs. He denied having any emotional ones. His occupation met his mental ones. He fed his body and his mind while his soul withered. It was his own form of battle sleep.

Then Shepard had come along and saved more than his mind and body. She never failed to stop by and talk to him when she visited Liara on the ship and he began to live for those short moments in the vid room. Liara was the best friend he'd ever had. Shepard was...something else entirely. When he and Kolyat had found her on the Citadel, a part of him had said that she was so close to death and so hurt that it was kinder to just let her go. Looking at her, though, seeing her fight for every breath had been agony. He couldn't do it. He couldn't lose her. Helping Kolyat dig her out of that rubble had been the most selfish thing he'd ever done.

When she'd woken, she withdrew somewhere deep inside herself where even her closest friends couldn't follow. Her fire had gone out. It had broken his heart. So when she had asked them to stay with her, he'd jumped at the opportunity. He was determined to do for her what she'd done for him. He had to bring her back. Part of it was for Kolyat who had become a good friend and didn't deserve to lose the last person he had that he cared for and part of it was for Liara who'd been so hurt and lost without her before. But mostly it was for her.

He'd done for her what he'd done for Liara in the beginning when the asari had gotten lost in the almost infinite amount of data at her fingertips. He made sure she ate, made sure she drank, made sure she at least rested even if she did not sleep. When she needed to scream and rage at the Council, at the Alliance, at Hackett, at war, at fate, at him, he was there. When she needed to hit something, he was there. The only thing she didn't do was cry. At least, she didn't do it in front of anyone.

He had the room adjoining hers and he had heard her grief and it had torn at his heart. He'd imagined going in and sitting on the floor of the shower with her and holding her while she cried. There was nothing sexual about it. He just wanted to be there for her. It was a new feeling for him. He'd never wanted to hold a woman to give her comfort or simply for the sake of holding her. There was something about Shepard, though, that made him want to gather her up and protect her. She'd given everything she had to give for the galaxy and had been forced into horrendous situations to do so and it had largely moved on and left her behind.

She still ran missions for the Council and was still a Spectre but she'd retired from the Alliance. She'd done what she needed to do for them, had done everything they'd asked of her, but once the galaxy was safe, she couldn't go back to running minor bullshit missions and she couldn't go back to fighting solely for humanity after having brought together an intergalactic fleet. She didn't see the point in maintaining separate militaries. So she'd retired and now answered only to the Council and served the galaxy as a whole.

The end of the Reaper War hadn't meant the end of conflict and strife. Many salarians still held the krogan in contempt and bore ill will for Wrex' demands for a cure for the genophage as a condition of their assistance. They conveniently forgot that the salarians had withdrawn their own support because of it until she had sabotaged the cure and Thane had saved their councilor. Much of the galaxy was angry with the asari once news of the beacon had gotten out. The vorcha were still pains in the ass and the remaining batarians were largely the criminal element. Mercenary groups still thrived. It was a strange time when the turians and humans were the strongest allied groups. There was plenty to keep her busy.

Cerberus had given her the _Normandy_ and, though she'd allowed the Alliance to retrofit it when she'd returned to them, she'd retained ownership of the vessel. It had taken some pressure from the Council to manage it because the Alliance, of course, had wanted the frigate for themselves, but Councilors Sparatus and Tevos had insisted that, as a Spectre, she needed it more than they did.

As soon as she'd told Joker the ship was officially still hers, he'd resigned from the Alliance as well and was now employed directly under her. Cortez and Dr. Chakwas had followed suit. Vega had joined the N7 program and had his own ship now. Kaidan had remained with the Alliance as a Spectre and Jack had returned to teaching the kids. Shepard had given her first real smile the day Jack and Kaidan had announced their engagement. They made a weird couple but they worked. Jacob and his wife had returned to the Alliance. Zaeed had returned to Zorya now that Vido was dead. Kasumi showed up at random times before disappearing again. It was a strange family but they were her family.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some head canon in this one and some of the following chapters.

Shepard shifted again as the salarians lost the ball to the asari team. The movement made her hair fall over her shoulders and he was immediately engulfed in the sweet scent of her. It sent his mind places it had no business going and he tried to ignore it. She was only just beginning to come back to herself. She wasn't ready for what he wanted.

Liara, of course, had picked up on it. It was impossible to hide anything from her. She'd encouraged him to be patient and, once Shepard had begun to let herself live again, to try. She had suggested that, considering that Shepard was already accustomed to his general presence, he begin getting her accustomed to his physical presence as well. She needed to see him as a man, not just as a friend who was there. So, lately, he had begun doing little things like touching her elbow to get her attention rather than making a sound to draw it or standing closer than necessary or letting his hands slide against hers when he passed something to her. He'd even gone so far as to decide that he needed something from the cooler while she was looking in it, thereby making it seem natural for him to touch her to maneuver in the small space between the cooler and the kitchen island.

At first, she hadn't seemed to notice the change and he'd honestly started to think she had a thing for Kolyat as she didn't seem to have a problem touching him. Then she'd almost unconsciously begun to mirror it. Rather than saying Feron's name when she needed something from him, she would touch his shoulder. If she found him on the balcony leaning against the railing and watching the skycars pass by, she would join him and stand close enough that their arms touched. If he teased her the right way, she'd bump her shoulder against him and roll her eyes. She'd even begun to use physical contact to bring him back when he slipped into unpleasant memories.

Never, however, had she done anything that could be construed as romantic or intimate. She hadn't cuddled with him when they sat on the couch to watch a vid together. She didn't try to hold his hands or hug him. Nothing she'd done so far had prepared him for the way her head leaned up against him as she fell asleep during the mid-game break. Sound traveled well enough between their rooms that he knew she rarely got a full night's sleep.

She had a tendency to fall asleep in strange places and positions and they'd all learned to leave her be until she started making the sounds and faces that indicated the advent of one of her nightmares and then they did their best to wake her before it fully took hold. Fortunately, she could sleep through almost any noise to which she was accustomed that didn't indicate a threat so they didn't have to worry about waking her unless they deliberately tried. Unfortunately, that meant that if someone didn't notice her nightmares, that was what woke her up. He'd gotten into the habit of coming into her room and rousing her slightly if he heard her tossing and turning in the night but his own nightmares trapped him frequently enough that he still woke to the sound of her strangled cries far too often.

He'd learned that going to her then only served to agitate her more. He didn't know if she just didn't like being seen like that or if it scared her to have someone come in before she was fully awake. Both he and Kolyat left her alone during those times and he would lie in the dark hurting for her until she fell asleep in the shower and one of them got up to put her back to bed.

She talked in her sleep and he'd heard her cry out various names enough times to know her ghosts. Ash, Mordin, Miranda, Anderson and others were frequent visitors. Jack's name had confused him until he'd asked the biotic and she'd told him about almost falling from the platform on the Collector base and how Shepard and Thane had dived after her. Shepard caught Jack and Thane had caught Shepard. After listening to her describe the horrors they'd found there, he could understand her nightmares about the place. That was why he'd been very careful not to think too much about the Citadel when she was around. She didn't need more fodder.

It had been...awful. No one had understood what was happening when the arms had begun to close. They'd thought at first that it was for their own protection. Then the Reaper forces had come up out of the ducts and the previously peaceful station had become a preview into hell itself. He'd accessed the military's comm channel with the special omni-tool Liara had provided for him and had listened to the reports of the slaughter of Hammer team. When he'd heard the announcement that none had survived the push to the beam, his heart had felt like it was going to shatter. She was on the ground. She hadn't made it. No one had made it. The ward arms had to be opened for the Crucible to dock but no one was coming. They were all dead.

He'd accessed the schematics for the station and he and Kolyat had used every bit of their training to get to the Presidium. It had been gut-wrenching to pass by people and not stop to help them, especially for Kolyat as a C-Sec officer, but he'd known that if the arms weren't open, they were all dead anyway so he'd forced himself to move past them. They'd killed the Reapers in their way but their only goal was survival to open the Citadel for the Crucible. They'd arrived on the Presidium just as the arms had begun to move.

He'd been unprepared for the scene that had greeted him. The fleet was locked in a fierce battle with hundreds, if not thousands, of Reaper ships and as a backdrop to that battle, a planet that he now knew was Earth burned. He'd shaken himself out of his stunned daze right as a banshee had rounded a corner and hit him with its biotics. By the time he'd killed it, a brute had shown up and almost done Kolyat in. They'd been close enough to hear the explosion and had been one of the first to see that brilliant red light and the brute had fallen to the ground. They'd run then, knowing that whoever had managed to activate the Crucible needed help. That's when they found Shepard, broken and mangled and hanging on by a thread.

A sharp poke brought him back and Kolyat hissed, "Stop thinking about it. What if she can hear you in her sleep?"

He realized that the others were watching him. Jack said, "Fuck, dude, I don't think I've ever actually heard anyone describe what it was like up here or just how close she came to biting it. And you have to relive that shit over and over? Damn, I thought my history was bad. That memory of yours seems like a curse."

"It can be," he said. _On the other hand_ , he thought as he looked down at Shepard who had turned and now had her arm around his waist and her face buried in his neck, _at least I can always come back to this, too._

___

Kolyat looked uncomfortably from his friend to Shepard, trying to suppress the trill of jealousy rising in his throat as he took the beer bottle that was threatening to slip from her fingers and placed it on the floor. It was no secret to him that Feron wanted her. Kolyat couldn't blame him. Everyone wanted Shepard or had before the end of the war. Some, like himself and Feron, still did. Even his dad had wanted her but she'd told him that she just couldn't bring herself to compete with the spirit of his mother, especially when his father's time had been so close. She said Thane's place across the sea had been with Irikah. Her respect for his mother had only made Kolyat care for her more.

He'd thought he'd grown past his anger toward his father until he'd found that damning information. It had brought back all of the anger, the helpless rage, the memories of his mother crying out for his father as those barbarians had... _no, don't go there_. He'd left Kahje, determined to prove himself to the man who'd never been around enough for him to truly know. He supposed now that he'd wanted to feel closer to him, had hoped that if he was good enough that Thane would finally approve of him enough. He'd been stupid.

When she had called his name, the very sound of her voice had been enough to make him lose sight of his purpose and seeing her stride into the room where he'd had his pistol to the turian's head had distracted him enough that it had taken several moments for him to even register his father's presence beside her. She'd looked like an avenging angel, a siha. The image was further burned into his mind when she'd shot his hostage. His father hadn't approved but the knowledge that she would take his sin onto her own soul to save him had undone Kolyat.

She had been the one who'd helped to soothe his anger and explain the things his father's pride would not allow. She was the reason that he'd finally gotten to have a relationship with the man who'd helped to create him. She had been a gift sent to him from the gods and he had felt the need to spend time learning more about the deities that had sent her into his life.

When he'd expressed being torn between his devotion to his gods and the calling she'd given him into service and protection and had asked how his father had managed to find a balance between killing and serving, she had instead told him of an ancient human order of warrior priests called the Knights Templar. He'd been fascinated and with what he'd learned, he had found a way to balance his spirituality with his growing need to fight for and defend others, to be more like her and what his father had become under her guidance.

Thinking she had died had threatened to destroy him. He knew that his father when he still lived had been concerned over his lack of a significant other, but how could one settle for a mere woman after being touched, however briefly, by a siha? He had met his body's needs but had found that drell and asari left him cold. Small, pale humans with dark eyes and hair were the only ones who could stir a response with him but it felt wrong to use them as stand-ins for her, so he'd stopped. She was the only woman he wanted. Hearing that she had not made it had torn at his soul. Finding her had been yet another gift.

She shifted, placing her legs over his and kicking Cortez in the side in the process. He took her perpetually cold feet in his hands and gave the other man a look of apology but the shuttle pilot didn't seem to mind. Even if he hadn't known just how rare sleep was for her, Steve was simply a genuinely nice guy. Kolyat wondered why she hadn't thought to put on socks but a part of him reveled in the feel of her skin against his.

She was generally more physically demonstrative with him than with Feron so it wasn't entirely a novelty. Perhaps she felt more comfortable with him due to his more reserved nature rather than Feron's more brash one. Maybe it was because she'd felt comfortable with his father and he knew that, despite their limited time together, he shared many of Thane's mannerisms and patterns of speech. Whatever it was, she'd begun to do little things like passing a hand gently across his head when he was meditating and she walked by or leaning her head against his arm--she wasn't tall enough to reach his shoulder--when they stood together and talked about the past.

It had been difficult when she'd begun doing the same with Feron. He didn't know if she was interested in his friend or if she was just returning to her normally demonstrative ways. Either way, he'd liked feeling like he was special to her in those months when she'd been almost entirely withdrawn into herself and he'd been the only one who could bring her back to herself. Seeing Feron do the same made him feel territorial and had begun to wear on their friendship though Feron seemed oblivious because he was convinced she wasn't interested in him.

Having her here now, like this, with both of them made him wonder. Was she simply more comfortable with them because of their constant physical proximity or was there something more? He looked down at her thoughtfully. One of her arms was around Feron's waist but her legs were curled around his. It was as if she was embracing them both. Perhaps there were feelings there but for both of them and it was only when she was like this with her guard down that she felt safe to acknowledge it even subconsciously. He heard a tone that he knew the others could not and glanced over at Feron to find his friend looking at him consideringly. He wondered if the other drell's thoughts were running along the same lines as his.

When the hanar had rescued the drell from Rakhana, they had taken far more males than females, likely already planning to use them for labor and fighters. Male children were encouraged for the same reason and many families, seeing the Compact as an honor, deliberately chose to have conception handled medically in order to ensure that boys were born. Thus, the male population significantly outweighed the female as the hanar had learned to regulate the female population just enough that they could sustain viable reproduction for further generations.

Because of this imbalance and most drell's reluctance to leave Kahje along with many other species unwillingness to live inside their domed cities, polyandry--known as ka'mira--had become a common practice. Couples such as his mother and father were rare. Having more than one male meant that there were greater chances of conception for the females, more providers for the family, and more protection for the family when one or the other was "away on business." For the most part, it worked well. The females with their penchant for nurturing seemed to have a natural ability to fully love more than one at a time and the males were only territorial outside of their family units. His own life would have been much easier had his mother been able to love another as well. She might not have been so unhappy, might not have died, and he might not have been so alone.

Drell were not the only non-monogamous culture. The hanar married only one but most had quiet relationships on the side. It wasn't frowned upon unless the relationship was flaunted and the spouse was seen as being dishonored. Wreav, surprisingly, had stepped up since Wrex' death and had become a good leader. The krogan had developed a system of polygamy since the genophage was cured after the war. The females wanted the most virile for their mates and since they were no longer warring, the strength of a male was judged by the number of females he was able to draw. Turian marriage was generally for purposes of strengthening their clans and emotion rarely entered into it. They married but few were actually bonded to their spouse. Marriage was a civil contract and bondmate relationships were viewed with just as much respect as bonding was just as much for life as marriage. It was not uncommon for spouses and bondmates to be friends and even to live and raise children together.

Of course, not all of them were like that. Salarians were so short-lived that finding even one mate and sharing enough time with them could be difficult. Asari were so long-lived in contrast to most of the other species with which they mated that most of them practiced a form of serial monogamy until their matriarchy when they generally stopped seeking new partners once theirs died. Volus and batarians were strictly monogamous. And humans were very strange in their views of sex and relationships.

Humans tended to be more uptight than most, at least as far as the public eye went. Marriage was supposedly for life but divorce was common. Most claimed to be monogamous and looked down on other practices but infidelity was one of the leading causes of divorce. For the most part, males were expected to be promiscuous, at least until marriage, while females were shamed for doing so. The double standard made little sense to him as the majority of humans were heterosexual. If the females were not supposed to be sexually active, then with whom were the males expected to be promiscuous? He knew of a few human cultures that still practiced polygamy but none that practiced polyandry.

He was wasting his time even considering it. She was more open to other cultures than most humans but even if she was interested in both of them and accepting of the practice she likely would not be willing to participate. Her view that being with his father would somehow take from his mother would probably translate to this situation as well. He just hoped that his friendship with Feron was strong enough to survive should she choose one of them. Of course, that was assuming that she wanted either one of them.

The game ended with the salarian team winning by a single point. Joker and the others grumbled good-naturedly and transferred their credits. Kaidan and Jack promised to come back by later during their shore leave and they all left quietly to avoid waking Shepard. When Cortez stood and left with Vega, Kolyat did not move. He and Feron sat lost in their own thoughts for a few moments.

Feron said quietly, "So, am I just imagining it or do you think she likes us?"

Of course, his more outspoken friend would be the one to voice what they were both thinking. "I don't know," Kolyat said. "What are we going to do if she does?"

"There's always ka'mira. It's not like you and I haven't shared a woman before."

"I was thinking about that," he admitted. "But I don't think she'd go for it."

"Oh yeah. Humans are sort of monogamous when feelings are involved, right?" He let out a considering hum and said, "Well, I guess we just let her decide, then. But if she won't agree to ka'mira, she probably won't agree to, you know, us fucking around, either if she picks one of us."

"Yeah," Kolyat agreed. "Shit. Why do humans have to be so uptight?"


	6. Chapter 6

Shepard took a deep breath and rolled her head on her shoulders, feeling her tension drain away. It was good to be back on the _Normandy_. Now, maybe, she would be able to get some real sleep. She liked her apartment, but the sounds of the mass effect drive and its subtle vibrations, the gurgle of her fish tank, the stars racing overhead all said home to her. She walked through, trailing her hands over it as she had a habit of doing, and remembered.

The CIC where she'd spent so much of her time poring over the galaxy map; where she, Garrus, and EDI had taken on a group of mercenaries _But only if they're classy!_ ; where Hackett had stood to deliver his speech to the fleets before the final battle _Stand fast. Stand strong. Stand together_. The lab where Mordin had spent so much of his time _Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong._ was long gone, replaced by the briefing room where she'd hosted a war summit _The krogan has a name._ , the war room where she'd coordinated an intergalactic force _We find ourselves in similar circumstances._ , the comm room where she'd spent hours in briefings with the admirals and the Council _Why me, sir?_. The armory had been--thankfully--moved and in its place was storage. She rode the elevator down to the crew deck, remembering countless awkward conversations between Garrus and the others over the years.

The crew deck felt empty. She knew engineering would be even worse but she needed to say hello to Ken and Gabby who'd remained on her crew. The observation decks were no longer Kasumi and Samara's cabins and she would never again come in to find the asari meditating in front of a galaxy full of stars. She traced the names on the memorial wall, paying silent homage to the ones who'd been lost.

The main battery was likewise vacant and she sat on her customary crate staring at the blank terminal. EDI could handle the continued calibrations of the guns but it felt wrong not having Garrus there to do it. This place had been her refuge when the pressures of war had threatened to swamp her. She'd known that she could come here and let go. Garrus wouldn't buckle or falter in the face of adversity or long odds. She didn't have to put on her commander's face here. She could just be herself and know that, even if they had to hold each other up to do it, there was someone to lean on. He was her best friend, would always be her best friend, and it never felt quite right without him here.

He'd mentioned returning to the _Normandy_ the last time she'd talked to him. He'd said retirement was getting boring. She knew that the truth of the matter was that, as much as he loved Palaven, returning to everyday civilian life after years of constant battle and racing from one fight to the next was difficult. The _Normandy_ was as much his home as it was hers. She'd already promised to make him her XO if he came back. He knew the ship, knew her, and had proven himself as a leader and a tactician. He was someone she could trust to lead them into battle should she become incapacitated.

She hadn't told him yet, but she'd also given Garrus and Joker joint ownership of the _Normandy_ in her will. She couldn't take the ship from Joker and couldn't imagine anyone other than Garrus with it if she were gone. Hackett had been furious when he'd found out as he still felt the ship should go to the Alliance as it had been built to replace the SR-1 and based on its design. She'd had to once again remind him that the ship was her personal property. Giving her the ship had been just one more way the Illusive Man had attempted to blind her to what Cerberus really was. And it had worked for a time. She didn't think he'd anticipated her actually taking it when she left, though.

She stopped in to say hello to Karin before going down to engineering. She knew that Feron was busy setting up in Liara's old office. Kolyat would be sitting at his father's table in the Life Support room with his well-worn prayer book, praying for his father's spirit. It was still jarring to come in and find them there in place of the rooms' former occupants but somehow it felt right as well that Kolyat was there in the place where his father had woken again. She knew it made him feel closer to Thane. Kolyat had now been with her for longer than his father had and yet it was still 'Thane's room'.

The cargo holds were quiet and empty despite the supplies without Grunt stomping around and the constant drone of Zaeed's surveillance feeds. She'd gotten used to the empty subdeck but she went down anyway. She knew she was stalling. Taking a deep breath and squaring her shoulders, she climbed the stairs and turned into engineering. Ken and Gabby entertained her for a few minutes with stories about their latest visit to Earth and then withdrew to give her privacy.

She went over to Tali's terminal and laid her head on the console. Her body shook with the force of her sobs. She wondered if it would ever stop hurting, ever stop feeling like she'd been kicked in the chest by an elcor. Tali had been like a little sister to her. She'd trusted her and looked up to her and Shepard had failed her. Out of everyone, Tali in many ways had given her the most. The quarian had followed her even when she'd been working with a group that had harmed her people, even when she'd brought one of her ancestral enemies on board and made him a member of the crew, even when she'd been swamped with responsibility by her own people.

She'd never doubted that when Shepard had said she would do something it would get done. Shepard had promised to save her people and then she'd killed them in a fit of righteous indignation. She still felt that it had been right to support the geth but the way she'd handled the flotilla was something Shepard would regret until the day she died. She could still see Tali standing on that cliff, see her remove the mask to lift her face up to the sun of the homeworld she'd so longed to see and had been so happy to find.

In her mind, she watched her friend turn and reveal the achingly beautiful face that none other had had the privilege to see. Garrus was right. There had been an angel under that mask. And then she heard the words, _I'm sorry_ , and felt the sick helplessness tear through her gut as Tali raised her arms and Shepard dived for her in a twisted parody of her dive for Jack on the Collector base. Only this time she knew she wouldn't be fast enough. She felt Tali's fingers slip through her own, though she didn't know if that had been real or a detail added by her recurrent nightmares, and watched in despair as her friend fell to her death.

Strong arms slid around her waist and then she was being turned and her face pressed into a firm male chest. "Shhh. Easy, Shepard," Kolyat murmured, stroking her hair. She didn't normally allow them to see this side of her but she was so tired of carrying it alone so she fisted her hands in the soft material of his shirt and let it soak up the hot tears that rained from her eyes. "Let it out," he said. "There is no shame in grieving for someone you loved."

"What's going on?" Feron's voice asked. "Ah, shit. Hey, Shepard. It's all right." She felt him move to stand behind her and his arms joined Kolyat's around her. His forehead pressed against her hair. She dropped one of her hands from Kolyat's chest to slip her fingers into Feron's and allowed them to hold her.

"I killed her," she said miserably, finally admitting her shame to them. "I killed her like I killed Mordin and Wrex. I'm a murderer. I should be dead, not her. You should have left me on the Citadel. I have no right to be here when they're dead by my hand."

"Is that what's been wrong with you this whole time?" Feron asked. "Honey, no. It was a war. War doesn't always let you make the choice that fits with your morals. Sometimes you have to put the greater good ahead of what's right for the individual. You had no control over what Tali chose to do. She jumped. You didn't push her. She chose. Wrex attacked you. Sure, you fucked him over. But if he hadn't been so damn stubborn and insisted on shit that could have waited, you would have had the salarians and the krogan and could have told that dried up old bitch to go shove it up her ass when she complained after the war was won like, I may point out, you did. And Mordin, yeah, that's a tougher one. But what would have happened if you hadn't done it?"

Shepard sniffed. "He'd have either gone up, fixed the sabotage and lost me the salarians or he would have revealed my deception and cost me the krogan and likely most of my other allies as well. Hell, he worked so fast he might have done both."

"So by that point, you were already in too deep to have a choice," Feron said, running his hand over her arm. "But, again, if Wrex hadn't made his demands, it wouldn't have happened."

"That doesn't make it right!" she insisted. "I got desperate and I forgot who I was."

"Do you think you are the only one who has become disconnected and done terrible things?" Kolyat asked gently. "Tell me, do you think my father deserved to die?"

"No," she answered, her mind too laden with grief to understand where he was going. "You know that. Thane was a damn hero and I made that son of a bitch Kai Leng drown in his own blood for what he did."

"Do you think I deserve death?" he asked.

"No, Kolyat," she said, horrified by the idea. "Never."

Kolyat continued to stroke her hair as he said, "Both my father and I killed people who had done nothing to wrong us. He knowingly killed innocents. And yet you feel that we deserve absolution and you do not. You cannot wish for death for your sins without wishing it upon us as well for they are one and the same. I know that you believe my father's soul has found peace. Thus, a part of you must also believe that he was granted the forgiveness he requested. He wished that same peace and forgiveness for you. I pray daily for you to find it but you must be willing to forgive yourself as well."

Feron said, "He's right, you know. You're not the only one who's done things you're not proud of. You aren't perfect and you don't have to be. We've all got demons. So yours are a bit bigger than some. Who gives a shit? You've gotta learn to stop dancing with them. And you need to start letting people help you. You think your crew didn't know? They aren't stupid. Liara told me they'd figured it out. They stood by you anyway. They all knew the mission was bigger than any one of them. You don't have to shut them out for fear they'll walk away. Nobody is leaving you behind, Shepard. Haven't you figured that out by now?"

Gradually, her tears slowed and then stopped. She still couldn't bring herself to look at them. No one had ever seen her lose it like this. Even Garrus had not been privy to the depth of her sorrow though she knew he'd sensed it all the same. Crying was not something she did easily and she was ashamed of it even knowing that drell were more expressive with their emotions and did not see tears as a sign of weakness.

Feron's arms tightened around her as Kolyat gently wiped the moisture from her cheeks. "Chin up, Shepard," Kolyat said. "You don't have to hide from us."

"Shit, Shep, you've seen both of us cry," Feron said. "Or have you already forgotten me crying all over your armor when you and Liara came for me? Though, at least that didn't soak through. Kolyat here looks like he's been in a...what is that thing humans do? Wet shirt competition?"

"Wet t-shirt contest," she said with a choking laugh. Pulling back slightly, she realized his shirt was, in fact, soaked and plastered to his chest. An image of him at a bar with women catcalling him while he blushed flashed through her head and she laughed again. "I love you guys."

They both froze and looked at each other over the top of her head. Finally, Feron said softly, "We love you, too, Shep. Now we should probably get going before Gabby comes in and starts drooling all over this sexy blue beast."

Shepard shook her head as Feron stepped back and their hands slipped from around her. She turned to cast a final look at Tali's spot and her heart lurched. She'd been through almost all of the stages of grief over her friend many times over with anger and depression being the most common but, she thought, as one of the guys squeezed her shoulder, maybe with their help she would eventually be able to get to acceptance.

She nodded. "All right, Feron, tell me what we know about this mission."

They accompanied her out of engineering and up to the CIC while Feron detailed both the report she'd been given and the information he and Liara had dug up for her. Someone had put out a contract on the asari councilor Tevos. The person's identity and the motive remained unclear. It was possible that it was a reaction to the asari keeping the beacon on Thessia secret for so long but it was just as possible that it was completely unrelated. The Council had asked her to look into the matter. A professional assassin had made an attempt and the councilor was now in a secret location until the matter could be sorted out.

"What's your take on this, Kolyat?" she asked. "You're the investigator. I'm not a detective."

"Follow the money," he said. "Something like this, there's always going to be a trail. The mercenary groups might work on a bounty system with a promise of payment once the job is complete but an assassin will not. Whoever this is, they really want her dead if they're throwing this much money at it. That means that the most likely choices for the assassin will be salarian or drell."

"All right," she said. "I still have contacts in STG. I'll get with Jondam Bau, see if he can find anything pointing toward the salarians. And I earned some favor with the Illuminated Primacy when I stopped that hanar diplomat from sabotaging Kahje. Kolyat, get in contact with them and drop my name. See if they know anything. In the meantime, Joker, get us to Zorya. Zaeed wants to talk."

"Understood, Commander," Joker said. "Thirty credits says he has a new Jessie story for you when you get there."

Shepard laughed. "I am not taking that bet."

"Damn. Always knew you were smart."


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard hated Zorya. It was a pretty world and the pyjaks were cute but it was hot, humid, and the flora was as likely to kill you as the fauna. How Zaeed or anyone else could stand to live there was beyond her. The planet held some bad memories, too. Hell, there weren't many habitable ones that didn't. If that was her standard by which she decided where to live, she'd have to just retire on the _Normandy_ , which actually didn't sound like a bad idea.

Despite everything that had happened, the ship still held the memories of some of the best parts of her life. Everyone she cared about was connected in some way to that ship. Preferring the burn of nostalgia to the acrid memories of smoke and flame and searing flesh that she now knew the sensation of all too well, she continued to let her mind focus on her ship rather than the last time that she had been on this toxic garden world.

The trio kept to the shadows within the jungle rather than approaching outright via the paths that had been hacked out of the foliage. Zaeed may run the Blue Suns again but that didn't mean that there weren't people who'd risk his wrath to get a shot at her. She'd killed a lot of them in her time. She and Feron flanked Kolyat with her taking point and Feron watching their backs. She knew her way around the planet and she wanted Kolyat close with his biotics. He did better at short range but he was a decent sniper as well while Feron was almost as good as Garrus with a sniper rifle but not as good close up. It was almost like having her old team back, complete with Garrus' snark.

"If this is your idea of taking us somewhere nice, Shepard, remind me never to let you pick the restaurant," Feron said.

"And here I was thinking about taking you boys out to Ryuushi when we got home," she said.

"Did they fix the fish tank?" he said innocently.

"What?" Kolyat asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said. The memory of that fiasco was, comparative to some others, kind of funny but her crew still hadn't let her live it down. Tali had been so mad... _don't go there, Shepard._

"You know, it's kind of cheating that Feron knows all of these stories because of Liara. Gives him an unfair advantage," Kolyat said.

"For what? Messing with me?" she asked.

"Well, yeah."

"Et, tu, Bruté?" she asked with a wounded tone. He laughed and she was glad he got the joke. He was almost as well-read as his father. She had to explain it to Feron.

Zaeed met them at the waterfall. When he saw her, he stretched his arms wide and engulfed her in a hug that lifted her off her feet. "Shepard! Aren't you a goddamn sight for sore eyes? When are you going to quit being a goddamn hero and run off with me in that bloody beautiful ship of yours? Pirates, Shepard! We could be pirates! Think of all the credits the two of us could rake in."

She shook her head. "I can't believe you're living on this shithole again."

"What are you talking about shithole?" he demanded. "This place is bloody fucking beautiful. 'Ey! You! Thane's boy. Watch your step. You're about to walk on my Jessie. Come on, Shepard, you know you wanna pay your respects."

Kolyat's brow ridges dipped in confusion and she gave him a slight shake of the head not to ask. "You buried her?" Shepard asked. Joker was going to get a kick out of this.

"She was starting to rust. Couldn't bear to watch it anymore. Only woman I ever loved but for you, Shep. Well, and that damn justicar. I hate what she did," he said, his tone turning sad.

"Me, too, Zaeed."

He clapped her shoulder and then said, "Well, you didn't come all the way here to drown in goddamn memories. There'll be plenty of time for that in a few months when we're all falling down bloody drunk trying to pretend we can come back from the whole damn galaxy needing us to save its ass and be normal. It ain't much but I got some information for you."

"I'd hoped as much."

"Two days ago, I was contacted by an unknown person with an offer. No information on the contact and I tried. Twenty million credits if the Blue Suns could take out that asari councilor Tevos. A hundred million if we'd take out the whole damn Council. The offer was going out to all three major merc organizations and to various professional assassins. Now, your problem is that I found Tevos and if an old bounty hunter like me can do it..."

"A professional assassin will have no problem," she finished.

"Exactly. Problem is, it was almost too easy to track her down. Whoever put her there didn't do a very good job of covering his or her tracks."

"Anything else?"

He rubbed the back of his neck and said, "Just...be careful, Shepard. I don't like the smell of this one goddamn bit."

She didn't like it, either, she thought in the shuttle on the way back. Forcing the Council into hiding was as good as, if not better than, actually taking them out. It made them look weak. As much as she'd butted heads with the Council for years they'd finally come together to end the war and she'd had a good working relationship with them since. They were doing their best to pick up the pieces and rebuild. This was a bad time for a change in leadership.

When they returned to the ship, she stripped off her armor and went directly to the comm room where EDI had the Councilors waiting. "I just got an anonymous tip. The threat isn't just to Councilor Tevos. It includes all of you." She filled them in on the rest of what Zaeed gave her, only holding back the information about the safe house being breached. She'd get Tevos to safety first and then fill them in. She was afraid that if she told them now, she'd end up tipping off the wrong person. There was too much she didn't know even to warn Councilor Hackett. She couldn't be certain his own lines were secure.

When she disconnected, she told Joker to set a course for Illium. Whoever thought hiding an asari on Illium was a good idea was an idiot. She was too recognizable, especially among her own people and Illium was a primarily asari world. The problem was that them being her people didn't necessarily mean they'd be loyal or she'd be safe. It had been an asari Spectre the old Shadow Broker had sent after Liara, after all. Besides, Illium was crawling with Eclipse. When Joker confirmed their destination, she took the elevator down to the crew deck to talk to Feron.

___ 

That was the problem, Kolyat realized. That was why she'd had so much trouble adjusting. Zaeed had spelled it out. She was only pretending to be normal. All of them were, really, but she had it the worst. Shepard fixed things. That's what she did. She'd been given the task of fixing a problem that had wiped out civilizations and spanned millennia and she'd done it. She'd spent years on a razor's edge of life and death where every decision she made had anywhere from hundreds of thousands to trillions of lives hanging in the balance. She'd been forced to make choices that no mortal being should ever have to make on its own.

He reread the portion of the poem by Tennyson that she'd had etched into the memorial wall on the ship. She'd told him it was something Ashley Williams had shared with her. _Death closes all. But something ere the end, some work of noble note, may yet be done, not unbecoming men that strove with gods. Come, my friends. 'Tis not too late to seek a newer world. Push off, and sitting well in order, smite the sounding furrows; for my purpose holds to sail beyond the sunset and the baths of western stars until I die._

She and her crew had fought gods and prevailed and she was expected to return to mortal life unchanged. How could anyone see what she had seen, do what she had done, and still be normal? The galaxy itself was too small for her now. What purpose could hold someone who had fulfilled one on a deific scale?

His concerns over her feelings for himself and Feron felt suddenly petty and childish. His father had understood when he called her Siha that she was something more, someone to be cherished and revered. Simply being granted the privilege of having her call him a friend was more than he was worthy of. Those who called her a legend were only beginning to touch on her true nature. She was...almost holy.

The door to the elevator opened and Shepard recognized the look on Kolyat's face when he saw her step out. She'd seen that look on others, people who didn't know her, and it made her uncomfortable. To see it on his made her sad and angry. It was a look that put her on a pedestal she didn't want, one she couldn't possibly maintain, one that created nothing but distance and made her feel even more alone.

She pulled him into the Life Support room and said, "All right, Kolyat. What is it? Why are you looking at me like I just sprouted wings and started to glow?" She listened in dismay as he told her his thoughts and vehemently shook her head. She activated her omni-blade and sliced it across her hand. "No, Kolyat. Don't you dare put that on me. I'm just as mortal and fallible as you or anyone else. I bleed just like anyone else. I still have hopes and dreams and fears just like anyone else. I'm tired of fighting with gods. I want a bit of fucking normalcy in my life and you and Feron are part of that normalcy because you treat me and look at me like anyone else. So don't you dare start trying to turn me into a fucking goddess. Warrior-angel was more than enough, thank you."

While she was talking, Kolyat pulled out a tube of medigel and put it on her hand. "Gods, Shepard. You didn't need to do that to prove your point."

"Yes, I did. Sometimes I need to remind myself, too."

"What do you dream, Shepard?" he asked. "What do you want?"

She blinked at him, at a loss. Had anyone ever asked her that? If so, she couldn't remember it. Her wants, her dreams, her needs had always come after. She learned everything she could about her crew every time but very few had ever asked about her. What she wanted had been so unimportant for so long that she very rarely ever let herself think about it.

"Family," she finally answered. "All I've ever wanted was a family. I don't care what it looks like as long as it's mine. I've always belonged, in a way, to my ship's crew but those ships were always changing. That's part of why I deal with Joker's shit. He's the only person who's ever stayed with me through everything. I get that people move on and things change. It's a part of life. But I want a family that's mine. Someone who's going to stay."

"You already have that, Shepard," he said.

"I know," she said. "Sort of. But almost all of them have scattered. They have their own lives, their own families now."

"I'm not talking about them," he said, still holding her hand in his. "I'm talking about us. I'm talking about Feron and me and...and Joker and EDI and Cortez. We aren't going anywhere."


	8. Chapter 8

He was looking at her so sweetly and so intently that she had the sudden urge to cup his cheek and kiss him. Again, she wondered where that thought had come from. She was confused by this sudden draw to him, especially since she'd felt it with Feron as well. She told herself she just needed to get laid, blow off some steam, relieve some tension. To him, she said, "Kolyat, you and Feron are both going to find some nice drell girl--well, maybe not a nice one for Feron, but someone anyway--and settle down. I'm grateful that you've stayed with me this long and...and you can stay as long as you want, but I'm under no illusions that it will be this way forever."

He shook his head and gave her a strange smile. "You just don't get it, do you, Shepard? What you do to people?"

"I don't know what you mean," she said.

In response, he leaned forward and kissed her. She was so surprised by his action that she simply stood there for a moment trying to get her bearings in a world that had just flipped upside down. His lips were gentle against hers, asking, seeking, and she softened against him. He released her hand to slide his arms around her waist and pull her closer to him and she felt the lean warmth of his body against hers. Her hands cupped his face, heedless of the already healing cut on her palm, and she gave herself over to him.

His tongue slipped into her mouth and she sighed as it danced against hers. Warmth bloomed within her as she traced the ribbed skin below his frill and she felt his hands slide up under the hem of her shirt to trace the ridge of her spine. She shivered and he groaned deep in his throat and did it again, drawing the same response from her.

Gods, she was everything he'd ever dreamed and more. She was sweet and soft and the sighing breaths she was taking and the tiny sounds she was making just from him barely touching her told him of her responsiveness. He called on every bit of his training, all of his meditations, to maintain control. He didn't want to push and scare her away. This wasn't about sex. This was about showing her what she meant to him. She wasn't some random girl at a bar to take home and fuck till he snuck out in the morning or some girl that Feron brought home for them to share for a few hours. She was Commander Fucking Shepard and she thought she was alone.

He didn't just want her body. He wanted everything. He wanted her heart. He wanted to be the one she came home to, the one she turned to, the one she leaned on. If she wanted Feron, too, then that was even better. He didn't mind sharing as long as he knew that he could be a part of her the way she was already a part of him. So he resisted the urge to strip their clothes away, sit her on the table, and take her. Instead, he kept his touches soft and didn't pressure her as his mouth drifted down the side of her neck, drawing another of those soft sounds from her. He slid his hands up her ribcage until his thumbs grazed the sides of her breasts and he felt her hands fist in his shirt. "Kolyat?" she gasped, making it sound like a question.

"I am here, Shepard. Always," he said without breaking the contact with her neck. She was so soft. Her skin felt like silk. He wanted to touch all of it, to taste it, to see if all of her looked like alabaster come to life. He allowed his tongue to trace the tendon on the side of her neck and her nails dug into his skin through the fabric of his shirt. Returning to her mouth, he explored her with lips, tongue, and teeth. She groaned when he bit lightly against her lip and he thought he would die when she returned the nip.

He drew away, kissing her lightly before he did. "If I don't stop now...well, let's just say you're not the kind of woman I want to take on the table. Not the first time, anyway," he finished with a cocky grin.

"Kolyat, you're wicked! I had no idea." She'd had no idea about a lot of things, actually. She hadn't realized he'd even seen her as a woman. She'd certainly had no idea he could kiss like that. The man kissed like an angel. She'd had no idea that he could incite this warm glow within her that made her want to take him up to her cabin and spend the entire day exploring his beautiful turquoise body. She'd also had no idea that he could strike the feelings within her that he had.

She liked him, appreciated him, cared for him. She liked being around him and liked sharing her home with him. She liked talking to him and listening to what he had to say. She was comfortable with him in a way she was with few others. And now she was discovering that she liked his body as well. She was forced to acknowledge that what she felt for him went deeper than friendship. She didn't know if she could call it love, exactly, but it certainly wasn't as platonic as she'd thought.

"There's a lot about me you don't know, Shepard," he said, still with that grin, and her heart fluttered.

"I...would like to find out," she said as her omni-tool pinged. "But, for now, I should...uh, duty calls." She was seriously trying to break the habit of saying 'I should go' now that she knew how ridiculous she sounded.

"I'll be here," he said.

She let her hand slide down his chest and over his tight abdomen, enjoying the hissing breath he took, before turning to go. She checked her omni-tool to find a message from Feron asking her to come by when she had a minute. She slipped into the observation lounge for a moment to regain her composure and let the flush fade from her cheeks before going to the office that had once been Miranda's and then Liara's and was now Feron's.

He looked up in surprise when the doors slid open. "That was fast."

"I was, uh, talking to Kolyat," she said, shifting nervously. "I was planning on coming by anyway to give you a message for the Broker." His eyes narrowed on her in concern. Shepard didn't get nervous. Maybe this thing with the Council was throwing her a little more than usual. Or maybe she was still feeling shy about the scene down in engineering. He'd hated seeing her in that kind of pain but had been so glad that he could finally do something about it and he certainly didn't think less of her for it. He decided to make her grin. Patting his lap, he said, "Well then, why don't you come over here and tell me all about it?"

Sure enough, she rocked back on her heel and crossed her arms with a cock of an eyebrow and a smirk she tried to hide. "Keep that up, big guy, and I'm going to take you up on it. If you're trying to make me blush, you're going to have to do better than that. I served with Vega, remember?"

If that wasn't a challenge, he didn't know what was. Seeing his opportunity to do something he'd wanted to do for a long time, he strode to her and grabbed her wrist. He paused when he noticed the red line on her hand and smelled Kolyat on her. Instinct overrode his sense. She gasped when he pushed her against the wall and buried a hand in her hair before taking her mouth. He took advantage of the breath to sweep his tongue between her lips and used the hand in her hair to angle her head so that he could seal his mouth more fully against hers. She moaned and clutched his arm with a shaky hand.

Gods, she was sweet. Somehow, having Kolyat's scent on her was even more arousing. He followed the trails left by his friend's hands and mouth and she arched against him. Silently thanking Kolyat for getting her warmed up for him, he grabbed her hips and lifted her to him, wrapping her legs around his waist and rolling his hips to slide his erection against her. Her nails raked against his chest and her head fell back against the wall as she cried out, "Oh god, Feron!"

What had begun as a warm glow was now a raging inferno. His mouth was rough against hers, his body hard and demanding. If Kolyat kissed like an angel, Feron kissed like the devil himself. His hand slid boldly under her shirt to cup her breast as he ground himself against her. Her hips moved of their own volition, sliding against him until she was aching with need. She could hear his breath groaning in his chest mingling with her own sharp cries. In a matter of seconds, he had turned her from the cool and collected commander to a wanton slave of desire.

Her hands roamed over his broad shoulders, feeling the warm, soft leather covering them like a second skin and down over his chest as his mouth kissed and pecked and nipped at her neck. He kneaded her ass with one hand while his thumb grazed her nipple and his erection slid over that sweet spot at her center. It was an overload of sensation for someone who had been without for so long and she bit down on his shoulder to try to regain some semblance of control.

"Gods, Shep," he panted, going rigid. "I'm going to fuck you right here against this wall if we don't stop and you're not the kind of woman I'd do that with the first time."

His words, so closely echoing Kolyat's, brought her back to her senses and she felt a wave of shame wash over her. What the hell was wrong with her? Not fifteen minutes ago, she'd been shaking in Kolyat's arms and now here she was doing the same damn thing with Feron only much further much faster. She was acting like they were interchangeable and that was wrong. She cared about them both. How could she do this to them?

"Stop," she breathed, pushing against him and wiggling down out of his grasp. "I should go," she bit out before turning and all but sprinting to the elevator, praying that the mess hall would be empty for once. She was certain her face was red with embarrassment. Damn her pale skin. She didn't have enough feeling in her face anymore to make proper expressions but she could still blush. She was over thirty, a seasoned military officer, and a Spectre. Blushing was for children. She had to get out of there, needed to be alone to think. She didn't even know who she was anymore.

The mess was mercifully empty and she made it to the elevator without incident but when she swiped the control panel, the doors didn't open. Fuck! She swiped it again. "Stupid fucking goddamn slow piece of shit. Why the fuck couldn't Cerberus build me a set of goddamn stairs?" she exclaimed.

"Shepard?" a soft voice asked behind her.

She tensed. This couldn't be happening. Not now. Gods, they were going to hate her. She was going to lose them both because of her damn libido that had suddenly decided to go from nun to slut at FTL speed. "No, no, no, no, no. Come on, you stupid machine."

Kolyat's arms slipped around her from behind, stilling her. "Shepard? What's wrong?" he asked, nuzzling her hair and neck.

The elevator opened and she wrenched herself away from him and slammed her fist against the control for her deck. "Nothing. I'm fine," she lied as the doors closed, leaving him looking confused, hurt, and almost angry. She slumped against the wall.

Kolyat wondered what had happened to put her in such a state, what news she'd gotten that had upset her so much. Determined to calm her, he'd gone to her and put his arms around her. She'd tensed and he'd smelled Feron. In her hair, on her neck, around her face, and lower. He didn't care that Feron had made a move. He did care that whatever he'd done had upset her like this. He'd never known his friend to force himself on a woman but when she'd all but jerked herself away and turned to face him, he'd seen the flush in her face and the sheen of moisture in her eyes and then all he saw was red.

He stormed into Feron's cabin where he was sitting on the bed with an expression Kolyat recognized as solipsism. Ignoring it, he grabbed Feron by the throat and slammed him back onto the bed. "What the fuck did you do to her?" he shouted and Feron blinked up at him. "If you hurt her, I swear to Amonkirah and Arashu that I will send you to the sea myself!"

"Stop!" Feron gasped. "I didn't hurt her! Fuck, Kolyat!"

He eased back slightly and growled, "Then why was she fighting back tears and covered in your scent?"

"She was crying? Shit! Oh, fuck. What did I do?"

"You tell me."

"I swear to you, I didn't hurt her. The second she said stop, I let her go. One second we were all over each other and the next she was running out the door."

"Tell me exactly what happened," Kolyat demanded.

"You sure? All right." Feron slipped into the memory and recited the events until Kolyat released him and sat back. "Do you have any idea why she reacted like that?"

Kolyat rubbed his hand over his forehead and said, "She felt guilty. I'd said basically the same thing to her right before she came in here. Given human views on sex and relationships, I'd be willing to bet that she feels like she betrayed both of us and, likely, especially me because I kissed her first."

"Think we should talk to her or give her some space?" Feron asked.

"I don't know." Kolyat admitted.


	9. Chapter 9

"Stupid, stupid slut!" Shepard ground out between her teeth as she stood under the spray of the shower trying in vain to wash away something she'd already learned years ago took more than soap and water to cleanse. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

She couldn't believe she had done that to them. After everything they'd done for her, she'd kissed Kolyat like she was falling in love and then turned around and made out with his best friend! It was wrong on so many levels she couldn't even begin to count them. Liara was going to kick her ass eight ways from Sunday for doing that to Feron and she wouldn't be surprised to see Thane's ghost rise from the sea to snap her neck right here and now.

She couldn't believe she could just be so deprived that any dick would do as long as it was attached to an attractive man and, yes, both of them were wildly attractive. She wanted them both, liked them both, cared about them both. She'd thought that meant there was something there with Kolyat but now she wasn't so sure. What if it meant she didn't truly care about either one of them?

She'd never been this way with Thane and she could admit aesthetically that he'd been damn sexy. But there'd never been more than just a basic detached recognition of that fact without any desire added to it. He'd been dying and clearly still in love with his dead wife. If he hadn't been, would she have been all over him, too? Did drell just have some kind of pheromone that drove human women crazy if they spent too much time around them?

She dried herself with quick, angry movements and threw on the first set of clean clothing she found without even looking at it before activating her omni-tool.

 **KS:** Do drell have some kind of pheromone builds up over time and acts on females of certain species?  
**LT:** Why are you asking me this, Shepard? What's going on?  
**KS:** I don't want to talk about it. Just answer the question, Liara.  
**LT:** Too bad. Talk.  
**KS:** Fine. I just came within about thirty seconds of ripping both Kolyat and Feron's clothes off and fucking their brains out within about ten minutes of each other and I'm trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  
**KS:** If it's something physiological then we need to get it fixed because I have a feeling we're going to be going to Kahje soon and I'd rather not get there and have it all over the news that Commander Shepard attempted to fuck the entire drell population on the hanar homeworld!  
**KS:** But if it's not physiological then I'm a horrible person.  
**LT:** Oh, dear Goddess.  
**KS:** If you are laughing at me right now, I'm going to have Javik toss you out the airlock.  
**LT:** You know they're polyandrous, right?  
**KS:** I think my translator just glitched, They're what?

Her omni-tool beeped signaling an incoming vid call and she opened it to see Liara's face. Her friend was clearly trying to conceal a snicker. "Tell Javik to toss your insensitive ass out of the airlock, Liara T'Soni! This is serious! I'm going to lose them!"

"Calm down, Shepard," Liara said soothingly. "I highly doubt either of them are going to go anywhere. Whichever one you went to second already knew about the first. He could smell him on you. And, as I said, drell are polyandrous."

"That word again," Shepard said.

"The opposite of polygamy. One wife, more than one husband," Liara said. "Not all of them practice it but most do because there are so many drell males and so few females. It's also why you rarely see a drell couple outside of Kahje. When the males leave, they usually find a mate of a different species because the females generally stay on the planet."

"How do you know this?" Shepard asked.

"Quoyle explained it when I went to the Prothean ruins there," she said. "I was curious as to why there were so many trios. His wife had a second husband as well. And when I asked Feron, he said it was quite common. They even have a name for it. Ka'mira.”

Shepard held up a hand. "Wait, wait, wait. So if Feron could smell Kolyat on me and knew what we'd been doing, then when Kolyat came up behind me when I was trying to get the damn elevator to open, he could smell Feron on me, too, right?"

"Right. Drell and turians have very evolved senses of smell, especially when it comes to pheromones."

Shepard groaned. "So they both already know. And, what? Either I'm a horrible person and they're going to hate me or...they, what? Want a threesome or something?"

"No! Well, maybe. I don't know. The males are also commonly bisexual. Of course, that doesn't mean they are," she said quickly, her blue cheeks turning lavender as she sputtered. "Anyway, no, not necessarily. It's about relationships, not just sex. You really should talk to them about this."

"Liara! This is hard enough talking to you about. Damn it, I wish Mordin were here. It would be embarrassing but at least he'd be clinical." Another wave of guilt hit her. _He's not here because you murdered him._

Liara sighed and held her head in her hand. "All right. Clinical. I can do that." She took a breath. "Polyandry is a form of non-monogamy primarily practiced among the drell species due to an excess of males and shortage of females. It is similar to polygamy but without the negative connotations and abuse your species often brings into the practice when it is combined with a pseudo-religious element.

"It isn't about threesomes, though they can be part of the arrangement if the parties agree. It isn't infidelity because everyone is aware of it and gives express consent. It is a closed, mated relationship almost always consisting of two males and one female. Very, very rarely a third male is brought in but that's almost unheard of as it generally places too much pressure and responsibility on the female. Partners of either gender are never brought in from outside of the relationship just for sex. It is considered the norm within drell society."

Shepard considered this. "So you're saying they both want to be my mate or something?"

"It would seem so," Liara said.

"What was that you were saying about bisexuality?" she asked with an audible gulp. She didn't have a problem with two guys being together. She thought Cortez and Vega made a great couple once they finally admitted their attraction to each other. She just couldn't picture Kolyat and Feron together. Feron, maybe, but Kolyat just seemed so...innocent...that she was having a hard time picturing any of this associated with him.

Liara bit her lip and muttered something about being clinical before saying, "Again, due to the uneven ratio of males to females, drell males have a higher than average rate of bisexuality. It's...around seventy-five percent. I don't know if Feron is or not. I've never asked and I've never seen him with anyone male or female. It hasn't been something I've thought was any of my business with either him or with Kolyat. I don't go snooping around for information on my friends, especially not when it comes to their sex lives."

"Okay," Shepard said, taking a deep breath. "That's a lot to think about. You really don't think they're going to be angry with me? Liara, I couldn't stand it if I lost them. I've already lost so many people."

"Deep breaths, Shepard. They won't be angry. Look, why don't you come here for a few days? I can work on getting more of this information for you and you can take a break. It's a big ship, much bigger than the _Normandy_ , and I can keep them busy."

"Actually, I was going to have Feron contact you. I may need to place someone with the Broker for protection." She never referred to Liara directly as the Shadow Broker unless they were in person. The only one aboard the ship who knew that she was the Shadow Broker was Javik.

"Is this connected to your current mission?" Liara asked.

"Yes. Security has been compromised. I'll have Feron send you the details to pass on over the secure channel."

"I'll speak with the Broker about it, Shepard."

She heard a pounding on the door and a muffled, "Let us in, Shepard. We need to talk."

She sighed. "I hope you're right about them not being angry because they're here."

"It will be all right. And if they are, I'll handle it. Feron, at least. And, if all else fails, we'll just let Javik throw them out the airlock," she said with a laugh.

Shepard grinned as the guys pounded on the door again. "Thanks, Liara. You're the best."

"Shut up, baby. I know it."

Shepard laughed so hard her sides hurt. "You've been watching old human vids again, haven't you? Talk to you soon." She deactivated the omni-tool and glanced down. She'd thrown on a pair of shorts and her N7 hoodie with a camisole underneath. She shrugged. It was good enough. She lived with them. They'd seen her in similar before, they'd seen her with her hair sticking up in the morning--something that had led Garrus to ask in horror if her fringe was broken and if it hurt the first time he'd witnessed her before she'd brushed it into its usual bob, they'd seen her sick and half asleep and almost burned to death and now crying. She didn't have to worry about them seeing the scars. They'd seen them hundreds of times before.


	10. Chapter 10

"Open the door, EDI," she instructed. The door slid open and they both rushed in, looking worried, and both began talking at once.

"Are you okay, Shepard?" Kolyat asked as Feron said, "I am so sorry, Shepard. I didn't mean to upset you."

"If he hurt you, I'll kill him," Kolyat growled as Feron asked, "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"Guys! One at a time," she said, holding up a hand. "No, Kolyat, he didn't hurt me. I was...embarrassed. Ashamed, really. I don't know what came over me. I was afraid you were both going to hate me and decide to leave."

Kolyat came to her and put his arms around her. "Didn't I tell you we weren't going anywhere?"

"Yeah, but--"

"But nothing," Feron said, coming to stand beside Kolyat and tucking a strand of her wet hair behind her ear. "We aren't going anywhere unless you tell us to."

Kolyat led her to the couch and pulled her down beside him. Feron sat on the other side of him so she could turn and see them both. Kolyat said, "Look, we handled this badly. A drell female would have understood automatically what was going on and what to do. We both acted on instinct and forgot you don't have the same cultural background."

Feron said, "We need to explain some things to you."

"I talked to Liara," she admitted.

"Oh, thank the gods," Feron sighed, leaning his head back against the couch. "That will make this so much easier. You don't think we're freaks, do you?"

"No," she said. "It's just...different. Really different."

"So she explained the reasons behind it and all that?" Feron asked.

Shepard nodded and Kolyat said, "All right. In order to prevent confusion and ensure something like this doesn't happen again, I would like to lay all of our cards on the table, so to speak." When she nodded, he said, "We both...care about you. This isn't about wanting to get laid. We both want a relationship with you if you feel the same way. You are free to choose only one of us, both of us, or neither of us. Regardless of your decision, neither of us will feel any differently toward you and neither of us will abandon you. However, for our sakes, I do wish for you to choose carefully. My father was an anomaly in more ways than one. Drell mate for life. Divorce is almost unheard of and only for things such as abuse or infidelity, neither of which generally happen. Typically, drell males do not love more than one woman in their lifetime. Therefore, if all you want from either or both of us is physical, be clear about it because if we fall in love with you, there are no second chances for us."

"Man, you know we're both screwed no matter what," Feron said, lifting his head again.

Kolyat smiled slightly. "She still deserves to know. That's why drell and human pairings are so uncommon. Humans are capable of falling out of love. We rarely take that chance. You, however, are different. When you commit to something, you bring a new meaning to the word."

Feron said, "And if it doesn't work out, at least we'll have..." He trailed off and Kolyat scowled at him.

"Each other?" Shepard finished weakly. Holy shit, this was a lot to take in.

Feron hissed, "Shit," and Kolyat cleared his throat.

"Liara mentioned that as well, I see."

"She suggested it might be a possibility," Shepard admitted.

Feron's head fell back again. "Now she's really going to think we're freaks. This was a bad idea, Kol."

"So... we’ve been living in the same apartment and working on the same ship for two years now and you've managed to keep this hidden from me?" she asked. "Why? Surely you didn't think I was going to judge you."

"It's not like that," Feron said. "We aren't a couple like Cortez and Vega. We're best friends who occasionally...fuck around. It, uh, started with--"

Kolyat elbowed him. "I don't think she wants details of our interactions with others."

"No," Shepard said in a tense voice. "Go ahead. Let's get it all out. We've got twelve hours before we get to Ilium."

Kolyat sighed and leaned forward to place his head in his hands. Feron said, "Okay, let me start with this. We've both been crazy about you for a long time. I didn't help Liara rescue you for her or because I have the best morals in the world or anything like that. I mean, it started out that way. But I didn't let Taz take me because of that. I did it because I was...fascinated...by you even then and I couldn't let you go to the Collectors. If there was a chance we could get you back, I had to take it. Then you showed up with Liara and you saved me and I was just...lost. For Kolyat, it started when you showed up with his dad. But you didn't really see either of us that way. Hell, you didn't see anything but the mission. We get that."

"You're rambling," Kolyat muttered and Shepard reached out to rub his back. He seemed so uncomfortable and she needed to show him that she still accepted him at the very least. He leaned into her touch and placed a hand on her knee.

"All right, so Kol and I met through Thane and Liara. Liara felt like I needed a friend who understood the memory thing and had been through rough shit, too. We became friends and so one night we went out to a bar and there was this human female who, uh, looked kind of like you," Feron said hesitantly and Kolyat groaned into his palm. Shepard tried to suppress a smile. This was still really weird but it was kind of cute, too. They were both tough and strong and had survived things she could imagine far too well and yet they both looked like they wanted to sink through the floor.

"Continue," she said, hoping her smile didn't show through her voice. She didn't want them to think she was laughing at them.

Feron said, "She, uh, came onto us. Both of us. So we went back to her place and, uh, anyway, she asked Kol to kiss me and we were both pretty drunk so we agreed and it, uh, just...worked. So we did it a few more times with women and then without the women and then the war ended and you were so messed up. You needed someone and we were both crazy about you and so we moved in. There haven't been any women for either of us since. But, uh..."

"Our bodies have needs, Shepard," Kolyat said without looking up.

"I understand," she said. "I just don't understand why you didn't just tell me."

"We thought that either you would see us as a closed unit--" Kolyat started.

"Or that you'd think we're freaks," Feron finished. "Either way, we didn't think that the time was right. Then you responded to both of us last week during the game when you fell asleep."

"Not sexually," Kolyat said. "You curled into both of us. It was a level of comfort you hadn't shown before and it gave us hope."

"Well, I'm pretty sure she was paying more attention to my arm around her than the game even before that," Feron said. "I felt that little shiver."

"Feron!" Kolyat hissed. "You are making it sound like we manipulated her or that this was intentionally planned."

"Shit. It wasn't, Shepard. I swear to you it wasn't. He kissed you, I smelled it on you. I had already planned on kissing you but it was mostly just to make you smile because you seemed uneasy and when I smelled him on you, instinct kicked in. It's a territorial thing."

Kolyat said, "If you were drell, you would have already sensed our attraction to you. Going to him while smelling of me would signify that one party had already acted upon that attraction and that you were also interested in the second party. When he kissed you, it was a message to us both that he'd accepted ka'mira. I wasn't thinking about that when I kissed you. Had I known you were going there next, I would have explained it somehow. I did not intend to send you in there blind. It was only after I smelled him on you and saw that you were upset that it came to me. I thought he had forced himself on you not realizing that you did not know."

"The point is," Feron said, "we know human relationships are different and that your species tends to look at ours as promiscuous and immoral. We didn't want you to see us that way. I mean, we can be just like any other species before we find someone we care about. But our actual relationships are not at all."

Kolyat said, "We are actually more faithful than humans. There are simply three instead of two. We will never have a mistress. We will never be unfaithful. We will never stop loving you. We will never leave you. The benefit to ka'mira is that if I am unable to get time off of work while you are on a mission, Feron will be able to be by your side and I will be able to take care of our home. If Feron must be away for Liara, I will be with you. You do not have to be alone unless you choose to do so. I realize that you are not materialistic, but it also gives an extra income. For trios who have children, there are two fathers which is important given the number of males who serve the hanar. At least one is almost always available."

"I see what you mean about Thane being an anomaly," she said. "Your parents were monogamous. There was no other father for you, no one to protect you and your mother, no parent when Thane left and Irikah died. I also see why this arrangement appeals to you."

"Yes," Kolyat nodded. "He was also heterosexual and capable of caring for more than one."

"You mean me," she said.

"Yes. You do not think it strange that I would care for you while knowing that?" he asked, looking unsure again.

She shrugged. "Thane was a good friend and a good man but he wasn't always a good father and he acknowledged and tried to correct that. But you weren't a little kid. You were an adult in your own right. It might be different if I'd reciprocated his feelings but I didn't."

"Good," he said.

Feron said, "And as far as Kol and I go, we've discussed it and if it makes you uncomfortable, our...arrangement together will end. Even if you're comfortable with it, you don't have to be involved unless you want to."

"I've never been in this situation before," she said, "so I honestly have no idea how I'd feel about it in practice."

"I have heard that humans tend to be territorial with their mates," Kolyat said. "We anticipated that you would likely prefer it not to happen."

"Like I said, I don't know. I haven't really had time to even think this through. That does lead to another question, though."

Feron said, "All you have to do is ask. We'll tell you anything."

"How does this work? Practically, I mean? Do you not get jealous or territorial? How do you divide time? Is it two separate relationships or one? Where would everybody sleep? All together or taking turns? And what about--"

It was Kolyat's turn to soothe her. "Easy, Shepard," he said, stroking her knee. "We have all night. No, we don't get jealous unless one partner is significantly neglected in favor of the other for an extended period of time. We get territorial when it comes to males outside of the relationship trying to get in but not with each other. As for the rest, we work it out. You are the one to whom this is all new. We would go at your pace. If you want us together, you will get us together. If you want us separate, we will be separate. We recognize that this is not what is normal for you and would do our best to make it as easy as possible."

Feron said, "There is one other benefit to it that you may not have thought about."

"Aside from two very sexy drell?" she teased.

He grinned, "Well, yes, but that's obvious." Turning serious again, he said, "We've all three been through hell often enough that we don't need a map to find our way around anymore. So when you get lost, there are two of us to help guide you back out. Like earlier with Tali."

She thought back to the two of them finding her down in engineering and how they'd quite literally held her together. She'd felt safe and comforted between them. Their viewpoints were different but had worked together to calm her. It had worked in a way that nothing else so far had. To be able to have that when she needed it...no longer facing her demons alone. Having not one but two pairs of hands to pick her up.

Without thinking about what she was doing, she slid into Kolyat's lap and pulled Feron to her. He seemed surprised but his mouth opened willingly to hers and his hands came up to slide into her hair. She felt Kolyat's arms slide around her waist and he pressed his lips to her shoulder. They were all a bit breathless by the time she pulled back. "What was that for?" Feron asked, still sounding surprised.

"I think that was one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever said to me," she told him.

"Oh, well. I have my moments. If that's how you say thank you, I'll have to remember to have them more often."

"Speaking of which," she said with a sly grin. "I can think of one downside to this arrangement."

"What?" Kolyat asked, his brows furrowing.

"Two men with perfect memories? I'll never be able to live anything down with you. You're both going to remember every bad hair day, every time I get bitchy, every time I forget to set the cleaning mech, every embarrassing moment. Like the sushi place I don't want to talk about? It'll always be there, one smell or sound or thought away."

"Yeah," Feron said. "But on the other hand, we'll never forget an anniversary."

"Or your birthday," Kolyat said.

"Or to activate the cleaning mech," Feron added.

"Or a promise," Kolyat said.

"Or a grocery list."

"Or a comm channel."

"Or your favorite foods."

"Or how you take your coffee."

"Strong with a drop of cream and a shit ton of sugar. Hell, we're like a personal VI assistant that doesn't hack the door and follow you into the head," Feron laughed.

"There is that," Shepard agreed. "I suppose you could be useful."

Kolyat nuzzled the side of her neck. "I believe we have given you enough to process for one night. You need rest."


	11. Chapter 11

Illium had been quickly rebuilt after the Reaper War. There was money to spare here and it had not been hit as hard as the homeworlds. The coordinates Zaeed had given her for the location of the safe house were familiar to Shepard. The Dantius Towers. The owner was dead but the name remained the same. They took a transport straight to the top using her Spectre clearance to gain access. As they were flying in, she briefed her team.

"Everything sounds normal, so this should be a simple pickup. However, I've learned that simple is the exception rather than the norm so be prepared for anything. EDI has uploaded the layout of the building to your omni-tools." She called up the holo of the map on her own. "Feron, I want you cloaked and in position here. Watch our six. If you see mercs, don't hesitate. Take them out. Kolyat, you'll come with me. We'll enter here and leave the same way. Feron, when we're on our way out, you take point and scout the way back to the skycar. Kolyat will handle any immediate threats and I will take out any snipers they may have set up. Our primary objective is the safe extraction of the councilor. There will be commandos guarding her. They're very capable of taking care of themselves. Civilians are a secondary concern."

They voiced their agreement and she landed the skycar. Feron cloaked before the door opened and moved silently into position. Kolyat followed her to the anteroom of the penthouse. This was so different from the first time she had come here, she reflected as the guards verified her identity and allowed her to enter. A different mission, a different Krios, a different asari, a different Shepard. Thane had derided her use of gunfire and explosions but hadn't hesitated to use her as a distraction. She'd called him a bastard for that. He'd been cold and disdainful at first. She'd never imagined she would come to call him a friend at all, much less a close one, or be standing here with his son three and a half years after his death with both the Reapers and the Collectors defeated.

"We did it, Thane," she whispered and her heart twisted. So many lost. They'd known he likely would not see the end of the war but it didn't lessen the grief.

"What did you say?" Kolyat asked as they waited for Tevos.

"I was talking to your father," she explained. "The first time I saw him, he dropped from that vent right there and took down half a dozen people in less time than it took me to tell you about it. I've never seen anyone as good as he was. He was better than me. I thought he was an ass at first. It didn't come out often but he had an attitude. He knew exactly how good he was."

"You loved him," Kolyat said.

She nodded. "It wasn't romantic. It was the same way I love Garrus and Liara. But yes, I loved him. He was there for me in a very bad time. I had been brought back only a short time before and was unsure of myself on a very basic level. I was surrounded by people I didn't particularly like and didn't trust. Garrus was dealing with some personal issues and would barely speak to me. Jack was angry, Miranda was cold, Grunt was...well, Grunt. Jacob was all business after I turned him down. Mordin was always busy working. My old crew but for Garrus had refused to come with me and one of them had called me a traitor for working with Cerberus. I had never felt so isolated. Thane was there for me. He always made time for me. He was a friend when I felt like I had none. I loved him for that."

"I am glad," Kolyat said. "He did not have enough love in his life. It makes his loss easier to bear knowing that he had and in a way he could understand and accept in his final year. It is also good to hear him spoken of fondly. You were important to him."

"I miss them all so much," she admitted on a sigh.

The door opened and Kolyat watched in fascination as she changed from Shepard the woman to Shepard the Spectre. Her face smoothed out and closed off. Her eyes hardened. Her posture radiated confidence. Within the blink of an eye, she went from open and vulnerable to cold and lethal. There was no doubt in his mind that the woman beside him was just as deadly as his father. He had been on missions before but none where he had ever had the opportunity to witness the change like this.

Generally, she put on Shepard the Spectre as if she were building her piece by piece with her armor and weapons and she remained that way until it was time to deconstruct it again. Seeing it like this, he could easily imagine this woman throwing a man out of a window without a second thought, sending an asteroid into a mass relay, buying a fleet with the life of one friend and the trust of another. This Shepard would not hesitate, would not doubt, would not regret. It was Shepard the woman who had to live with the consequences of this one's actions. She knew this and had no more mercy for herself than for anyone else who crossed her.

The asari councilor appeared surprised to see her but was calm and collected. "Commander Shepard. I take it you have not come for a visit."

"Your location has been compromised," Shepard said. "I have been authorized to relocate you."

"I have not been informed of this," Tevos said. She was not arguing but simply stating a fact.

"It wasn't safe to discuss it over the comm channels," Shepard said. "If you will accompany me, we'll get you somewhere secure."

Tevos nodded and one of the commandos entered the room with a bag. She allowed Shepard to search and scan it and then followed the councilor out of the room. The speed with which the councilor accepted Shepard's word astounded him. It may have taken years but Shepard had won her unqualified faith. She was slightly pale but her hands were ready and her head was high as she followed Shepard out without so much as an inquiry as to their destination.

He heard Feron's voice over the comm. "Activity. Eclipse mercs crossing the bridge. Sniper behind the large crate to the right. Another in the left-hand corner of the window. Half a dozen commandos, at least a dozen initiates. I'm going to need help on this one, Shepard."

She reacted instantly, drawing her rifle and pointing to the government commandos assigned as guards. "You three, stay out here and guard this door. No matter what happens, we are the only ones in or out. The rest of you, inside with the councilor. I want two people on that air vent with a combat drone and a motion-activated turret pointing up."

"I can set up a rocket firing turret here if you'd like," one of the asari said. "It will only take me a moment."

He heard the crack of Feron's rifle as she nodded. "Done." Motioning him over, she said, "Kolyat, go with them. Stay with the councilor. Be ready to put a barrier on her at a moment's notice but don't forget she's also a biotic. She can fight, too, if necessary. Do not trust any of these people."

Feron saw Kolyat nod and followed Tevos. Shepard went to the balcony overlooking the bridge and began taking out the snipers he'd spotted. The engineer had set up the turret and it was mowing down the initiates. He lined up a shot on one of the merc commandos’ heads and gently squeezed the trigger. She went down and he turned to the next as the one beside his target fell. He fired another shot and then sent a fireball with his omni-tool to take down two of the initiates who were firing on the turret.

"Hey, Feron," Shepard said over the comm. "Is it just me or is there something viscerally satisfying about watching a headshot connect through the scope?"

Gods, she was twisted. He loved that about her. "No. It isn't just you," he said as he took his next shot.

"Try to keep up, Feron. You're falling behind," she said and he saw two mercenaries go down from a single shot.

"Only you could make a firefight fun," he commented as a bullet smacked into the wall below him. He cloaked and moved to a new position.

"I live to please," she said. "Ow! You bitch!"

"You okay, Shepard?" he asked, concerned.

"I'm fine. Keep the bridge clear. I have to deal with a little issue up here."

He wanted to go to her but had to trust that she could handle herself. He heard more gunfire from her location and an asari screamed as another yelled something about tearing her apart. She laughed. The guards had turned. He forced himself to focus on the bridge and keeping the mercenaries off of her back. Three commandos against one Commander Shepard. He knew she'd faced worse odds before. It still drove him to a point of crystal focus as he worked to clear the bridge quickly now so that he could back her up.

"Kolyat, is the councilor safe?" she asked.

"Affirmative, Commander," Kolyat answered calmly.

Feron took down the last of the mercs and waited. He could still hear her fighting so, once he was certain there were no more mercenaries, he cloaked and moved so that he could see her. She had swapped her rifle for her pistol and was pinned down behind a low wall as two of the commandos traded throwing warp fields and firing on her. He lined up on one as he saw Shepard's omni-tool glow. She rose and a ball of flame hit the second commando as his shot took down the asari's barrier. The commando went to the ground, rolling to try to put the fire out but the plasma stuck to her and it did little good. He lowered the first one's barrier and Shepard shot her three times in the chest.

Feron was running before the commando hit the ground. Shepard sprinted to the door. "Let us in, Kolyat," she said. When there was no answer and the lock remained red, she looked at Feron. "Bypass it."

He knelt in front of the door with her at his back and began to work on the door. The encryption was strong but he was good. He bypassed the lock within seconds and the door opened to reveal a pair of bodies lying in the center of the room. Kolyat, his fist flaring blue, leaped over the desk and threw a third into the wall as he shot another. A warp field came around from behind the desk where Tevos was and hit the next. The Councilor was fighting as well. Kolyat spun and lifted two more off the ground and Feron and Shepard were firing before the door was completely open.

 _He moves like Thane_ , Shepard thought as Kolyat grabbed a commando from behind and broke her neck before turning to kick one in the chest. She shot the one coming up behind him and Feron took out another that was trying to get behind the desk. The smell of blood and ejected heat sinks filled the room and the rapid gunfire created a familiar ringing in her ears. Feron made a joke about learning to paint as purple blood splattered the wall and, for a moment, she was with her old team again.

When the room was clear, Tevos stood. The councilor was shaking slightly but her voice was calm as she said, "Commander, I am beginning to lose track of the number of times in which you have saved my life."

Shepard grinned. "I worked too hard to gain your trust. I can't afford to lose you now. Your replacement might not listen to me."

"I do not believe there are many people who would doubt your word now," Tevos said.

"We've survived Reapers. I'm not letting you get taken out by thugs in custom-painted armor," Shepard said before turning to her team. "Change of plans. We go together. Treat anyone you come across as a potential hostile. If you see a weapon or a biotic charge, take them out. Kolyat, your father would be proud."

They surrounded Tevos and Kolyat threw up a barrier around the group as they ran back to the skycar. They met no resistance and were met by Officer Dara at the transport terminal. The officer escorted them back to the ship and said, "You always leave Illium cleaner than you found it, Commander. I'll give you that."

"You'd think Eclipse would learn not to fuck with me," Shepard said, "but no one ever said mercs were intelligent."

She got Tevos settled in the observation lounge before going to the med bay. She'd learned that the guards had turned when one of them shot her in the back. Her shoulder blade burned and ached. Karin removed her armor and made a clucking sound. "You got lucky, Shepard. A few inches to the left and it would have severed your spine."

"Story of my life," Shepard said.

"You'll need surgery."

"Of course I will," she sighed. She connected her comm to Feron. "You've got the deck for the next few hours. Get us to the Broker."

"What's wrong?" he asked. She explained and he said, "All right. I'm sending Kol to you. I'll get the coordinates to Joker and be there as soon as we're through the relay."

"That's not necessary," she said. "It won't be the first time I've been operated on. This is routine now."

"It's the first time for us since...you know. Let us hover a bit, please," he said.

She smiled. "All right, but Karin will throw him out if he gets in the way."

She laid down on the table and the doctor motioned her assistants forward. There was a pinprick and the door opened. Kolyat came in and brushed her hair away from her face. As she slid under, he said, "We will be here when you wake."

Kolyat stepped back to allow the doctor room to work and stood with his hands clasped as he prayed. He saw the doctor start a few times and asked if something was wrong. Dr. Chakwas smiled and said, "No. She is fine. I just keep seeing you out of the corner of my eye and thinking there's a ghost in the room. Your father and Garrus used to stand right there when I allowed them in while I worked on her. I never knew just what they thought they were guarding her against but he would pray just as you're doing now. Please, don't let me distract you."

"I should be saying that," Kolyat said.

"No," she disagreed. "It's...comforting and I know the inner workings of the commander's body well. Between her and Jeff, I more than earn my keep."

Kolyat nodded, pleased that she sounded unconcerned, and resumed his prayers. It seemed as though his father was everywhere he turned today and he let his thoughts slip back to the memory of their visit to Earth. They had tried to get in to see Shepard but even Admiral Hackett had been unable to get them clearance so they went instead to the desert. His father had always wanted to visit one and they had spent days basking in the hot sun and enjoying the stark beauty of the land. The sunsets were magnificent like the sky had begun to burn from a watercolor flame.

It had reminded Thane of Irikah and Kolyat had listened while his father spoke of meeting his mother and falling in love with her. He learned things about both of his parents that he had not known such as his mother's love for gardening and the feelings of betrayal his father felt toward his parents for giving him to the hanar at such a young age. Kolyat had spoken little on that trip, content to simply listen and attempt to store up a lifetime of lost memories in the short time they had left.

Then his father had begun to cough and had fallen and hit his head on a rock. Kolyat had rushed him to a medical facility that had stabilized him and sent him to the Citadel. Thane had not woken for three days. The trip to Earth had been the last time his father had been outside of a hospital before the coup. Kolyat was fiercely glad that Shepard had gotten the bastard who had taken his father but, at the same time, knew Thane would have preferred to end his life doing one final good deed rather than by slowly wasting away in a hospital bed.

Feron entered and went through the decontamination procedure before joining Kolyat. "How is she?" he asked. Kolyat could hear the worried hum in his voice.

"She will be fine," the doctor said calmly, picking up on his concern. "I am almost finished and then you may come sit with her."

Humans could not hear drell subvocals, precisely, but many of them were able to feel them and pick up on the emotion behind them after being around a drell often enough. It did not surprise Kolyat that Dr. Chakwas could do so. She had spent considerable time with Thane while treating him on board the ship and again at the hospital on the Citadel. His father had spoken of her with great respect.

She stepped back and covered Shepard with a sheet while the assistants cleared the medical equipment. He and Feron took up position beside her. She looked so small and pale. It was disconcerting to see her so helpless and far too reminiscent of the time after the war when she had been recovering from the massive injuries she'd sustained during the final battle. He had never wanted to see her like that again and said so.

"She's a soldier, Kol," Feron said. "And not just any soldier. We have to get used to the fact that she's going to get hurt and she's probably at some point going to get hurt in our place because that's what she does."

"I know," he said. "That does not mean I must like it or that I cannot be disturbed by it. Protecting her is supposed to be our responsibility."

"Not on the battlefield," Feron said. "Out there, she's in charge."

"Do you honestly believe she will be able to make the differentiation?" Kolyat asked.

"How do you think she's going to feel when some criminal shoots you at work? She won't like that, either, but she'll know it's part of your job."

Kolyat laughed and said, "If that happens, whoever does it should pray I take him down first."

Feron smiled at that. "She'd go after them and salt the earth behind them."

"Do you know what she did with the body of the assassin who killed my father?" he asked suddenly. She'd never said.

"Let Javik throw him out the airlock," she muttered.

"Doctor, she is awake," Kolyat said.

"I thought she would be soon. Sedatives don't work well on her," the doctor said, coming over to scan her. "I'll keep her until we get to the Broker and then she can go."


	12. Chapter 12

"Liara, the commander is here," Javik said.

Liara looked up from her terminal with a happy smile. She closed the program she'd been working on, leaving it to collect data in the background, and threw her arms around her bondmate. The Prothean scowled but he'd grown accustomed to her ebullient displays of affection and humored her with a patient sigh. "In my cycle, a wife displayed affection for her husband by--"

"We aren't in your cycle," she reminded him with a kiss.

"Yes, well, that has been made very clear, Asari," he grumbled.

She patted his face affectionately. It had once bothered her for him to refer to her by her species rather than her name but it had become a term of endearment. Javik wasn't what she had expected from either the protheans or her future mate but she was blissfully happy. She had been concerned at first that he had not truly cared for her but had chosen her only because she was the only one he knew in this cycle with whom he could reproduce as he felt that relationships without that element were a waste of time that could otherwise be spent fighting something. Some days it was like being married to a krogan. But when she had finally given in and they had melded their minds she had not only been able to feel the depth of his love for her but to watch as the process had happened.

She had seen her own face as the first thing he saw when he awoke in this new cycle, had felt his initial irritation at her unending questions turn to grudging fondness. The day they had argued after the fall of Thessia, she had felt the empathy he'd hidden from her and learned that what she had taken for coldness had been his way of keeping her angry so that she did not succumb to depression. She saw how he'd begun to anticipate her visits and then, in the final push to the beam, how frantic he had been to reach her when she and Garrus had been injured. He had forgotten the fight, forgotten Harbinger at the beam, forgotten the Crucible. That, more than anything, had told her that he truly loved her for she could imagine nothing less that could have caused him to abandon the run in order to get her to the med bay.

He returned the kiss and swept his hand over her gently rounded abdomen. "The first Prothean child born in fifty thousand years. None of my people would have imagined it would be born of an asari. We are creating history, Liara T'Soni."

"I wonder what Shepard is going to say," she said. She hadn't yet told her friend and had been very careful to keep the vid feed of herself from showing the changes to her body.

"You will find out in a moment," he said. "If she is not happy for you, I will toss her out the airlock."

"Javik!"

"That was a joke," he said, sounding like EDI for a moment.

"Liara!" Shepard said. She turned to face her friend and took a picture with her omni-tool as Shepard's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "Dibs on godmother!"

"What?" Liara asked, confused. Human idioms still escaped her at times.

"I'm claiming the role of godmother," Shepard said. "If something happens to you, I adopt the baby."

"If anything happens to her," Javik growled.

"We know," Shepard sighed. "Out the airlock. Holy shit, Liara. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wanted to surprise you," Liara answered as Shepard hugged her carefully. Feron followed and she kissed his cheek before saying hello to Kolyat.

"I am definitely surprised," Shepard said. "Congratulations, Liara, Javik. A Prothean baby. I bet you never imagined that one when you were digging around in your childhood gardens."

"No," Liara conceded, "I didn't."

Shepard brought Tevos in and told her Liara was an agent of the Shadow Broker. The asari councilor's eyes widened but she did not complain. "When you said you were taking me somewhere secure you were not exaggerating," she told Shepard.

"The Broker is a friend of mine," Shepard said. "He'll keep you safe here."

"You are full of surprises, Commander," Tevos said.

Liara had one of the crew accompany the councilor to a room. Feron and Kolyat left to get set up in their rooms and Javik returned to his basins. Then the two longtime friends stood together with their arms linked and Shepard laid her head against Liara's shoulder. "I've missed you," Shepard said.

"And I you. Are you all right? Come, tell me what has happened since we spoke," Liara said, leading her to the room she kept for her friend.

"I don't know that I'll ever get used to having my own cabin in the Shadow Broker's base," Shepard said, sitting down on the bed and tucking her legs under her.

"We lead very strange lives, don't we?" Liara agreed.

"Would you do it again?" Shepard asked seriously. "Or would you tell me to kiss your ass and drop you at the nearest fuel depot?"

"I wouldn't have missed this for anything in the galaxy," Liara said vehemently. "Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. Everything I have is thanks to you."

"There are a lot of people who wouldn't say the same," she said sadly. "Tali, Mordin, Wrex..."

"Stop. You have suffered enough for that."

"It will never be enough. They were my friends and I betrayed them."

"To save the galaxy, Shepard!"

"Which is the same logic the Reapers used! I'd have killed anyone who stood in my way and damned the consequences. I'm no better than they are. Ruthless calculus, that's all it was. I stopped seeing people and started seeing numbers. The quarians pissed me off and wouldn't work together, so I picked the stronger force. The cost of gaining the salarians and the krogan was betrayal, so I paid it and didn't think twice about it. I let your home fall to get that beacon instead of finding another way."

"And what would have happened if you didn't?" Liara asked. "We couldn't win the war without the Crucible. We needed scientists and the geth to build it as quickly as we did. We needed the krogan in order to have the turian fleet to protect it. We needed the beacon to figure out the Catalyst. You can't keep second-guessing yourself, Shepard. You are going to lose your mind if you do."

"Maybe I already have," she said.

"You've always been a little crazy," Liara said with a smile. "But you aren't any more than usual now."

"I don't know. I kissed Feron while sitting in Kolyat's lap. That feels pretty crazy to me."

Liara listened as Shepard recounted the conversation they'd had and how it had felt to wake from surgery with the two of them beside her. "It's clear they both care about you," she said when her friend finished. "What's the problem?"

Shepard shifted and asked, "You don't think it's selfish of me to want to have them both?"

"I think if anyone deserves to indulge in a little selfishness, it's you. As long as you truly care about them, I don't see the problem. You're larger than life, Shepard. You give more, do more, it makes sense that you would need more, too."

"And what about later? Drell mate for life. What happens if they fall in love with me? I may be able to marry them both by their own rules but as far as humanity is concerned, I can only have one of them. I'd have to choose. And what if they decide they want children? I can't give that to them."

"They know that. You're making excuses. Shepard, you deserve to be happy. If they make you happy, then you have my unwavering support."

"I'll think about it," she said.

She did think about it. True to her word, Liara kept the drell busy and gave Shepard time alone to think. They spent time together as well, discussing Javik and the new baby and making plans for the child. Liara consented to allow her to be the baby's godmother though they both knew Shepard's lifespan would be too short in comparison to the asari for it to truly matter. It was the principle that was important.

Liara shared the information she had gathered with Shepard and the others. Kolyat's brow creased as he read over the datapad Liara had given him. "Our suspect has access to the financial system," he said. "These transfers are too well-hidden for someone without inside knowledge. There's a bit here and a bit there but once you get down to it, none of it traces anywhere real."

Feron said, "There's a communication here between a hanar and a drell. It's an assignment. Even with encryption, there's a code. Give me a minute. I've worked for this one before." His eyes went distant for a few moments and then he focused on the datapad again. "'This one humbly requests your assistance with a sensitive matter requiring extreme discretion.' Then it gives the meeting place for the contact and the amount up front and once the job is finished." He looked up. "The meeting is in two days on Kahje and the payoff for the assassin is fifteen million credits. The hanar take twenty-five percent."

"Zaeed said the bounty on Tevos was twenty million," Shepard said.

"We have to get to Kahje," Feron said.

Liara said, "Glyph, calculate the fastest route and ETA to Kahje from our current location."

The VI answered, "Certainly, Dr. T'Soni. It will take forty-six hours and twenty-seven minutes to arrive on Kahje from our current location using the most direct route. Would you like me to transfer the relay clearances to EDI for you? Two are not standard transport relays. Having advance clearance will prevent delays."

"Yes. Thank you, Glyph," Shepard said.

"You are welcome, Commander. It has been a pleasure having you on board."

"I've missed you, Glyph," she said with a smile. She really liked the VI.

"Dr. T'Soni has a gift for you," he said.

Liara jumped up. "Oh, yes! I almost forgot. Go pack your things. I'll have it ready before you leave." She hurried out of the room.

The three of them swiftly packed their belongings and returned to the airlock where the _Normandy_ was docked to the ship. Liara rushed in with a salarian behind her pushing a hover pallet containing crates of food and medigel. Shepard transferred credits to her for the supplies. Liara handed her a sleek black box. When she opened it, there was a chip lying in the center. She slid it into her omni-tool, curious as to what it was. A drone, identical to Glyph, appeared and said, "Hello, Commander Shepard. I am Mantis, your personal VI assistant. How may I help you?" Feron groaned and put his head in his hands.

"Mantis?" she asked with a laugh. "I hated that rifle!"

"You can change the name if you'd like."

"It's fine," Shepard said. "It's perfect. Thank you, Liara!"

"Unlike Glyph, Mantis is a combat model. However, I maintained Glyph's personality and the two are able to interface with each other. He can ask Glyph for anything you need to know from me and the connection is completely secure."

"That is awesome," Shepard said with a grin.

"Shit," Feron said. "I see that evil sparkle in her eyes. She's already planning on teaching it to hack my door and follow me everywhere. Thanks, Liara."

"Happy to be of service," Liara said. "Also, I programmed him with that song I taught you to play."

Shepard hugged Liara and said, "Thank you. Take care of my godchild. I want to be there when she's born."

"Of course. Little Katherine will be just fine," Liara assured her.

"Katherine?" Shepard asked, stunned.

"Katherine Tali T'Soni," Liara said. Asari did not change their names upon marriage. The child took the surname of the mother.

"You're naming her after me?" Shepard asked.

"Of course," Liara said.

"Your name is Katherine?" Feron asked.

"Yes, but I prefer Kate," she answered. "Nobody uses it, though."

"Kate," Kolyat said in a tone that sent a shiver through her. "It suits you."

They finished saying their goodbyes and boarded the ship. Shepard went up to the cockpit to ensure that EDI had received the clearances from Glyph and to introduce them to Mantis. The VI immediately began interacting with EDI via a series of electronic noises. EDI said, "Mantis, it is considered rude to speak around someone in a language they do not understand. I prefer to use organic communication forms when in their presence."

"Understood, EDI."

"I'll leave you two to get to know each other," Shepard said. "Mantis, no interfering with EDI's programming or you'll be confined to my cabin like Glyph."

"Yes, Commander."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to give Shepard a first name for Liara's child but won't be using it in the story. I know it can break immersion to have the "wrong" first name for Shepard and try to avoid it. I really don't like the name Jane, so when I do need one for the sake of a story, I use my default which, actually, isn't my own name. It's just my favorite.
> 
> As far as Javik, it never made sense to me that he wouldn't make it to the beam unless he was dead so my headcanon is that he comes to love Liara and chooses to stay by her side and trust Shepard to finish it. It still doesn't entirely fit with his character but it's as close to a rationalization as I can get for him not being there at the end.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now for the sexy times!

"I'm telling you, Kol, she thinks we're freaks," Feron said, pacing his office. "She barely spoke to us the entire time we were on Liara's ship."

"Relax, Feron," Kolyat said from his position on the bed where he leaned casually against the headboard. Feron needed to get more furniture. There was nowhere to sit but the single chair in front of the terminal. "She doesn't think we're freaks. We gave her a lot to think about. This may be normal for us but it isn't for her."

Feron ran a hand over his brow. "I know. That's why I'm worried." He pulled his hand back. "Fuck. I'm shedding."

"It's not like she hasn't seen it before," Kolyat pointed out.

"At least she stopped referring to it as glitter," Feron said.

"To your face," Kolyat said with a snort, remembering the first time she'd seen one of them shed.

 

_"Why is there glitter all over my apartment?" Shepard demanded, walking in the door with a box under her arm._

_"Glitter?" Kolyat asked, confused. He looked around and noticed Feron's rainbow scales embedded in the carpet. When the light hit them the right way, they sparkled. "Shit. Uh...so...we, uh, shed. Scales. You never saw Dad do it?"_

_"No," she said, drawing the word out._

_Damn. He hadn't expected awkward inter-species moments like this since she'd lived on a ship with a drell for almost a year. She didn't seem like the type to be bothered about it but he couldn't be sure. The first human he'd dated had broken it off with him, saying it was too weird. He really hoped Shepard didn't freak out. He heard a sound and looked over at her. Her shoulders were shaking and her eyes sparkled. He thought she was crying until she threw her head back and laughed so hard she almost dropped her package. He stood where he was feeling as if he'd been caught in a stasis field. It was the first time he'd heard her laugh in...well, ever._

_"Big, bad, rogue Feron is leaving a trail of rainbow glitter everywhere he goes. I have to see this!" she said. "How often does this happen? This is great."_

_He rubbed the back of his neck, a habit he'd picked up from Bailey. "Um, every few months."_

_"That explains why your dad would lock himself up in his room for days and tell me he was meditating. It wouldn't have been good for his image for the master assassin to be leaving emerald sparkles all over the ship." She shook her head and placed the box on the counter._

_"I'll clean it up," he said._

_She waved a hand. "The cleaning mech will run in an hour. Don't worry about it." She followed the trail upstairs and knocked on Feron's door. Kolyat followed to watch._

_"What do you want?" Feron asked, coming to the door in a pair of baggy pants and nothing else. "Oh, shit! Shepard! Hey. Sorry about the..."_

_"Glitter?" she snorted, running a slender finger down his arm and looking at it._

_Feron groaned and lightly banged his forehead against the doorway. "Come on, Shep. Glitter? Really?"_

_"You're sparkling, Feron. It's pretty."_

_"Oh, gods. Rub it in, Shepard." He glared at Kolyat who was laughing at his friend's discomfort. "Laugh it up, Kol. We'll see how funny you think it is when it's your turn."_

_"Shit," he muttered._

"I still can't believe she called me pretty," Feron grumbled as he removed his jacket and his shirt. "I'm going to go scrub."

Kolyat laughed and picked up the datapad Feron had left beside the bed. He opened it, hoping it wasn't porn. Instead, he found articles. Polyandry in Ancient Human Culture, 36 Signs A Human Is Into You, Drell/Human Relationships: A Complete Guide. Poor Feron. He had it bad. At least Shepard had expressed her interest in Kolyat. That may have changed but he doubted it. He'd caught her eyes roving over him more than once since their talk. She'd looked at Feron the same way.

The door opened and she walked in, holding her own datapad. Her fingers danced over it for a moment and she said, "Feron, I need--" She looked up and stopped. "Oh. You aren't Feron." She took in the sight of him stretched out on the bed in the sweatpants she'd gotten them a few months before and Feron's jacket and shirt tossed over the back of the chair. Her cheeks flushed. "I, uh, didn't interrupt anything, did I?"

"No," he said, putting the datapad aside. "Feron is in the shower if you're looking for him."

She blushed harder. "Good. Glad to see my timing is still good. I should, uh, go."

He leapt off of the bed and caught her wrist before she reached the door. He tugged lightly and she turned, coming up against him. Her hand landed on his shoulder. "It's not like that," he said. "We were talking. Feron went to scrub down because he's shedding. We aren't doing anything...together unless you say it's all right. If not, it's not a big deal."

She blinked up at him and her tongue darted out to lick her lips. "No. It's fine. You guys, uh, do your thing. I don't want to take anything away from you. If we're going to do this, I'd feel a bit selfish making you give up something that came before me."

"So you are still thinking about it," he said, sliding his arms around her waist.

She nodded and he felt her fingers tracing the dark markings that ran across his chest. His eyes drifted closed as she caressed him but popped open when he felt her tongue follow the path of her fingers. "You have the most fantastic body," she said, nipping lightly at his chest. Her fingers trailed down his abs to rest at his waist. His hands flexed but he held himself still, unwilling to break the moment as her mouth continued to follow. She nuzzled her face against his flat belly and he wondered if he was dreaming. Her tongue drew a line from his navel to the low-slung waist of his pants and he hissed in a breath as her teeth grazed his hipbone.

"Gods, Shepard," he breathed as his fingers clenched in her hair. This couldn't be real. Commander Shepard was on her knees in front of him, licking his body like he was a piece of candy. Memory surfaced and he said, "You can't do that. You'll start hallucinating."

"I don't care," she said, drawing her tongue up his body. "You taste amazing. Like...cloves." She stood and pulled him to her. Their mouths met and their tongues danced. Her hands kept gliding up and down his body and finally landed at his waistband again. His heart pounded in anticipation. She began to walk forward pushing him back until he met the bed and they went down in a tangle of limbs. Still her mouth did not leave his.

He slid his hands under her shirt, feeling the marred satin of her skin under his fingertips. He traced the line of her spine until he encountered her bra. With a quick flip, he unfastened it and she said, "Are bras a drell thing, too, or have you just been with that many humans?"

"I would prefer not to answer that," he said, pulling her shirt over her head. "Gods, you're beautiful."

She cocked an eyebrow at him and said, "Drell standards are very different from human standards."

"Why?" he asked. "Because of your scars?" She nodded and he looked at her critically. It wasn't the first time he'd seen her torso since she'd healed but it was the first time he'd allowed himself to fully look. He had seen her arms and legs many times, though, and he could admit that her body was a patchwork of scar tissue. Faded silver lines crisscrossed her, showing where Cerberus had pieced her back together. Rounded marks told of bullets taken. One line across her abdomen looked like a laser burn and when he traced it, she said, "Praetorian. Collector ship. Cut right through my shields and armor. Thane got a barrier up around me before it could go much deeper than skin."

"And these?" he asked, touching the bullet wounds.

"I couldn't even begin to remember. I get shot a lot. There are more on my back. Most of those are from the run from the Collector base. We didn't have time to fight back, so I pushed Jack and Thane ahead."

"And these," he said, drawing a finger over the wide, puckered scars and the shiny patches of skin, "are burns from Harbinger and the Crucible."

"Yeah," she said.

"Shepard, every single one of these tells a story, a story of something you survived that, by all rights, you shouldn't have." He rolled them over and leaned down to trail his lips across them. Punctuating each word with a kiss to one of her marks, he said, "You...are...beautiful. A warrior..." He looked into her eyes and said, "Do not be ashamed of your battle scars."

She sighed his name and he continued to kiss his way across her body, cupping her breasts in his hands and licking her as she did him. Her hands grasped his shoulders and she gasped when he licked along the edge of her pants. Moving up, he covered her nipple, pressing it against the roof of his mouth. He felt her nails dig into his skin and he rolled them again so that she was straddling him. She rocked her hips against him and he fumbled with the button at her waistband. He needed her. Now. She popped it open and leaned forward to trail that smooth tongue over his neck. His hands slid into the waistband of her pants, cupping her tight ass and kneading it with his fingers. He felt her own hands tugging at the drawstring of his sweats.

"Damn it, Kol, really? In my bed?" Feron asked.

Shepard jumped and he heard her hiss a curse as she buried her face in his neck. He stroked her back soothingly. "It's all right," he told her and glared at Feron.

Feron came over to the side of the bed and reached a hand out to hesitantly stroke her back. When she didn't move away, he sat down beside them. "It's okay, Shep. I was just surprised. And, uh, I was kind of hoping to have the first time in my bed. If you agreed, of course." He leaned down and pressed his lips to her shoulder. She turned her head and looked at him through the curtain of hair that had fallen to cover her face. He tucked it behind her ear. Her cheeks blazed with color.

"Sorry," she said. "I, um, got a bit carried away."

"Seriously," he said, "it's fine."

She reached out a hand and ran it across his chest. "You're glittering again," she said with a smile. "Turn around." He complied. His eyes drifted closed and he hummed in pleasure as she scratched his back, ignoring the rainbow scales that fell. "You never get your entire back by yourself."

"Kol usually, uh...helps," he said lamely. _Damn it, Feron! When are you going to learn to keep your mouth shut?_ he asked himself. She was going to freak.

She didn't, though. She just kept scratching. He'd never known a back scratch could feel so erotic and so comforting at the same time. That was part of what he loved about her. She just accepted people the way they were. She didn't get freaked out by cultural differences or things that differed between species. Turians couldn't eat levo food. She learned to cook dextro food. Quarians could die from a suit rupture. She carried spare seals in a decon bag. Javik got overwhelmed sometimes by touch. She brought sterilized water for his hands. Drell shed and it itched. She scratched.

"I've been an idiot," he said. "I keep waiting for you to freak out on us but you aren't like that. You don't get upset by our differences. You accept them and bend to accommodate."

"Mmm, it's less a matter of bending and more a matter of widening my scope to include others," she said thoughtfully. "I'm not so arrogant as to assume that the human way is the only or the best or even the right way. I've seen too much to think that there aren't things that could or should be done differently."

Her touch grew lighter until she was rubbing his back rather than scratching it and she tugged on his side until he leaned back and rolled to face her. Kolyat was still rubbing her back with one hand and had his other on her ass. One of her arms was around Kol's neck and the other reached out to slide her fingers into Feron's hand. He kissed her knuckles.

She said, "So...drell culture is different. We know we work well together. We know we enjoy spending time together. We live well together. I think of either of you finding someone and leaving and it makes me sick. The only thing we don't have so far is the physical aspect. I want both of you and you both want me. Why should we have to choose? Honestly, it would probably solve a lot of problems if people didn't have to pick between people they cared about because of some arbitrary custom that says it should only be two."

"You're going to try it?" he asked, hoping he'd understood her right.

"Sure. Why the hell not, right? It'll probably be an adjustment and I'll probably feel guilty if, you know, one of you walks in on me with the other again but I'll get used to it."

Feron shrugged, his confidence returned now that she'd agreed to it. "Honestly, I thought it was kind of hot."

"I liked it when you kissed him in my lap," Kolyat admitted. "I think we both enjoy it when we're included. It doesn't have to be all of the time. I'm sure we'll both want one-on-one time with you at times. We can work up to it if you need but if it's all right with you, I think we'd prefer it if we both felt like we didn't need to turn away if we see you with the other."

It made sense, Shepard thought, and would probably help stave off any jealousy. She knew they said they wouldn't get jealous but she couldn't imagine it never happening. It would also make her feel less like she was doing something wrong and hiding it from one of them. If she constantly felt she was taking something from one when being with the other or had to hold back with them when they were both around it would make things very uncomfortable.

When Feron had walked in, she'd been embarrassed and felt like they'd been caught doing something wrong. She didn't want to feel that way again. She'd liked it when he'd come over to them, liked being able to reach out and touch him without Kolyat getting upset. And, if she were honest, she really liked feeling that extra set of hands on her body. It felt a bit...deviant...but she'd never been one to follow the rules anyway.

"All right," she said.

"Good," Feron said and rolled closer to kiss her. She felt Kolyat's mouth on her neck and his hand slid back down to join the other on her ass. No...that was Feron. Holy shit, that was intoxicating. She ran her hand down his chest, feeling the iridescent scales slip smoothly away under her fingers. She was going to be covered in rainbows. He groaned and she pulled him against her.

Kolyat drew her pants away and she tugged again at his drawstring. She wanted him...them...now. Their touch was driving her wild. Feron reached between them and did something and the knot fell away. She knelt back to draw the fabric down over his slim hips and long legs. He was the beautiful one. His turquoise skin shone and the black stripes running down his body accentuated the color. His body was toned without an ounce of fat. And he had ridges. She knew she was staring but she couldn't help it. He was long and thicker than she'd expected. And he had ridges. And swirls of that gorgeous black and turquoise.

"Holy mother of god," she breathed.

His mouth quirked up in a smirk that was inherently male. "Hmm. I think she likes it. You should see what she thinks of rainbows, Feron."

Yes. She definitely wanted to see what she thought of rainbows. She tugged Feron to her and he kissed her again as her hands drifted over him to glide along his waistband. He sucked in a breath and groaned. She felt his hand fist in her hair and he tilted his head and swept his tongue against hers. Kolyat's hands ran up her thighs and she cried out as she felt his thumbs brush against her center. "You're overdressed," she murmured to Feron and then clung to his shoulders breathing heavily as Kolyat's finger slid against her.

Feron tugged his pants off and she said, "I had no idea I was living with the two most perfect male specimens in the galaxy." He was just as beautiful as Kolyat, though different. He was more broad and heavily muscled. His jewel-tones continued over his body with his stripes in a violet so dark it was almost black. The colors came together to swirl around his cock like watercolors. She trailed a finger over the mixing colors and his hips jerked. Kolyat's finger slipped into her. "Oh, fuck me," she hissed out.

"We plan to," Feron growled low into her ear and heat exploded inside of her. She shuddered with desire and he moved behind her to lick his way up her spine. She didn't know how he knew that made her wild but her nails dug into Kolyat's chest. Kolyat pulled her down to him and kissed her hard and she slid her hands down his abdomen again and wrapped her hand around him. He hissed and bucked against her.

"Gods, Shepard," he said as she ran her thumb across the head of him.

Feron covered her with his body and she felt his teeth close over her shoulder as his hands reached around to cup her breasts and scrape his thumbs across her nipples. "Shit, Kol," he said. "Trade places with me. I can't...I don't think she wants 'glitter' there."

Kolyat slid out from under her and was replaced by Feron. "You just want to kiss her," Kolyat said with a laugh.

"Hell, yeah. That mouth..." He stopped as she straddled him and leaned down to kiss him. He grabbed her hips as her hand wrapped around him and stroked.

She felt Kolyat at her back and his mouth ran over her neck. He pressed against her and murmured, "Is this okay?" In response, she pushed back against him and cried out into Feron's mouth as Kolyat slid slowly into her, pressing each of those delicious ridges into her in turn. "Oh, dear goddess of oceans," Kol gasped. Feron's hands came back to her breasts and she felt his hips rocking as she stroked him in time with Kolyat's strokes inside her. Kolyat grasped her hips and pulled her into him harder and she felt his forehead drop between her shoulder blades and his warm breath bathe her spine. Feron's mouth was hard and demanding against hers.

Together, they drove her higher until her cries and their groans echoed off the metal walls. Kolyat's pace sped and he pushed into her harder and deeper as Feron thrust into her hand. Four hands roamed her body, touching her everywhere, and she tore her mouth from Feron's to bury her face against his throat as her body tightened and color exploded behind her eyes. "Oh, gods, Kolyat, Feron, Kolyat!" she cried as her orgasm slammed through her and she convulsed around him.

"That's it, Shep," Feron murmured into her hair, "let go, baby." She felt his body spasm below her and his breath exploded on a groan as he pulsed in her hand. "Oh, fuck, Shepard!"

Kolyat's teeth closed over her shoulder and he continued to slam into her, driving her up again. She brought a hand up and wrapped it around his neck, turning her head so that she could kiss him. His arms wrapped around her to hold her up against him and Feron's fingers slid against her, circling and stroking the place where she and Kolyat joined. Kolyat's arms tightened and he pulled her hard against him, burying himself to the hilt in her and she convulsed around him as he pulsed his release into her.

They collapsed forward, trembling and breathing hard, and Feron's arms came up to wrap around them both. She laid her head on his shoulder and kept her hand on the back of Kolyat's neck. She opened her eyes to see Kolyat's hand tucked between her breasts with his palm flat on Feron's chest. She decided she liked their comfort with each other. She also liked the way it felt to be surrounded by the two of them. It was warm and relaxing and exhaustion swept over her. Her eyes drooped and she realized that, for the first time in a long time, she felt completely safe.

Feron pressed a kiss to her forehead and Kolyat pulled the blanket up to cover them before laying his head on the back of her shoulder. His lips nuzzled her and he sighed contentedly, happier than he could remember being in a long time. He felt Shepard relax completely and her breathing change. He hummed a curious note and Feron said quietly, "She's asleep."

"Good," Kolyat said. "Hopefully she will stay that way. She needs rest." He knew she slept better on the _Normandy_ than she did anywhere else but he still woke to notifications from EDI that she was having nightmares since he was the closest to the elevator. When it happened, the AI had the lift waiting and her cabin door unlocked so that he could rouse her from her dreams. He hoped that now at least one of them would be allowed to sleep with her and keep her from going into them at all.

___ 

Shepard woke, warm and refreshed, to the beep that signified the beginning of the day cycle. She'd slept the entire night without waking a single time. She'd turned in the night and her head was now pillowed on Kolyat's shoulder. His breath stirred her hair. Looking down, she saw that one of his legs had fallen off the side of the bed and chuckled. Kolyat liked to sprawl. Behind her, Feron was wrapped around her and she felt him nuzzle the back of her neck. "Morning, beautiful," he murmured.

She reached back to stroke the leg he'd thrown over her and felt him harden against her. She gasped and rocked against him. His hand tightened on her hip. She felt his breathing quicken and he groaned against her back, "Shep, I can't. I'll get...you know...glitter...in you."

"It'll wash," she said.

He groaned again and slid slowly into her, letting her feel each individual ridge as he entered and then slowly withdrew. "Gods, Shep, you feel amazing." She was hot and soft and the mewling noises she made were driving him insane. Last night had been great. This, though, was something else. He'd dreamed of this, of taking her in his bed, of making her his. She matched his slow pace and he trailed kisses along her neck and shoulder while tracing the ridges of her spine the way he'd noticed she liked. She clenched around him and it was all he could do to continue drawing this out.

Kolyat woke and began to kiss her softly and thoroughly. Feron reached out and pulled his leg up against her hip and felt Kol rubbing against her. She murmured something to him and he slid up to sit against the headboard. Feron watched, continuing his slow pace inside her, as she kissed and licked her way down his abdomen. Feron moved them to give her a better angle and fondled her full breasts as he saw her tongue dart out and lick its way up his shaft. Kol's hands slid into her hair and his head fell back as she took him into her mouth.

Watching her suck his friend as he took her from behind aroused him even more. She was clearly enjoying it if the sounds she was making were any indication and Kol was liking it as well judging by the look of bliss on his face. He'd enjoyed watching Kol with her. Kolyat was always so controlled that it was nice to see him finally let go and give himself over. He enjoyed seeing Kol's dick slide in and out of her mouth. But then, they'd both always had a streak of voyeurism to them.

He increased his pace and she did the same with Kol, who groaned. Feron felt a tug on his wrist and let her guide his hand. His eyes widened in surprise when he felt her wrap it around Kol under her mouth. Kol grinned before his head fell back again as they started to move. No woman had ever done that before and he discovered that it was incredibly erotic to feel her mouth against his hand as they pleasured another.

He kissed the back of her neck in thanks for accepting them and she rolled her hips, taking him in deeper than before. He felt her clench around him and drove into her harder until she was shaking and gripping the sheets so hard her knuckles were white. He twisted his hand the way he knew Kol liked. Kol pulled out of her mouth in a swift motion and Feron finished him with his hand. Kolyat slid back down and kissed her as Feron pounded into her and she cried out his name this time. Her convulsions sent him over the edge and he released into her.

When they had recovered, Feron rolled onto his side and looked down at Shepard who had curled up on Kolyat. Her back was a multi-colored array of iridescent scales and he laughed softly. "It really does look like glitter," he admitted. "And you look like you've been rolling around in it."

"Mmm. I have," she said in a purring tone.

He leaned down and kissed her shoulder. "Does that mean you liked it?"

"This morning, last night, best I've ever had," she said.

"The best, huh?" he asked as Kolyat hummed happily.

"Yep. And the best part is that we still have almost twenty-four hours to fill until we get to Kahje," she said with a yawn. "But I think tonight we'll sleep in my cabin. Your bed's too small. Poor Kolyat was falling off the edge."

"I'm afraid I have a tendency to spread out when I sleep," Kolyat said with a sheepish grin.

Shepard snuggled closer to him and his hand trailed lightly over her back. She didn't want to move from this spot. Desire had been sated, leaving behind a warm comfort and tenderness and the urge to simply be closer to these two men that she cared so deeply about. To her surprise, there was no shame over what they'd done. She would never have considered it with anyone else, had never done this with anyone else. She'd had sex, of course, but never like this. She kissed his neck and brushed her thumb over Feron's knee. Happiness crept in like an uncertain guest.


	14. Chapter 14

Travel days did not necessarily mean free days. Reconstruction was still ongoing in most places and there was a constant demand for more supplies. She didn't have time to stop and collect resources but she did ask EDI to scan for them and mark their location. She also had to ensure their passage through the relays went smoothly and to do her rounds of the crew. She had handpicked all of them this time. Some were old friends like Gabby, Ken, and Cortez but many others were new and she wanted to get to know the people serving under her.

Gardner had elected to stay and he had a tray waiting for her for the midday meal. She'd continued her tradition of taking most of her meals in the mess hall. Keeping herself separate from her crew had never been her MO and she felt that her closeness with everyone from the pilot to the janitor was part of her strength. Knowing that everyone serving with her would willingly follow her into hell increased their chances of getting back out again.

"I don't know that I'll ever get used to having lunch with a Spectre," Johnson, one of the engineers said as he slipped into a seat across from her.

Gabby said, "You just need to get to know her. The Commander would do anything for her crew. When the Collectors attacked, she dropped everything to come into that hellhole for us and get us back. And we all knew she would. That was the only thing that made the whole experience bearable. We knew she wouldn't leave us behind."

"Why do you always have to talk about it, Gabby?" Ken asked in his thick brogue. "Nothing against you, Commander. I just don't like to think about it."

"And that's why I handle it better than you. Pretending it didn't happen just gives it power," she said.

"You sound like my shrink," he muttered.

"Good. Maybe you should listen to him," Gabby parried.

Wraze, a brood brother to Wrex and Wreav, sat heavily at the end of the table. She'd been surprised and a bit wary when he'd asked to join her crew but both Wreav and Grunt had recommended him. When she'd asked him why he wanted to come aboard, given what she'd done, he'd said, "Wrex was a fool. A wise man does not make demands of Commander Shepard. You're a battlemaster, not a puppet. If he'd had half a brain, he would have realized you had a plan. You said you'd cure the genophage and you did. You just didn't do it on his schedule. He picked a fight. He lost."

She's asked, "Okay, but don't you want to focus on breeding?"

He'd replied, "I have a thousand-year lifespan. You have, what, a century left? I can afford to wait a few years. I'd rather fight and you get the best ones."

It had been good enough for her. Wreav had exceeded all of their expectations and turned into a good leader. She'd petitioned the Council to allow them colony rights on a new planet and many of the krogan had left Tuchanka. Some, however, had stayed behind to rebuild under Bakarah's leadership. Bakarah had become the krogan ambassador and was hopeful that her people would regain their Council seat within her lifetime. Valern wasn't budging on it yet but he was old by Salarian standards and they were hopeful that the next councilor would be more reasonable. Shepard was hoping it would be Kirrahe.

Wraze said, "Got a message from Grunt last night. He wants to come back. Said he's bored and sick of looking at kids."

"Tell him he can meet us on Kahje or on the Citadel afterward," she said without hesitation. It would be good to have her krogan son back. The kids weren't his but the clan children loved him, probably because in many ways he was still a child himself. He didn't reciprocate their fondness.

More of the crew joined them. They were primarily human, turian, and krogan. There was an asari maiden named Ka'ira who reminded her of Samara's tales of her own maiden days. Ka'ira led the mining team. Their resident scientist was Mordin’s favorite nephew, Lindon. There was also a geth prime who called himself Optimus after an old human kids' show he'd found on the extranet. It was something about sentient robots who turned into ancient Earth vehicles. She'd watched an episode of it with him once and could see why it appealed to him, though it wasn't something that particularly interested her.

Feron came out of his office as she was finishing her lunch and told her he had a message from Liara. She followed him in and he glared at Mantis as she stepped up to the terminal. Liara was waiting. "Shepard, I have some information for you. According to my sources within the other mercenary groups, the offer of a bounty on the other Councilors was made only to the Blue Suns. I believe it was simply a ploy to make things more confusing as everyone knows that Zaeed is one of your allies and unlikely to actually accept it. I think the purpose was to pull focus off of Tevos. I still believe that she is the primary target. If so, narrowing the motive will bring us closer to learning the identity of the person behind this. If we can figure out why, we can figure out who."

"Good work, Liara," she said. "Has Tevos come up with any more ideas of who might want to get rid of her?"

Liara answered, "She believes there may be an association with our government given that the guards assigned to her tried to kill all of you when you came to retrieve her. However, that does not mean that the government itself is behind it. It would take only a single person at a high enough level being compromised to have arranged that. Again, it comes back to money."

"Keep talking to her. See if she'll let you or Javik do your thing. Maybe one of you can pick up something she's missing."

"I doubt she will be willing to allow agents of the Shadow Broker access to her memories," Liara said, "but it is worth a try."

"I appreciate your help on this, Liara," she said.

"You are welcome, Shepard.”

___

Kolyat was more familiar with Kahje than even Feron as he'd lived there for most of his life so Shepard let him arrange transport to the coordinates in the intercepted message. They arrived with just enough time to scout out the area and for her to set them up in the area to await the hanar and his contact. They didn't have to be close enough to hear the conversation, just close enough to see as both of the drell had altered their eyesight to be able to pick up on the bio-luminescence with which the hanar preferred to communicate. If it chose to speak instead, Kolyat was prepared to move closer. Their goal now was reconnaissance. She wanted to confirm that Tevos was the target and would move in once they had in order to interrogate the hanar as to the identity of the person who'd ordered the hit.

She spotted the assassin first. The pale green drell wasn't as good as Thane. She'd spent a year fighting alongside the best assassin in the galaxy and he'd taught her some things. He scouted the area but didn't make his search radius wide enough. Careless, Thane would have said. Cocky, undeservedly so. His movements were stiff with none of the graceful fluidity of Feron or the Krios men. There was something about his posture and the way he looked around the area that was familiar to her.

"How old is he?" she asked into the comm, knowing she wasn't the only one who'd seen him.

Kolyat said, "Late teens," and

Feron agreed. "Shep, this doesn't make sense. We start young, sure, but they wouldn't tap someone like this for something this high-profile."

"Decoy," she said as the hairs on the nape of her neck stirred. She was rolling and lashing out with her foot before the word finished leaving her mouth. A bullet slapped into the concrete where her head had been. Her foot caught an ankle and she tugged as a blue wave slammed against the golden drell, throwing him back. She cloaked and moved, circling the assassin.

"Very good, Commander," he said approvingly, coming to his feet in a predatory crouch.

He knew who she was. She didn't let that stop her from attempting to flank him with the intention of putting her omni-blade to his throat. She tried to move soundlessly the way Thane had taught her but that sense that had prevented her from sneaking up on Thane while allowing him to do it to her on a regular basis alerted him and he spun. She released a plasma ball that he dodged swiftly as her boots left the ground. He lifted her biotically and held her out over the edge of the building.

"It seems we are at an impasse here," he said smoothly. "Your sniper does not have a clear shot from his position and my student has the area around him covered so that he cannot move. However, if I drop you, then I will lose my shield. If your biotic hits me, I will drop you and his amp will not recover in time to allow him to catch you. Why are you here, Commander Shepard?"

"Information," she said calmly. "Why is Councilor Tevos being targeted?"

"I do not ask my employers why they are sending me after the target," he said.

"That's why I'm not here for you," she said conversationally. "You're good, but I've seen better."

"Oh?" he asked. His voice was only mildly curious but she'd rankled his pride.

"You missed one vital detail," she said. "Take the shot, Kolyat." She was falling before she finished her sentence and the report of Kolyat's rifle registered in her ears. Another blue field surrounded her and she stopped abruptly before lowering slowly to the ground. "I have _two_ snipers," she said with a grin as she heard Feron's own rifle fire. She didn't have to look to know that the pale green drell had gone down.

"You okay, Shep?" Feron asked.

"I'm fine. Let's find this hanar," she said as she drew her pistol and jogged around the side of the building. She doubted there was a third sniper up above but the composition of her own team wouldn't let her dismiss the possibility and she wanted to get to cover. "Move in. We'll have to detain him."

"Moving in," Kolyat confirmed and Feron echoed him.

She used cover where she could and her cloak where she couldn't and moved deeper into the maze of abandoned warehouses. The dome over this section had been badly damaged and, rather than repair it, the drell had moved their operations to a newer area. Kolyat had told her no one used it anymore which was why it was a perfect spot for a clandestine meeting. It was also convenient for their own movements.

"Target in sight," Kolyat whispered. "Lone male hanar, appears unarmed."

"Put him in stasis. Rendezvous in three minutes," she said, wondering what he meant about the hanar appearing to be unarmed. They didn't exactly wear clothing that could hide a weapon. She wondered how they carried anything without it being seen. Even a credit chit had to go somewhere.

When she arrived, Kolyat had the hanar in stasis and Feron was questioning him. She rocked back on her heel and crossed her arms at the hanar politely declined to give him any useful information. She couldn't stand the big, stupid jellyfish and had saved Kahje only because it was the adopted homeworld of Thane's people. This one's arrogant attitude reminded her of Blasto and only served to further irritate her further as she remembered the debacle with Javik.

"You do realize that you and all of your people would be Reaper jelly by now if I hadn't intervened and saved Kahje, right?" she finally asked, ignoring Feron's snort. "I'm going to give you one more chance to answer our questions and then I'll just salt your ass and be done with it."

"This one does not know the identity of the identity of his contact, Commander Shepard," it said aloud. "This one was contacted anonymously with the assignment and verification of credit availability."

"Was there anything unique about the contact?" she asked.

"Only that this one was unable to bypass the contact's encryption," he answered. "Anonymity is not uncommon; however, the Enkindlers have seen fit to bless this one with some small amount of talent in decryption and, in the past, this one has proven capable of bypassing almost all security measures to determine the identity of one offering a contract. This contract was different, thus this one's choice of Sere Nuava. Since Sere Krios' return to the sea, Sere Nuava was possessed of the greatest skill among the drell and this one was confident in his ability to manage a potentially dangerous contact."

"You will forward all of the information to me within one solar hour or I'll be back," she said in a threatening tone. "Let him go, Kolyat."

"Well, that was a waste," Feron said as they walked through the dilapidated streets.

"Not exactly," Kolyat disagreed. "The hanar will have to find someone else to take the contract so we have caused a delay and, perhaps, the information the hanar forwards will prove useful."

Feron mused, "I am surprised he wasn't able to crack the security. That one was understating his skill. He's never given me an anonymous contract before even when the contact thought it was. Almost like whoever it is was familiar with his system..."

That caught her attention. "Who would know that?"

"Whoever sold it to him, a few of his more trusted drell, a few other hanar, the developer of the system," Feron said. "I'll go back to the ship and see what I can find."

"Shepard," Kolyat said, "have you ever seen the Encompassing?"

"I haven't," she said. "Your father told me about it but I've never been here before."

"Would you like to? I would like to go pray for my parents." He shifted nervously and said, "I would also like to pay a visit to my family. It would mean a lot if you would join me."

"You want me to meet your family?" she asked, surprised. Thane had mentioned leaving Kolyat in the care of aunts and uncles but had not otherwise spoken of his family.

"I do," he said.

"Kolyat, this is...with humans, meeting the family is kind of a big deal." It wasn't that she didn't want to meet them. She was just, she realized, nervous. Conversing with a rachni? No big deal. Going where no one has gone before and infiltrating a base of twisted alien bugs that used to be Prothean? Piece of cake. Hosting a multi-species war summit, brokering treaties between races at war for hundreds or thousands of years, taking down a Reaper with a thresher maw, winning a war that had been lost by organics for untold millennia? Just another day in the life. The idea of meeting his family scared the shit out of her and it didn't help when he confirmed that it was a big deal among drell as well.

"You don't have to," he said, seeing her unease.

"No, I'll go," she said. "I'm Commander Fucking Shepard. I saved the galaxy. I can handle meeting my, uh, one of my, um, boyfriends' family. Gods, that word sounds so juvenile."

He smiled and slipped his arms around her waist. "I think I like being called your boyfriend," he said and dipped his head to place his lips on hers. Her arms twined around his neck as her heart thumped and butterflies darted around in her belly.

"'Commander Fucking Shepard' is our girlfriend," Feron said warmly, hugging her from behind. "How many guys get to say that?"

"Um, two, apparently," she said with a laugh.

"The Krios family is really nice, Shep," Feron said. "I met them once. You have nothing to worry about. You make Kol happy. How could they not love you?"

His words made the fluttering of the butterflies become a storm as warmth flowed through her. "I make you happy, huh?" she asked Kolyat, brushing her lips against his again.

"Very," he confirmed.

"Okay," she said. "I'll meet your family. Thane hasn't risen from the sea yet to snap my neck for sullying his son. How bad can it be?"


	15. Chapter 15

How bad can it be? Famous last words, she mused. It wasn't that the Krios family wasn't welcoming. They were. It wasn't that she didn't like them. She did. She just had no experience with regular families. The only family she'd ever had had been on the _Normandy_. They all knew her. She didn't have to worry about impressing them. With Kolyat's family, however, she didn't think her prowess in battle was going to be sufficient to do so. They respected what she'd done, of course, and appreciated it but they weren't meeting Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy. They were meeting Shepard, Kolyat's girlfriend, and they cared far more about what she was to him than what she was to the galaxy.

The Encompassing had been everything Thane had described and more. It reminded her a bit of the ocean she'd gone into to find Leviathan without all of the marauders and brutes and the ship platform rocking beneath her as though conspiring with the Reapers to throw off her aim. Standing under the warm rain beside Kolyat with the thundering power of the seemingly endless ocean at her feet, she could almost imagine that she could hear her old friend's voice.

Kolyat began to speak softly. "Her body wrapped in sea vines, weighted down with stones. They are taking her. I try to pull away, to follow her. 'Mother!' The hanar lift her, taking her from me. I beg, 'Don't take her! Please don't take her away. Mother!' Her body slides into the water. My fist slams into the stranger that is my father with childish fury. 'Don't let them! Stop them! Why weren't you there?' Warm rain mingles with my tears as her body joins the sea."

Shepard slipped her hand into his, loosening fingers that had balled into a fist, and he gripped them tightly. "I'm sorry, Kolyat."

"It is I who am sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to..."

"Sweetheart, I haven't lived around you, Feron, and Thane for as long as I have without becoming accustomed to it." She stepped forward as a flicker of light caught her eye and a sound like bells began to rise from the waves. Her breath caught as she realized what she was seeing. "Holy shit, Thane. They are beautiful," she breathed as the hanar danced and sang through the water in front of her.

"They are thanking you," Kolyat said.

"Your dad described it to me once but even that didn't do it justice."

They had sat on the beach then with her back to Kolyat's chest and his arms and legs bracketing her as they'd watched the dance of the hanar. In the Encompassing, they weren't big, stupid jellyfish. They were flightless birds made of silver and sunlight. The roar of the waves provided a bass line to their song and the warm rain felt like tears against her face. Thane's voice whispered in her ear. _You have done well, Shepard. It is good to see you here with my son whom you helped to save. As Irikah was my Siha, you are his. Arashu has blessed him as she did me. I know you will guide him as you did me and keep each other safe._

She missed him. Thane had been one of her closest companions and dearest friends. As she'd told Kolyat, he'd been a friend to her when she had been in a very dark place. He and Garrus had guarded her back and she didn't know if she would have survived the fight against the proto-Reaper without him there to drive back the Collectors so that she could focus on destroying the abomination. He'd almost always made himself available to her for counsel or company and they'd bared their souls to each other. She'd told him things about herself that only Garrus and Liara had ever been privy to and he had shared himself as well. He was one of the greatest men she'd ever known and his death had left a hole inside of her that was only overshadowed by the loss of Tali.

She felt no shame in allowing herself to share her grief for her friend with Kolyat. It was a pain they'd shared since that fateful day when the assassin had chosen to give his life for a stranger. Thane had entrusted his son to her and she wondered suddenly if he'd known even then what they would become to each other. She'd taken it upon herself to ensure that Kolyat did not become disconnected again and that he continued the work he'd started on himself after they'd prevented him from completing the hit on Talid. After Thane had breathed his last, she'd waited while Kolyat made arrangements for his father's transfer to Kahje and had quietly used her influence to ensure a quick transit. Then she'd taken him to Purgatory and the two of them had gotten roaring drunk while she told Kolyat stories about his father during their mission and he told her of their time together while she'd been locked away.

 _He loved you, you know_ , he'd said eventually. _The way he talked about you...I've only ever heard him speak of my mother in the same way._ But yet, when his end had come, he'd gestured for Kolyat to stand by her side in his customary place to her right. She wondered if that had been deliberate. She thought now that, perhaps, it was. Her fingers entwined again with Kolyat's, fitting together even with the difference in their hands, and she looked down at his turquoise scales shimmering against her pale skin.

After a time, they'd risen and he'd led her to the domed city where his family resided. City was perhaps too broad of a word to describe it. It was more like a self-sustaining neighborhood on Earth. There were shops and terraced gardens where fruits and vegetables of types she'd never seen grew but the majority of the area was populated by modest but beautiful homes. The thing that struck her most was the color of everything. Pastels, jewel-tones, earth tones all blended seamlessly into each other to create a veritable rainbow over the streets and houses.

The roads were a mosaic of colored stones in lapis lazuli that made her feel as though she were walking on water. The mosaic carried onto the rounded sandstone dwellings and came together in various shades of sapphire and turquoise and cobalt to form waves against the sand. Flashes of color like tropical fish splashed against the blue. There were no sharp corners or perfectly gridded blocks here. Everything was soft curves and gently meandering lanes between dwellings. Overhead the dome kept the rain at bay and the glowing street lights made the stones shine.

"It's beautiful, Kolyat!" she said. "Your whole city is a work of art."

"Each one has a different theme," he told her. "Feron's village is jungle and displays trees and brightly colored birds and other animals. Another I visited once that had been built over a field shows flowers in a meadow. We like color. Feron is actually considered exceptionally attractive among our people for that very reason."

"The two of you make me feel like a duck between peacocks sometimes," she admitted. When he looked at her blankly, she pulled up images on her omni-tool of both.

"That one's colorful," he said, pointing at a duck.

"That's a mallard. It's a male," she said.

"Oh. Well, among drell, the males generally are the more colorful. See that triad over there?" he asked, looking toward a trio walking casually in their direction. One was a cobalt blue that reminded her of Garrus' _blood_ colony markings. The second was a deep, shimmering purple the same shade as Tali's hood _fluttering around the face of an angel who refused to use her wings_. In between was a smaller drell with what almost looked to be fringe like Saren's _Sovereign sensed my doubts_ around her face. Her scales were a pale, buttery yellow that, while pretty, was certainly not as vivid as the two flanking her.

"I see what you mean," she said, her grip tightening on his hand as she tried to push the memories away. _Not here. Not now. This isn't the time, Shepard._

Kolyat saw her face go from smiling to blank and felt her hand tighten on his. He was familiar by now with the signs of an impending panic attack. They didn't come often now but something about the trio had triggered an unpleasant memory. He led her between two buildings and cupped her face in his hands. "Come back to me, Shepard. You're safe. You're on Kahje. You're safe. The Reapers are gone."

Her voice was wooden as she recited, "The Reapers are dead. I killed them. Saren is dead. I killed him. Tali is dead. She killed herself. Her death is my fault. Garrus is alive. I saved Garrus. I'm Commander Shepard and I killed the Reapers. The war is over. I'm on Kahje with Kolyat and Feron. Saren is dead. Tali is dead. Garrus is alive. I am alive."

"That's right," he encouraged. "You're alive and we're together and you're safe. You didn't just save Garrus. You saved Feron and me and trillions of other people." He wanted to tell her that she was a hero, but that just seemed to make her angry and drive her deeper into self-loathing. He knew she'd made difficult choices and he couldn't claim to entirely understand all of her reasons but he knew that the one driving motivation behind all of them had been to make whatever choice would provide her with the best chance of defeating the Reapers. Her happiness hadn't been even a secondary or tertiary factor. It hadn't been a factor at all.

He remembered a conversation they'd had some time after his father's death. She'd come in to the Citadel for supplies and had run into him as he was patrolling the docks. He'd just broken up a fight between a batarian and Lieutenant Vega and could clearly remember the look on her face when he'd turned to see her standing behind him. She'd been rocked back on her heel with her arms across her chest in what she called her commander pose. She'd shot Vega a withering look and threatened to revoke his shore leave and had then turned her attention to Kolyat. Her eyes had roved over him with a look that he now realized had been a mixture of surprise, affection, and a little bit of desire.

She'd looked exhausted. Her uniform had hung loosely on her already slim body and her cheekbones had been so pronounced they looked almost drell. There'd been a tension around her eyes even when she smiled and shadows behind them had only hinted at the horrors she'd seen and the pressure she'd borne without complaint. He'd shamelessly used his father to convince her to take a break with him and they'd gone to a cafe in the commons. She'd updated him on the progress they'd made and her voice had contained a flat tone that spoke more than her words of her weariness and the hope she'd been losing.

He'd asked her what she was doing for herself among all of the tasks she'd set out to do for her crew and the acquaintances and even strangers who had solicited her help. She'd just stared at him and he'd asked her what she was doing to safeguard her own happiness in the midst of bolstering Garrus and helping Cortez find peace and saving his homeworld from indoctrinated hanar. She'd said, ‘Happiness?’ and recited the Emerson quote she'd had engraved into the plaque holding his father's picture in her apartment. 'The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.' He'd wanted to tell her that if anyone in the galaxy had done all of those things and deserved a little happiness it was her but even then he'd known her well enough to know that she would have blown him off and told him there was no room for happiness in war.

He pulled her into his arms now and breathed in the light floral fragrance of her silken hair that had mixed with the scent of rain and sea brine and the essence that was just her. She allowed him to hold her for a moment before saying, "I'm all right. Sorry. I just..."

"I know," he said and pulled back. The moment was over. It was time to pretend nothing had happened, so he took her hand again and led her again.

He stopped in front of a house that looked similar to the others but on which she recognized the word 'Krios' scrolled in his language on the door. Her heart thumped and her mouth went dry as he opened the door and walked in. She stared for a moment, surprised that he hadn't announced himself. She'd never had anywhere she didn't live where she could just walk in like she owned it. This was his family, sure, but he didn't live here anymore. She'd expected him to knock and felt caught off guard.

There were seven drell in the living area. Two men, three women, and two children turned to look when they entered. All of them smiled and shouted his name. The toddler rushed over to him on wobbly legs. "Unca Kol! Unca Kol!" he said and Kolyat bent down to swing the child--a younger version of himself--into his arms in a motion that was so natural and comfortable that her heart gave a squeeze. She'd thought of Kolyat in the role of son but never in the role of father. Judging by the joy that lit his face now as he spun the child around and kissed the dark pentagonal scale on the boy's forehead she could very easily imagine him with his own child. Being with her meant that would never happen, she realized with a sudden feeling of guilt.

She didn't have time to examine the feeling because he settled the boy on his hip and put an arm around her waist to draw her forward as the others stood and began asking him questions about how long he would be home and if he'd come back to stay and if he was well and who his friend, meaning her, was. He laughed, looking lighter than she'd ever seen him, and answered their questions before introducing her.

"I would like to introduce you to Commander Shepard," he said, his arm tightening around her waist.

The female holding the baby said, "Kolyat! You should have told me you were bringing Commander Shepard home with you! I'm not prepared. I'd have straightened up and dressed and cooked something she likes. I don't even know if she likes our food!"

She sounded so worried that Shepard almost wanted to laugh. There were a few toys on the floor but the cozy house was otherwise neat and tidy and the woman looked wonderfully put together in a golden sari that made her seafoam scales glow. Kolyat said soothingly, "The house is fine. You look beautiful, and we weren't planning to stay for dinner but she likes our food just fine."

The boy framed Kolyat's face in his small hands and Kol allowed him to turn his head so the child could look at him and say solemnly, "Unca Kol stay with Enyo and Fanatos."

"Thanatos," the woman corrected kindly.

Kolyat glanced at Shepard and she said gently, "We have time." They were so clearly happy to see him and he them that she couldn't ask that he rush off now. Tevos was safe with Liara. They could afford to take an evening for family.

"Thank you," he said with feeling. He gestured to the adults and made introductions. The woman with the baby was his aunt Ki’ana. The older, handsome-looking woman with scales the color of melted milk chocolate was his grandmother--Thane's mother--Agnes. The third, with scales the color of dark moss was his aunt Simah. The two males were Ki’ana and Simah's husbands. Simah's husband Marin looked so much like Thane that her heart stuttered and she guessed that he had to be a brother. Ki’ana’s husband Baelon was colored like Feron but in shades of sunset. The baby, Thanatos, looked like a smaller version of his father. Kolyat explained that Simah's second husband had died in the war and Ki’ana’s was "away on business." The women looked startled that he spoke of it so openly and that she understood all of the connotations.

The family directed them to a couch and Enyo scooted over to sit beside her and stare openly. Kolyat took the baby and Shepard was torn between watching him cradle the infant and looking at the child examining her so closely. When he reached up to grasp her hair, Simah said, "Enyo! I apologize, Commander. He didn't mean to hurt or be rude. He's never met a human before."

"He's fine," Shepard assured her. "Hair doesn't hurt unless you pull pretty hard and even then I've had a lot worse. He can touch it if he's curious."

The boy grinned and clambered into her lap. She automatically reached out to steady him and his small fingers went to her hair. He lifted it and let it fall and then brought a strand to his nose. "Smells like ‘Compassing!" he proclaimed with a grin. He poked her cheeks and nose and lips and throat and she gave in and laughed at his unerring exploration of areas she differed from drell. She breathed a sigh of thanks that the anatomy was basically similar below the neck as they'd stopped by the ship to allow her to change into a pair of black slacks and a plum silk blouse. She was not going to meet his family in full armor.

"Mama," the boy said, "this 'Mander Shepard. She kill Reapers. Boom! Reapers dead! No Reapers on Kahje! 'Mander Shepard saved us."

"Yes, Enyo, she did," Simah said.

"She wasn't even scared!" he pronounced.

"Actually, I was," Shepard whispered conspiratorially.

The boy's already large eyes widened further and he shook his head. "Unh-uh. Unca Kol said you were brave."

"Being brave doesn't mean not being scared," she told him. "Brave is being scared and doing what you need to do anyway. I was scared the whole time."

The boy looked at her disbelievingly and Kolyat said, "You know how you were really scared when you guys had to evacuate back to Kahje but you didn't cry and you did what your mom told you to do?"

Enyo nodded and Shepard said, "That was brave of you."

"I'm brave?" he asked.

"Very brave," she said. The boy grinned and looked so much like a young Kolyat that she couldn't help but hug him. He threw his arms around her and squeezed and then clambered off of her lap, his attention span exhausted.

Kolyat leaned over and whispered, "He's just reached the age where eidetic memory forms. One of his earliest memories will be of the great Commander Shepard, telling him he's brave. You may have just altered the course of his life."

Her eyes widened and she said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--"

"It's a good thing, Shepard," he interrupted. "You're his hero. He used to ask me questions about you every time I called home. I even sent him a VI of you."

"Uh, Kolyat, you did actually test the VI before you sent it, right? Some of those, especially the ones I didn't endorse, were, um, not child appropriate," she said, feeling heat rise. Most of them just had adult language but there were a few she'd tracked down herself and destroyed that had a more...adult theme...to them.

"You know I'm the one who found the as--guy making those and locked him up, right?" he asked.

"I thought that was Bailey," she said.

"No. I also confiscated all of the copies and data drives and had them destroyed."

"You didn't...um...you know...look at them, did you?" she asked. Her face was on fire now. He grinned wickedly in reply and she hissed his name and said, "Thank you for dealing with it, but we are going to talk about that later."

A chuckle drew her attention and Baelon cleared his throat and glanced away with an amused look on his face. He said, "So, uh, Commander, I bet you have some interesting stories."

She glanced over at Enyo playing on the floor and said with a wry smile, "Not many of those are child-appropriate, either. There was the time that Thane, my krogan Grunt, and I took down a thresher maw on foot in under three minutes. Or the time I took down a Reaper with the mother of all thresher maws on Tuchanka. Or maybe the time that a baby pyjak stowed away on our shuttle back from Zorya." She didn't need to mention what had happened on Zorya or why they'd been there. The smell of roasting flesh still invaded her nightmares at times. The pyjak was cute. "Grunt wanted to kill it at first but ended up keeping it as a pet."

"Wait," Marin said. "Back up. You took down a thresher maw in under three minutes on foot?"

"Yeah," she said with a fond grin. It had been harrowing at the time but now she could look back on the memory with a smile. "Grunt hit puberty and had to go through a Rite of Passage. Thane and I stood as his krantt. It would have been Garrus but, at the time, I didn't think taking a turian and a salarian onto the krogan homeworld at the same time was the best idea. I even made Mordin, the salarian, stay on the shuttle after we rescued one of his former students. It ended up being a good thing he was there, though, because I gave myself a concussion head-butting a krogan who insulted Grunt."

"You head-butted a krogan?" Kolyat asked. "Father didn't tell me about that one."

"It, ah, wasn't one of my finer moments," she said. "Got the respect of the shaman, though."

"You met a krogan shaman?" Simah asked.

"I’ve met two," she said. "One was a female and is a friend of mine. Ambassador Bakarah was a shaman before the war." Trust had taken a long time to rebuild between them but Bakarah had forgiven her when she'd voluntarily cured the genophage after the war as she'd intended to do anyway.

Agnes said, "Commander, I do not mean to be forward but I must ask, what are your intentions with my grandson? You are quite a bit older than he and I am certain you have no want of partners from your own species."

"She has consented to ka'mira with Feron and myself, Grandmother," Kolyat said quietly.

Shepard ignored the looks of surprise from the other drell and said, "Sera Krios, this iteration of our relationship is very new but I care very deeply for both Kolyat and Feron. I would not be sitting in front of you if it were not for your grandson and his friend and I almost certainly would not be sane. They saved my life in more ways than one. That is not something I will forget nor was this something I entered into lightly."

"Father gave his blessing before he died," Kolyat said, confirming her earlier suspicions. "He recognized my burgeoning feelings toward her and approved."

"I will admit that I had held onto hope that you would return home and settle down with a woman of our own species but I suppose that, if she cares for you, I cannot argue with Commander Shepard as a potential granddaughter-in-law," Agnes said with a smile.

"Grandmother," he groaned, rubbing his hand with his forehead. "It's not...we haven't...you're going to scare her off."

Agnes snorted, unconcerned, and said haughtily, "The woman killed a Reaper with a thresher maw. I will be highly disappointed if she runs in fear of a wizened old woman like me."

Shepard saw the twinkle in the woman's eye and smiled as she reached out to rub Kolyat's back reassuringly. The baby gurgled and reached out for her. Kolyat passed him to her, earning a wide-eyed look from her. They were cute but she knew nothing about children having never truly been one herself and never been around them. "Kolyat, I know how to hold a rifle, not a baby," she said.

Kolyat positioned his infant cousin in her arms and wrapped his own around her to adjust her hold before resting his chin on her shoulder with a smile. She looked stiff and uncomfortable but he saw the slow smile that lit her face as the baby blinked up at her with wide, dark eyes. He'd admired how she'd handled Enyo but this was something more. She was out of her element, true, but she handled the baby with infinite care that stood in stark contrast to the ferocity with which she fought. Thanatos had never been more safe in all of his short life.

It wasn't too much of a stretch to imagine her holding his child in her arms. He knew that their physiology wouldn't allow that but, if things progressed far enough, there was always adoption. She didn't intend to be a soldier forever. She'd already been told that the human councilor position currently held by Admiral Hackett was hers the moment she said the word and she'd talked of accepting it eventually and of her goal of making the drell an official Council race. If she were a councilor, then she would be home often enough for a family to be a possibility.

 _Slow down, Kolyat_ , he told himself. _She isn't your mate. She's your girlfriend. Start thinking that far ahead and you're going to lose control of your emotions and you can't risk that when you don't know how she feels. Caring isn't the same as love._ He couldn't afford to get caught up imagining a life and future between the three of them. Hell, she might not even like kids and just be tolerating his cousins for his sake.

The look on her face as she gently traced the baby's still-soft crown ridge made him think otherwise, though. She was still stiff and awkward but she looked entranced. He couldn't stop himself from brushing a kiss on her shoulder and when she leaned into him, he imagined for a moment that they were sitting like this with their own child. Feron had been right. He was screwed if she decided she didn't want them. It had been too late for him from the moment she called his name on the Citadel and his fate had been sealed the moment her lips had touched his. He loved her. He'd always loved her.

She gradually relaxed and his family began to talk to her as though she were a drell woman he'd brought home rather than a legend, which made her even more comfortable. Within a few hours, she was interacting with them with utter confidence and even offered to help Ki’ana prepare dinner. She elbowed Kolyat good-naturedly in the ribs when he quickly shook his head at his aunt.

There was a reason he and Feron prepared all of the meals. Shepard was a horrible cook and she knew it. She had one or two dishes she could make that surpassed edible but outside of those, her attitude was that hot sauce made anything taste good. It was an attitude with which he and Feron vehemently disagreed and they cooked as much out of self-defense as enjoyment of the task. He whispered to her now, "There's no hot sauce on Kahje."

"Ass," she muttered.

"You like it," he charged in her ear.

She whispered, "I am not getting into a discussion of the merits of your derrière in front of your family, Kolyat Krios, so shut it."

Gods, he loved her. "Spoilsport."

He sent a message to Feron inviting him to dinner and the third member of their triad arrived a short time later. He stopped with the same look of stunned contemplation on his face that Kolyat was sure he'd worn. Their eyes locked over her head and years of close friendship resulted in a silent conversation that told him Feron was having the same thoughts. He looked almost disappointed when she carried Thanatos into the nursery but they both watched as she placed the baby in his crib as gingerly as she would handle a ticking bomb but with much more affection. She even placed a soft kiss on his sunset-colored head before laying the blanket over him. Feron groaned almost inaudibly and said, "Yeah, we're screwed."

Over dinner Baelon and Marin peppered her with questions about the war and she answered those that she could with Enyo present until his grandmother took pity on her and banned the topic from the dinner table. She told them stories of Thane then, mostly revolving around things he'd said or done as he'd begun to warm up to the crew. She described the contest they'd begun on the ship to determine the best infiltrator and how she'd managed one time to catch him in a kinetic barrier net trying to sneak into her cabin and replace the dog tags he'd taken on an earlier incursion. Thane had retaliated by shooting her with a paint ball through the vent to the life support room when she'd come in to return the Carnifex she'd stolen and replaced with a decoy. "I had a pink streak in my hair for three days until the paint finally came out. Pink. On me. It was awful," she said with a shudder.

"Note to self: thresher maw acid doesn't bother Shepard but no pink paint," Feron teased.

"Do I look like a pink kind of woman?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I don't think that color has the same connotations for us, Shepard," Kolyat said. "It's just a color. Though I'm certain that Father was aware of the associations in your own culture."

"What connotations?" Simah asked.

"Pink is seen as a feminine color with most humans. A girly color," she answered.

"Do humans have a problem with femininity?" Ki’ana asked.

"No," she said. "I'm just not a girly girl."

"So how did you pay Thane back for the paint?" Marin asked.

"I made him wear pink Blasto pajamas to vid night," she said with a grin. "Made it an order."

Marin laughed uproariously as Agnes said, "Vid night?"

Shepard nodded and said, "We didn't get much shore leave and we were all under a lot of stress. It was such a fast-paced run that we didn't really have a lot of downtime. Garrus, Tali, and I were the only ones who'd worked together on an inter-species crew before. So, in order to give us something relaxing to do and to expose each other to our personalities and cultures, I implemented vid night. A different person chose a vid every week. After that, if we were still up we would play games or tell stories about ourselves or our cultures and the parts of our histories that aren't covered in basic classes or aren't told to others from our perspectives. For example, Garrus and I went over what my people call the First Contact War and his call the Relay 314 Incident and compared and contrasted what we were taught about it to what other species were taught. Tali and Legion did the same with what she called the Geth War and he called the Morning War."

"You had a geth on your ship?" Simah asked.

Shepard nodded and Kolyat changed the subject quickly before the memories that darkened her eyes could surface. It was still hard for her to talk about Legion and Tali. That had been the first time he'd heard her refer to them casually with a smile. "I would have paid to see Father in that getup."

"You don't have to pay," she said and called up a holo. "I took a picture. He hacked into it to delete it but I had EDI hide a copy on her server. He took a vid of me snoring on the shuttle after a mission and threatened to send it to Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani if I ever showed this to anyone. The threat worked. You guys are the only ones to see it."

Kolyat sputtered at the image of his reserved, put-together father staring patiently at Shepard in a pair of pink pajamas with small black silhouettes of Blasto printed on it. It was a group shot with the rest of the crew, all of whom were dressed in odd attire. "He didn't like having his picture taken under the best of circumstances," he told her.

She nodded. "I know. He told me I had three of the only five adult photos in existence. This one, the one in the apartment, and the shot used for his dossier. He said there was one of him with Irikah on their wedding day and one of him with you when you were little."

"He gave those to me," Kolyat revealed.

"I would like to see an image of a young Kolyat," Shepard said with a mischievous grin and he groaned as Agnes pushed back from the table.

"Fine," he sighed. "But you have to share yours."

"There aren't any," she said.

"What do you mean there aren't any?" he asked before catching Feron's warning head shake.

"No family, remember?" she said, unperturbed. "Orphanages and gangs don't put a whole lot of stock in baby pictures and I didn't stay with any foster families long enough for them to care."

"You have no family?" Ki’ana asked, sounding shocked. That was almost unthinkable in drell culture with their focus on family units.

"The _Normandy_ crew is my family," she said. "I have more mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters than I know what to do with. I just...don't have anyone genetically connected to me."

"And never will should you remain with my grandson," Agnes pointed out, not unkindly. "Will that be a problem?"

Ki’ana said, "Mother, she could always use a human donor."

Shepard shook her head. "It's a non-issue. The Crucible...I can't have kids anyway. But there is always adoption. Anyway, baby pictures."

Agnes smiled and activated the holo projector. Shepard pushed her empty plate aside and leaned forward for a better look. Kolyat groaned again when she called him cute. "Enyo looks just like you," she said, looking from a picture of him to his cousin. "Not just the coloring, either. His markings are almost identical. He's a little bulkier than you were but you're pretty lean even for a drell from what I've seen."

"We don't tend to have an excess of body fat," he said.

"Unlike humans," she commented. "We have to work to prevent it."

"What's a human?" Enyo asked.

"I'm a human," she told him.

"No. You're a girl," he countered.

"A human girl," she agreed.

"No. Funny-looking drell girl," he argued and Shepard laughed.

"I'll take that as a compliment," she said.

She insisted on helping clean up after dinner, citing her military ways, and then joined Kolyat and Feron on the couch again. She seemed reluctant to leave which made his heart trill. But he could see her eyes beginning to droop and so they said their goodbyes. They were offered his room but he told his grandmother that she didn't sleep well in strange places anymore. It wasn't a lie. Her training allowed her to catch a few minutes of sleep even standing up in the shuttle and she could force herself to sleep even in the midst of a war zone but she rested much better aboard the _Normandy_ and was less likely to wake from nightmares.

They promised to return the next time they came to Kahje and Shepard stood for several minutes with Enyo on her hip talking to the boy. She promised to send him a model of the _Normandy_ and give him a tour of the ship the next time they were there. He looked so excited about the prospect that she said, "It's not that late yet. If your mom is okay with it, we can do a quick tour now."

Thus, they returned to the ship in a larger group than left it. She introduced them to EDI and Joker and let Enyo stand in the CIC at the galaxy map. Joker, as it turned out, liked kids, and even pretended to let him plot a course and take off. EDI opened and closed the shutters in the cockpit. Shepard took them into the war room and showed the adults the table where she'd hosted a war summit and the command center where she'd coordinated the fleets. Gardener got the boy a glass of milk in the mess hall and Dr. Chakwas scanned him in the med bay. Feron showed them his office and Kolyat showed them the Life Support room in which Thane had made his home aboard the ship. Enyo liked the observation deck, though she kept him out of the lounge.

The crew fascinated him and Wraze carried him around on his shoulders in the cargo bay. Shepard let him use the trash compactor but didn't let him send the block out of the airlock since they were planet-side. Gabby took his hand and showed him the mass effect core and gave a very simplified explanation of how it worked. Cortez let him sit in the pilot's seat of the shuttle. By the end of the tour, Enyo was begging for a trip on a real starship. He'd heard stories of the _Normandy_ and, even though he was too young to understand most of them, he understood that it was the ship that had carried his hero through the war. She told him that she would take him for a trip as soon as she could and Kolyat could see that she meant it.

"I can't justify a pleasure cruise," she said, "but the next time we come through, you guys could ride with us to Ilium. I generally stop there when I'm in this sector to stock up anyway as it's closer than going to the Citadel."

They bid goodbye to his family after Shepard took a copious amount of pictures of Enyo with the ship and crew. He pulled her to him when they'd left and said, "Thank you for that, Shepard. It made them very happy and it made me very happy as well."

"Your family is important to you, Kolyat," she said. "That makes them important to me, too. And I like them. They're good people. It's easy to see where you and your father got your sense of honor and kindness."

"They like you," he told her with a grin. His grandmother, aunts, and uncles had approved and not simply because she was Commander Shepard but because she was just so utterly her.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

Shepard went down to the shuttle bay with the intention of working out. She wished Garrus was here already. She needed her sparring partner. _Soon enough_ , she told herself. He was meeting them on the Citadel when they picked up Grunt. Everyone else on the ship looked at her like she was still too fragile even though she'd regained almost all of her physical strength and had been in firefights. Wraze might have an excuse as she'd prefer not to have to fight the burly krogan but the rest didn't.

On the way down, she checked her messages, finding one from Feron complaining because she'd taught Mantis how to hack his door and the VI had followed him around all day calling him 'Shadow Broker'. She told him it served him right for the camera she'd found in her cabin the day before. It hadn't been there for more than a few hours and only fed into his office. He'd known she'd find it. She'd been amused as it was something that was just so Feron but she couldn't let it go unpunished. Mantis had seemed appropriate. Especially when Feron found the little striptease she'd done for him right before she'd disabled it and Mantis continually interrupted him with random questions. The VI had sent her regular updates throughout the day. It had kept her entertained.

She was grinning at her omni-tool when she ran into Cortez' back. He apologized quietly but his attention wasn't on her. She saw him gulp and he said, "You know I respect the hell out of you and I'd never try anything with someone you considered yours, right? And I love Vega with all my heart, right?"

"Yes," she said slowly. "What's on your mind, Steve?"

He took her by the shoulders and turned her to face the bay. "I'm married. I'm not dead and that is a work of art."

Kolyat was in the center of the bay with his back turned to them as he sparred with an invisible partner. His dark sweats hung low on his hipbones and the soft cotton t-shirt he wore clung to his muscular frame and left nothing to the imagination. Its stark white fabric made the vibrant color of his scales pop even more than they already did and the fluid grace of his movements made her think that this was what it would be like to watch water dance. She forgot sometimes that Thane had trained him.

She swallowed and nodded. "Oh. Hell. Yes."

"I'll, uh, just go up to the...yeah, you aren't even listening anymore, are you, Commander?" Cortez asked.

"That's fine, Steve," she said absently.

"You kids have fun," he said with a chuckle as he removed himself to the elevator, leaving her alone with Kolyat.

She removed her boots and stalked over to him. He spun and she caught his fist, enjoying the startled look on his face. She'd never been able to catch Thane by surprise. He cocked his head and she felt his knee make contact with her ribs. She pinned his leg and went to a knee, dropping him to the floor. That was where she wanted him but it had been too easy. He hadn't truly put up a fight. She leaned in and whispered, "Stop acting like I'm going to break."

"Are you sure, Shepard?" he asked.

"Definitely," she answered, parroting Garrus.

"All right," he conceded.

"In that case, want to make a wager?" she asked, cracking her knuckles.

"You would turn it into a competition, wouldn't you?" he asked with a grin.

"It's already a competition, Krios. It's just more fun when there are stakes involved."

He lifted a brow and said, "What stakes do you propose?"

"The same ones I do with everyone," she said. "The loser has to do something for the winner. Winner's choice." She’d used it in the past to get Jack to come drinking with her and Kasumi and to get Grunt to do chores around the ship. This was going to be much more fun.

His nostrils flared slightly and he said, "That could be a dangerous proposition without caveats, Shepard."

"I like danger," she said with a slow smile. 

His hands unclasped from behind his back and, with only that simple motion, he went from relaxed to predatory and vibrating with energy. She stepped forward, crouched, and waited. While she did, she evaluated his strengths and weaknesses. He lashed out with a foot that caught her solidly in the ribs. Even as her breath expelled from her lungs, she was grasping his foot and flipping him over. He hooked his free foot behind her ankle and they both went down together. She rolled away from him and sprung to her feet. He moved swiftly, striking out with his fist and making contact with her chin. She brought her knee up into his side but he spun away and she only glanced him. "Come on, Shepard. I've seen you fight. You're just playing around," he taunted.

She didn't let his baiting get to her. He flashed back in to her in a flurry of fists and elbows, forcing her to abandon her attack for defense. She refused to give him an inch of ground, though, and allowed him to get in an uppercut to her chin in order to free her hand and she rained down her own blows. He grinned and flipped backward from a flat-footed stance. His foot clipped her chin, snapping her head back, and filling her mouth with the tang of blood. She spat it onto the floor and shook her head to clear it before spinning out of the way of his charge.

She lashed out with her foot and he caught it between his side and arm. "You're still holding back," he said.

Her hand flashed out and wrapped around his throat. His locked around hers in response. She could get only sips of air through his punishing grip but he merely looked amused. She struck for his temple but he released her leg to grab her wrist and wrenched her arm up painfully behind her, pushing her onto her toes. She was gasping now, struggling for air and yet he seemed entirely unaffected. She dimly realized that he either didn't have pulse points where she'd expected or his ridged skin was too thick for her to feel it and he...he was breathing normally. She tightened her grip further, applying more pressure to his throat and he responded by wrenching her arm tighter, driving her up until she was flush against him. The bones in her wrist ground together but she did not relent.

Shepard met his gaze evenly until she realized that his eyes were locked on her mouth. His hand flexed on her throat and, this time, her strained gasp was not from shock or pain, though there was pain. Now, though, the pain was mixing with something else, something just as fierce as the fury that had sent her hand to his throat in the first place. She knew that all she had to do was release him and he would do the same to her. She also knew that he could easily kill her but was holding her right on the verge of a loss of consciousness. A bit more pressure, a flick of his wrist, and she could be dead. The idea was strangely exciting. She kneed him in the side again but he responded by tightening his grip on her throat and blocking the small bit of air he'd allowed her. She froze in place and his hand relaxed marginally, allowing her to take in pained sips.

She gradually became aware of the smoothness of his scales against her skin, the absolute lack of give in his sculpted body, the heat in his eyes as his nostrils flared. She felt the rumble of his silent groan in his chest as his hips flexed almost imperceptibly. It was enough to make her thigh clench where it remained against his waist, opening her to him.

She barely had time to register that he'd released her wrist before he threw her to the ground with his hand still locked around her throat. She kicked up with both feet and lashed out for his face but he rolled to the side before pinning her legs with his own and reclaiming her wrist. He pushed himself into her hand as he lowered his face to her ear and growled, "Strike out again and I will cut off your air." He released her wrist and pried her fingers from his throat with dismaying ease.

Rather than release her hand, he shifted his grip and directed her fingers to his throat and pressed in, allowing her to feel a bone below the skin that she hadn't previously been able to reach. "A tip about drell anatomy: we can't be choked by conventional means. What you feel there is the hyoid bone. If you want to cut off a drell's air flow, you have to position your hand like this," he said, placing her hand lower and at a different angle before moving it away and pinning it to the floor alongside the other that remained over her head. He lowered his head again and asked, "Do you yield, Shepard?"

She turned her head and bit his neck in response and then bucked in an attempt to throw him off of her. He settled more deeply onto her, holding her still. It pressed him intimately against her once more as his hand flexed on her throat. Her body betrayed her then as heat flashed over in her belly and her hips rocked against him. Need overwhelmed her and she called his name in a high, choked voice.

"Then, as it's clear that I've won our little competition, my prize will be to hear the great Commander Shepard beg for me," he said with a smirk. He rose and dragged her across the floor. She grasped his wrist and used her feet to keep herself from choking. He threw her down again and freed her throat. She dragged in great gulping breaths as he knelt over her to strip her clothing and wrap her hands around a pipe before dragging her belt from her pants to secure them. A frisson of fear and excitement stole through her at the sight of his hard smile and she tugged hard but it didn't give. This was a side of him she'd never seen before, a side only hinted at the day she'd helped his father save him, but she liked it.

His eyes roved over her and she saw in them a mix of fire and ice that made her tremble in anticipation. She felt a rush of warmth that began in her toes and flowed up her body and when he removed his shirt, the scales on his chest sparkled like light caught in a raindrop. When he moved, it cast ripples of iridescent sparks. "You're really pretty, Kolyat," she said dreamily. She knew that their skin contained venom that could cause hallucinations but she'd thought herself immune.

He grasped her chin and forced it up so that she was looking at him and said, "And you are hallucinating. Tell me if it gets worse. You can't give consent if you aren't in your right mind and I am not a rapist. I would like to try something with you, but if you tell me to stop, I will stop."

"Deal. And I'm perfectly in control of my thoughts. It's just my vision that's affected. Gods, your skin is gorgeous."

"And now you're done talking," he said with a hint of humor before grasping her hair and pulling her head back. He brushed his nose against hers and over her cheek before trailing his firm lips across her jaw and down the column of her throat. His mouth was the only part of him that touched her and he was surprisingly gentle as he kissed and licked and nipped at the side of her throat. It was a shock to her when his teeth closed hard over the junction between her neck and shoulder and she gave a strangled cry as she pushed against his mouth. His nails raked over her chest and he tweaked a nipple hard enough to make her cry out and arch into his touch. His hand trailed lower and smoothed over her belly before slipping between her legs to brush against her through the silk of her panties.

The contrast of his soft touch against the hand that gripped her hair tightly and the teeth locked into her skin accentuated both the pleasure and the pain. He touched her lightly, never focusing on one spot until her hips writhed, seeking more solid contact. He stopped and growled, "I thought I told you not to move." His hand gripped her thigh hard enough to bruise as he roughly shoved her to the side and she heard the crack and felt the sharp sting of his hand meeting her ass. No one had ever dared spank her before and she stared at him wide-eyed. He ignored her look and did it again.

She didn't like it. It made her angry and she lashed out with her feet. He merely laughed and shoved her roughly back down. He asked if that was a stop and when she told him it wasn't, he said, "Move without permission and I'll do it again," before returning his hand to her underwear.

She struggled to hold still as he teased her and tugged a nipple into his mouth, suckling hard before biting down. She wanted more, needed more. This slow teasing was torture but she refused to beg for him. She would not give in that easily. She felt a hard tug and then her panties were being stripped down her legs. She drew her legs up to assist without thinking and gained herself another slap that elicited a low growl from her own throat and a stronger, answering one from his. He pinned her again and shoved his fused fingers roughly into her.

"Oh, gods, Kolyat," she groaned. "I need to move!" Her muscles were twitching involuntarily as she struggled to adjust to the sudden intrusion. Even with her wetness, he was stretching her as he withdrew and shoved in again. "Oh, fuck!"

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked.

"Did I say that?" she snapped, irritated that he could be so thoroughly unaffected when she felt like she was going up in flames.

His free hand locked around her throat again as he snarled and pushed into her again, adding a third finger before she'd had a chance to adjust to two. Her hands gripped the pipe in search of something to anchor herself. His thumb brushed over the nub above his fingers and she felt herself begin to tighten around him. He jerked his fingers out of her and pressed them against her lips in silent demand. She opened to him and he slid them into her mouth. She held his eyes with her own challenging ones as she sucked hard. His reaction was subtle, a slight inhale, a barely perceptible widening of the eyes, but it was there and told her he was not as removed as he was pretending to be.

He withdrew his fingers from her mouth and dragged her to her feet by her hair. He pulled her hands over her head and turned her away from him, crossing her wrists and locking them in place between the belt and the pipe, before pushing her head forward and closing his teeth over the back of her neck and then on her shoulder. He pulled her back until she slammed into his hard chest and his arm banded around her to cup her breast until his fingers dug into her skin. His tongue rasped up the side of her neck and his teeth scraped her earlobe.

She cried out his name as tremors began to wrack her body. He slid his fingers into her tight sheath, feeling her heat wash over them. She was close, he knew, and he could choose now whether to give or deny her pleasure. Held immobile as she was, she was completely reliant on him for completion. It was precisely how he wanted it and, to prove it to her, he growled, "Come for me, Shepard," and wrapped his hand around her throat again. He did not cut off her air supply again but did it simply because he knew that her reaction would be stronger for the threat implied in the gesture. She rose onto her toes and threw her head back into his shoulder as she convulsed around him.

The moment she relaxed against him, he turned her to face him and lowered her to the ground with her hands extended above her head once more. He parted her thighs and freed himself from the restriction of his leather pants. Her eyes locked onto him and he felt a rush of satisfaction as she visibly swallowed and licked her lips. There were things he wanted to do with that mouth but he would save those for another time. He didn't mind her seeing shimmers but he wanted her fully in the present. It would make her acquiescence to him all the more powerful and he had no doubt that she would yield. She would fight, she would resist, but she would remain unsated until she gave in.

He pushed her legs apart and drew her knees up around him as he settled between her thighs. The head of his cock brushed up against her and she tightened instinctively, trying to draw him into her body. He rubbed himself against her, watching as she tried not to squirm. Her breath came in quick pants and tiny moans that made him even harder as he observed the evidence of her arousal. He could see the minute movements of muscles that demanded she close the distance between them and he used that to his advantage. She would at least ask before he entered her.

Shepard watched him watch her as she waged war with her body to remain still. She did not want to give him the satisfaction of hearing her plead with him or an excuse to slap her ass again. The latter didn't truly hurt but she didn't like being treated like a recalcitrant child. So she tried to ignore the screams of her body demanding to mate and waited for him to decide to move. His calm facade was firmly in place and she wanted desperately to rattle it.

"What do you want, Shepard?" he asked, rubbing that beautiful cock against her.

"You," she gasped. "Fuck, Kolyat, let me move or get inside me or something. You're driving me insane."

"That's the point, Shepard," he said but pressed against her. His rounded head slipped past her lips and she tried to draw him in but he wouldn't let her. He kept his thrusts shallow, working only the head into and out of her. She couldn't think around what he was doing to her. His hands gripped her hips tightly enough to leave bruises but she didn't care. She moaned as he pressed a bit deeper into her, letting her feel the first in a series of ridges that she particularly seemed to enjoy. His breathing quickened as he felt her openly accept him and try to draw him further in. Her mouth might not be begging yet but her body certainly was. He withdrew almost completely and held her as she tried to writhe. He struggled to control his own movements as he wanted to bury himself within her.

"I want," she gasped, breaking off into a moan as he sank deeper into her, "I want...oh, gods, Kolyat...fuck me, please!"

Driven by her words, he gave in and gave them what they both wanted, shoving himself inside her to the hilt. "I can do that," he growled and began to pound into her. "Move for me, Shepard," he ordered.

His pace and force were brutal and punishing and his hand tightened around her throat. She wrapped her legs tightly around his waist as she arched into him and writhed, meeting him thrust for thrust as he poured into her, merging their bodies. She took it all. In the end, she begged, crying out his name, pleading, demanding, returning and they were lost in each other. 

He dropped to her chest and buried his face in her neck, breathing harshly as she trembled beneath him. Without lifting his head, he surged forward, sparking another round of convulsions from her, and released the belt that bound her hands. He returned to cling to her, his own body tremoring in her arms. She sighed and stretched and then he felt her fingertips, cool and soothing, tracing the line of his dark stripes. Though he had not kissed her, he felt her lips press against his head.

"Holy shit, Kol. What was that?" she asked breathlessly. "That was fucking hot. I never pegged you for the kinky type. Feron, maybe, but not you."

He nuzzled her and said, "Feron is actually fairly submissive, believe it or not."

"Huh. Really?" she asked. "He's always so brash."

"He's been holding back," Kolyat told her.

"And here I thought I knew you guys pretty well. You just keep surprising me," she said, tracing her hands along the pronounced musculature of his back.

"We were afraid you'd think we were freaks," he admitted.

"Then you don't know me very well, do you?" she asked with a smile. "Kolyat, I am in charge of everything. I make decisions that affect the entire galaxy. I like being able to let go every once in a while and let someone else take the reins. I'm a lot more open-minded than you guys give me credit for. Now, why did I hallucinate now when I never have before?"

He said, "Drell don't sweat, exactly, but combat situations stimulate the production of our venom. We've never been together right after a battle. The last human I dated used to do things to deliberately get my...I think it's adrenaline in humans...going. It took some time for me to realize that she wasn't interested in me as much as she was the side effects of being with me. When I figured it out, I took her to the bar and bought her a Weeping Heart. I never saw her again."

"Bitch," Shepard said, nibbling at his jaw.

He hummed. "So, you were truly all right with that?"

"I think that was incredibly hot," she said, stretching languidly beneath him. "I should probably get Mordin to--fuck." She closed her eyes as the pain washed over her. His arms tightened around her and he pulled her close.

"You're all right, Shepard," he said.

"I know. It just...I forgot for a minute. I was more comfortable discussing personal matters with him. I love Karin and I trust her, but there was something about how matter-of-fact he was about things. During the fight with the Collectors, Garrus and I considered...blowing off steam. Mordin was the one I talked to about it."

Kolyat stiffened and said, "Did you? Blow off steam with him?"

"Yes, but not in that way," she said. "It was too awkward. We realized we'd mistaken affection for lust and just ended up coming down here and sparring...with a much more clothed ending than this had. Garrus is my best friend and I couldn't have done any of it without him but it seems my tastes run decidedly more...drell. And, before you ask, I did not blow off steam with Thane, either. We discussed it once when it became apparent his feelings ran deeper than friendship but he was so in love with your mother and, sorry, but I didn't want to be subjected to a memory of the two of them together."

Kolyat shuddered. "Yeah. For my own sake, I'm glad you didn't. I can handle knowing he loved you. I don't think I could have been with you if...you know."

"That would have made things...awkward," she agreed. "Especially considering that I developed a severe case of lust the moment I laid eyes on you."

He lifted his head and blinked at her. "You did? You never said a word."

She said, "Thane had made you sound a lot younger than you are so I felt incredibly guilty about it and then you were my friend's son. I figured he'd snap my neck if he had any idea. So I pushed it down and then the next time I saw you, he was dying and then it was his memorial and the time just never seemed right. Then everything went to hell and I was so messed up and you were there but I couldn't think of anyone in that way."

His lips pressed against her collarbone as his arms came around her and she trailed her fingers over his spine. “I didn’t think you even saw me until we pulled you out of the rubble,” he said.

“Oh, I saw you,” she assured him. “I’ve seen you from the very beginning.”


	17. Chapter 17

Liara had directed them to speak with Barla Von about the account information they’d discovered so they returned to the Citadel. They met with the banker as soon as they arrived. The volus were not one of Shepard’s favorite races but she liked Barla Von. He had helped her during the Reaper war and hadn’t asked for anything in return. That was something rare and had earned her respect…and her business. He didn’t balk at her request for information but instead led them into a small office and invited them to sit. 

His respirator hissed and clicked as he described the process he’d used to track the monetary transfers that had been made through false names and shell corporations. Shepard toned out most of it but paid enough attention to praise his intelligence. It had clearly taken him a lot of time and creativity and he had earned the praise. However, she wished he would get to the point. He seemed to pick up on her impatience and said, “The final point…of contact was…a shop here in the Presidium Commons…called Rylander Technologies.”

“Rylander is a city on Kahje,” Kolyat said.

Barla Von nodded. “That is correct, Rakhana-clan. The owner is…a hanar named…Delanynder. His mistress is…an asari named…Irissa.”

“I met a hanar named Delanynder once,” Shepard said as Feron began typing on his omni-tool. “He owned a store called The Emporium. It was destroyed during the Battle of the Citadel.”

“This is…the same. He has rebuilt…on Tayseri Ward,” Barla said. 

They thanked him and left a few minutes later once Shepard was sure she had gotten all of the information she could from him. They waited until they reached their apartment before sitting down at the table. She said, “All right. Let’s lay this out. We have a contract taken out on the asari councilor. That contract was made with a drell assassin through a hanar whose decryption software should have been able to trace the message. We have large amounts of money being transferred that traces back to a new software company owned by a hanar with an asari mistress. Is this coming together well enough for you, Kol?”

“I believe we need to know more about this Irissa,” he said.

“I’m on it,” Feron told them. “Liara just messaged me. Irissa is an asari matron who is approaching the matriarch stage. She’s a former commando with ties to Eclipse and is active in the asari Republic. She was outspoken against Tevos during the Reaper war and criticized her decision to reveal the existence of the Prothean beacon. She was one of the ones most vocally against joining the galactic fleet you put together. Her relationship with Delanynder is new which, according to Liara, is rare at this stage in her life. She should be moving away from the time of bonding and creating a family. Her current location is listed as Thessia.”

“I guess we’re going to Thessia, then,” Shepard said. “I’d like to talk to Delan and see what we can get, but I don’t want to tip him off that we’re looking at them.”

“I can hack into his communications,” Feron said. “We’ll probably get more information that way than trying to talk to him anyway.”

“Do it,” she said. 

There was a chime at the door before it slid open to allow Garrus entry. She liked that he felt at home enough here to walk in without an invitation and her face lit into a grin as her old friend came over and snagged a beer from the fridge before joining them at the table. They embraced and he said, “Miss me, Shepard?”

“The _Normandy_ isn’t the same without you, buddy,” she replied with a grin. “It’s good to have you back. You haven’t gone soft on us, have you?”

“Hell, no,” he said. “It turns out holding a hammer is a lot harder than holding a rifle. I’m not cut out to be a builder.”

“How’s your family?” she asked.

“Good,” he said. “Dad’s a judge now and Solana is running her own Blackwatch unit. She and Corinthus had their bonding ceremony last month. The Primarch was there. He asked me to send his regards. Looks like you guys are working on something.”

She explained their mission and passed the data to him to review without giving him more than the broad strokes. She wanted to see if he came to the same conclusion as they had. He read through with a speed that came from years of familiarity both with her shorthand and with military and police reports. He hummed thoughtfully a few times and paused once to say, “The Blue Suns were a red herring. By the way, what _is_ a herring? I’ve always wondered.”

“It’s a fish,” she said. 

“Human idioms are strange,” he mused as he continued to read. When he finished, he passed her the datapad and said, “I take it we’re going back to Thessia?”

“It looks that way,” she said as the door opened again and Grunt came stomping in. 

“Shepard! What have you got to eat in this place? I’m starving!” he announced.

“There’s a box of Tastee Bites from Fishdog Food Factory in the cooler and Tummy Tingling Tuchanka Sauce in the cupboard,” she told him.

“Thanks, Mom,” he said and started rummaging in the kitchen. She rolled her eyes at Garrus’ laugh. 

Kolyat’s omni-tool buzzed and he left the room to take the incoming call as Grunt thundered over to the table and began to eat messily. Shepard raised an eyebrow and he grumbled but closed his mouth to chew. Between bites, he complained about Wreav’s brood that had decided to make him an honorary uncle and the hordes of children running around Tuchanka. His tone softened when he mentioned seeing Bakarah and Shepard and Garrus exchanged a look. Grunt had met her in the _Normandy_ ’s med bay after being injured on Utukku and had become friends, much to Wrex’ consternation. Shepard hadn’t considered that there might be something more there. 

Grunt was technically an adult but she couldn’t forget that he had only been alive for a few years. To her, he was still a bit of a child even if he was a leader in his own right now. She wondered if Bakarah knew he still collected action figures. Of course, given her obsession with model ships, she supposed she couldn’t say much. Still, in her mind, Grunt was far too young to be thinking about mating. When he started talking about the list of breeding requests he’d received, she had the irrational urge to go find Kolyat’s shotgun and take a trip to Tuchanka.

Kolyat came back into the room wearing his C-Sec leathers and an apologetic look for Shepard. He said, “That was Bailey. I won’t be going to Thessia with you. It looks like we’ve gotten a break in that case I’ve been working on for the last six months with the Purgatory dancers.”

She nodded. “Go. Do your job. We’ll be all right.” She was disappointed but understood that he was needed here. Over the past six months, the bodies of four of the asari dancers from Purgatory had turned up in various locations on the Wards. The last one had been found almost two months before and all of their leads had gone cold so they’d thought the perp had moved on but if there was something new, she knew that he would need to see it through.

“I’m sorry, Shepard,” he said as he rummaged through the cooling unit for something to take with him to eat. It was likely he wouldn’t be back at the apartment that evening and he preferred to eat something from home rather than quick takeout from one of the local restaurants.

“It’s all right,” she said. “It isn’t the first time one of us has had to run out on a moment’s notice and it won’t be the last.”

Garrus looked between the three of them and his mandibles splayed slightly in surprise. He gestured with his head to Grunt and drew the krogan out with an excuse about needing his input on shotgun mods. She gave him a grateful smile as Kol came over to her and pulled her into his arms. “I don’t like you going out there without me,” he said.

“I’ll be fine,” she told him, cupping his face in her hand. “Feron will be with me and Garrus and I have faced down much more dangerous things than a politically motivated asari.”

“I know,” he said and his lips brushed her ear as he whispered, “but that doesn’t mean I won’t miss you. The bed’s going to be cold without you.”

“I’ll miss you, too,” she said. “I’ve gotten used to you sprawling across my bed at night. There’ll be too much room with just Feron and me.”

He kissed her soundly before turning to Feron and brushing his lips across the other drell’s. Shepard had begun to suspect that their feelings for each other ran deeper than they’d been willing to admit—possibly even to themselves—and these little intimacies between them, while still rare, made her oddly happy. She was glad that they finally felt free to express themselves in front of her. She returned her attention to the datapad in front of her to give them privacy but then Kolyat pulled her out of the chair and brought her into their embrace and she realized that he wanted to say goodbye to both of them together.

They held each other for a long moment before Kolyat pulled reluctantly away. “I need to go,” he said regretfully. 

“We’ll keep you updated,” she promised. “And Kolyat? Be careful.”

“Always,” he said.

When he left, Feron put an arm around her shoulders and said, “I wasn’t really expecting it to be just you and me this soon. Are you okay with this?”

She cocked her head and looked at him curiously. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

He shrugged, trying for nonchalance and not quite reaching it, and said, “It just seems like you’re more comfortable with him. It’s okay if you like him better. I’m not jealous. I just don’t want you feeling uncomfortable.”

She pressed her lips to his and said, “Hush, Feron. I like you just as much as I do him. I’m going to miss him because I care about Kolyat, not because I don’t want to be alone with you.”

___

They returned to the _Normandy_ that evening after stocking up on extra supplies for Garrus and Grunt and set course for Thessia. Feron disappeared back into his office and Shepard went to the main battery and smiled when she saw her friend standing at his customary place at the terminal. He turned at the sound of her happy sigh and grinned at her. 

“Now it feels like home,” she said, taking her seat on the crate beside his workbench. “This ship just doesn’t feel right without you on her.”

“We’ve seen a lot on this old girl, haven’t we, Shepard?” he asked, giving the console an affectionate pat. “Some of the best times of my life have been on this ship.”

“Mine, too,” she agreed. That some of the worst had also come here was a small price to pay for everything she’d gained, she realized. She would always miss Tali, Miranda, Legion, and Thane and would carry the guilt from Mordin and Wrex with her for the rest of her life but she had at least as many good memories here as bad ones. Everyone she loved was somehow connected to this ship. 

“So, Shepard,” he drawled. “Kolyat and Feron?”

“It’s a long story,” she said. 

“Are you happy?” he asked.

“I am,” she said, hearing the surprise in her voice. It had been so long since she’d been able to apply that descriptor to herself that she was almost hesitant to admit to it for fear that it would be taken away from her. 

“Good,” he said. “That’s all I care about. You’ve earned it and spirits know you’ve suffered enough. I know you had to make some hard calls during the war and I know you think I blame you for Tali. Don’t. She made a choice and that wasn’t your fault. You did everything you could. Tali was wonderful and there were some good people among the Fleet but, for the most part, the quarians were crazy and obsessive. The geth were victims and you refused to let them be slaughtered while they were helpless. What Tali did hurt but she made a choice just like Samara did and you aren’t responsible for that. For what it’s worth, I probably would have made the same decisions you did.”

“Thanks, Garrus,” she said softly. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop playing over that day in my mind and trying to think of ways I could have done it differently. I got your people and mine to work together. I should have been able to get the quarians and geth to do the same.”

“They fired on a ship with us in it, Shepard,” he pointed out. “They didn’t care about anything but revenge. If you couldn’t stop them from trying to kill us, you certainly wouldn’t have been able to stop them from killing the geth. Stop blaming yourself. We all knew it was war and the rules had changed.”

“Not that much,” she argued. “There’s no way I would have turned on Wrex like that five years ago. How do you know I’m not a VI or a clone?”

“Your clone even said that she didn’t have your memories. You do, so you aren’t a clone,” he said. “I’ve seen you bleed enough times to know your body is human. I’ve also seen your brain scans. You’re no VI. Your DNA, your handprints, everything are still the same. You’re you. You just aren’t the same you that went to Eden Prime on a shakedown run with a Spectre. We’ve all changed since then, Shepard. We’re all harder and colder and none of us would recognize the people we were when we met. I don’t think there’s anyone in the galaxy who hasn’t been changed. Look at me or Liara or, hell, Kolyat. I don’t care how old he was at the time. He was a lost, angry kid when we met him and now he’s one of the best C-Sec investigators on the force. Feron was a damn triple agent out to make as much money as he could and now he’s the Shadow Broker’s right hand and works for you virtually for free just to make things better.”

“At least we changed some people for the better,” she said.

“You saved the damn galaxy twice, Shepard. I’d say you’ve come a long way from the N7 who’d never even been to the Citadel before.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she conceded. “I still sold my soul to do it.”

He said, “Like I said before, sometimes the galaxy needs brutal dictators. Someone has to do it. There’s a reason I called it _ruthless_ calculus. You told me that Javik told you once to stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask them what honor meant to them and that the silence would be your answer. I think you can be forgiven.”

“I’m glad you’re here, Garrus,” she said. 

He shrugged and grinned. “Someone’s got to pull your ass out of the fire.”

She laughed as she stood. “For the record, _I_ took the kill shot.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

Feron was nervous. He’d spent time with Shepard alone before, of course. However, those times were generally when Kol was at work and they had come before this new relationship. Hell, the only extended period of time he’d spent alone with her had been a single mission when Bailey hadn’t been able to spare Kolyat. It had been a simple raid on a pirate ship and had only taken a matter of days. He knew that Shepard had spent time individually with Kol since they’d all gotten together and didn’t mind. He knew she was more comfortable with his friend than she was with him. Sometimes he felt like she’d only included him out of pity or convenience. He had no idea how she was going to react to the two of them being alone. 

He decided to let her come to him and kept to his cabin while she prepared the _Normandy_ for their trip to Thessia. If nothing else, he would do what he could to make sure she had all of the intel he could get on Irissa and what they were walking into. Knowledge was power and information was his drug. In his own way, he was as bad as Liara. He allowed himself to get lost in the constant stream of data in order to push his worries aside.

When the door opened and she entered, he jumped slightly and cast a sheepish look at the time. It was later than he’d thought and, apparently, she’d come looking for him. He watched from the terminal as she crossed the room and was pleasantly surprised when she slipped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his back. He rested his hand over hers and her fingers twined with his. “Hey, Shep,” he said. “Sorry. I got a bit distracted.”

“It’s all right,” she said with a yawn. “Find anything useful?”

“I have her location, the layout of her apartment, the door codes, a list of her biotic abilities, and her daily schedule,” he answered. “I’m working on getting her personal financials and putting together a dossier. She’s a cold one. If this bitch has her hands around your throat, she’s going to squeeze.”

“That’s all right,” Shepard said, unperturbed. “So will I.” He felt her lips brush across his spine and she said, “Come to bed.”

That was all the invitation that he needed. He turned in her embrace and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before asking, “Yours or mine?”

“It doesn’t matter,” she answered. “I kind of like sleeping in your bed with you, though.”

“I like having you in my bed,” he said in a low voice and stalked with her to the cramped sleeping area behind the office. He stopped when her calves bumped the edge and her arms came up to encircle his neck. 

“Then take me to bed, Feron,” she said with a sideways grin. 

“Yes, ma’am.” He lifted her up and carried her the rest of the way onto it and groaned when her mouth met his. If she felt any hesitation about being with him, she didn’t show it and he felt his doubts melt away as she pushed at his shoulders and rolled him onto his back. Her mouth trailed down to the underside of his throat and it was all he could do not to strip their clothing away and bury himself in her right then. He groaned her name as his head fell back and his hands gripped her waist. 

“You’re wearing too many clothes,” she informed him and he sat up to allow her to remove his jacket and shirt as he tugged her own over her head and drank in the sight of her. Goddess of oceans, she was incredible. 

“You’re so beautiful, Shep,” he said, awed by her. 

“That’s high praise coming from the sexiest rainbow drell in the galaxy,” she said with a grin. He scoffed and her brows furrowed. “What?”

“Kol is sexy,” he said, trailing his hands over her ribcage. “I just have that bad boy charm.” The truth of the matter was that, while he knew he was attractive with clothing on, once those were off he felt like a mess. She could do so much better.

“You definitely play the part of the rogue,” she agreed, “but you’re gorgeous, Feron. I don’t know who told you that you weren’t, but he or she was an idiot.”

He didn’t want to talk about this. He wanted to make love to his girl. But she was giving him the look that he knew meant that she wasn’t going to let it go. He sighed and said, “The Shadow Broker—”

“Is dead,” she said coldly. “He paid for what he did to you. I wish I could make him pay a thousand times over.”

“I know,” he said. “But the things he did…you know I’m all kinds of fucked up and I’m certainly not pretty.” The shock treatments had left his mind a mess and two years of straining against cuffs had left his wrists permanently scarred. He was missing strips of scales along his chest, back, shoulders, and thighs. Others overlapped jaggedly from deep cuts that should have been sewn together or, at the very least, given medigel and had eventually healed into uneven ridges. More were fused together from burns. 

Her expression softened and she cupped his face in her hands and looked down at him intently. “You aren’t any more fucked up than I am and you are _beautiful_ to me. Don’t ever, ever doubt that, sweetheart. You are my hero, Feron. Do you truly not understand what you mean to me?”

“No,” he whispered, caught in the intensity of her gaze.

She smiled gently and said, “Oh, you lovely fool. I know what you’ve been through. I haven’t lived with you for years without knowing the details and I know why you did it. You sacrificed yourself for me, for just the chance that I could be me again. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. Hell, none of us would. I may have saved the galaxy, but you saved me.”

“Liara—” he began to protest but she cut him off.

“Liara helped,” she said. “I’m not discounting what she did for me at all. But you’d have done it whether she ever showed up or not. You were already working for Cerberus when you met her.” Her fingertips gently traced the band of soft, exposed skin on his wrists and she said, “Every one of these marks is one you got because of me. Trust me, I understand feeling self-conscious about scars. I’m a motley patchwork of them. You, though, have no reason to be ashamed. You were tortured for two years because you sacrificed yourself for me and you survived it and you’re still sane. You take my breath away, Feron.”

He’d had no idea that she felt that way about him. He had never wanted her to feel obligated to or responsible for him because of what he’d experienced and had done his best to keep the details of that time to himself. Of course she would know, though. The nightmares worked both ways. If he could hear hers, then she had surely heard his. She knew. She knew what he’d been through and what he’d been forced to do and she didn’t find him weak or disgusting. As always, she simply accepted what was without judgment. 

“I love you, Shepard,” he said before he could stop himself.

“I know,” she said. “I love you, too.”

“You do?” he asked, stunned. He’d been all but certain that her feelings were directed at Kolyat. 

“Do you really think I’d have agreed to try this, knowing what it meant for you both, if I didn’t? Do you think I’d have allowed you to risk spending the rest of your lives bound to someone who couldn’t love you back?” she asked. “I didn’t just jump into this, you know.”

Recalling what Kolyat had done for her, she trailed feather-light kisses over every mark he bore. She felt each one of them to her soul. No one had ever sacrificed for her the way he had. She didn’t know many, if any, other people who would have given themselves up for a chance to bring someone they’d never met back to life. She hadn’t done enough to show him that she cared. She’d gone with Kolyat to meet his family and had spent time with him one on one. Feron’s exclusion hadn’t been intentional but she meant to make up for it now. 

He gasped and arched beneath her when her tongue trailed over the broken line of scales near his navel and along the line of his pants. She gave him a knowing smile as she slowly undid the clasps and buckles and drew the sleek leather down his long, toned legs. His hands fisted in the sheets and he kicked them off the rest of the way when she gave up on the garment and turned her attention back to his prismatic body. Continuing her quest of showing him just how beautiful he was to her, she drew her lips and tongue up the thin line of bare skin on his inner thigh where the scales no longer grew. 

“Gods, Shep, what are you doing?” he groaned as his hand slid into her hair.

She looked up at him and drew away just enough to allow her breath to trail over him and said, “I am going to give you a new memory for every mark on your body.”

He said her name like a benediction as she turned her attention to the matching mark on his other leg. The exposed skin there, like on the wrists that only she and Kolyat were allowed to see without his gauntlets, was soft and velvety and colored in the same hues as the scales that had once covered it. She licked and nipped and teased him until he was begging incoherently and only then did she turn her attention to his center and take him into her mouth. 

“Shepard!” he all but shouted as his hips bucked, driving him into her throat. She grinned and swallowed and his hand fisted in her hair hard enough to make her eyes water. She drove him up with lips and tongue until he could do nothing but writhe beneath her, chanting her name. 

He watched her with heavy-lidded silver eyes as she prowled up his body and hovered over him. His hands went to her hips and she recalled what Kolyat had said about Feron being the more submissive of the pair. “Do you trust me?” she asked.

“Always,” he answered.

She held his gaze as she gently took his wrists and pinned them to the mattress with her hands. Her thumbs stroked reassuringly as his eyes widened and she said, “Say the word and I’ll let you go.” He nodded and she lowered herself down onto him, taking him into her slowly. She held him in place as he filled her and, while his head dropped back and his fists clenched, his eyes never left hers and the sounds he made were pleasure rather than pain or fear. 

She knew that his wrists were nowhere near the worst of the injuries he’d received but they were the ones that showed the most clearly and the ones about which he was most conscious. They brought to mind the chair and any type of restraint on them could still send him into a panic. The trust that he was giving her spoke more clearly of the depth of his feelings for her than any words that he could have said. This memory was the one that she most wanted to give him and she was determined that it would be spectacular. 

She rode him slowly, milking his body with her own, and he moved with her. She controlled the pace, maintaining her leisurely rhythm until she felt his knees draw up and his breathing grew ragged. She increased the tempo and he matched it, rolling up to meet her. White teeth flashed as he bit down on his lower lip in an effort to maintain his control. “Let go,” she whispered. “I love you, Feron. Let go. I’ll catch you.” 

He groaned deep in his chest and thrust sharply upward, making her gasp and call out his name. She tried to wrangle her desire. This was for him, not for her. His eyes narrowed as he realized what she was doing and he angled his hips, dragging the ridges that ran along his length against her and she moaned. “Harder,” she ordered as she rocked against him, rolling her internal muscles in the way that she knew drove him wild. He gave a strangled cry and his entire body tensed as he strained against her. “Fly with me, Feron,” she gasped and he tore his hands from hers to grab her hips once more as he buried himself inside of her and shouted her name. She convulsed around him in time with his pulsing release and collapsed forward onto his chest. 

“Goddess of oceans, Shepard,” he gasped. His arms came up around her and she brought her own up to hold him. “Memories, indeed.”

“I half expected you to throw me across the room,” she admitted. “That took a lot of trust. Thank you.”

He said into her hair, “You saved me, Shep. You came into that room like a warrior-angel sent from Arashu herself, leaving fire and destruction in your wake. I knew the moment I saw you that nothing would stop you. What you and Liara did for me…no one’s ever cared about me like that. I used to make sure I was in the vid room when the _Normandy_ docked because I knew you always went there and I would have a few minutes alone with you. The only thing that damn drone was good for was notifying me when you were coming.”

She admitted, “I went by the vid room every time because I knew you’d be there.”

“Really?” he asked. 

She nodded and said, “I felt so guilty because I thought Liara cared for you. I asked her once if the two of you were together and she said no but then she added that you’d been through a traumatic ordeal and needed to heal. She said it would be irresponsible of her to take advantage of your gratitude toward her for helping you. I thought that it sounded like she was hopeful that someday there could be something there.”

He chuckled and said, “Like I told you, she’s a better friend than I deserve but that was all there was. She is to me what Garrus is to you. Speaking of which, I thought the two of you were together for a while. I was…incredibly jealous.”

“Garrus and me?” she asked. “No. I love him like a brother. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had but nothing more. Besides, he doesn’t find humans attractive. I met this female turian once, Nyreen Kandros. She led the Talons on Omega and helped Aria and me take it back from Cerberus. The whole time, I wanted to introduce her to him. She would have been perfect for him. But she died.”

“I know,” he said softly. 

“Of course you do. Is there anything you don’t?” she teased.

“About you?” he asked. “Plenty, it seems. I’m looking forward to finding out, though.”

She kissed him long and deep and then tucked her head on his chest and fell asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. He stayed awake for hours, watching over her, and when he followed her into sleep his dreams were of her.


	19. Chapter 19

“It sure looks different, doesn’t it?” Garrus asked when Cortez dropped him, Feron, and Shepard on the asari homeworld. 

“Yes, it does,” she said. The last time they had seen Thessia, the planet had been a warzone crawling with Reapers. She, Garrus, and Liara had borne witness to its fall. It had been the site of her greatest defeat. This was the place where the strain of losing so many she loved had combined with her failure to stop Kai Leng to result in a hopelessness that had undone her. She still couldn’t clearly remember leaving the planet. She only knew that, when she had given up, Garrus had stepped up and taken over. Liara had crumpled. Shepard had gone onto autopilot. Garrus had led. “Unlikely to reach your potential in my shadow, my ass,” she muttered.

“What?” he asked.

“Something the old Shadow Broker believed about you,” she said. “I was thinking about you getting us out of here after the fall.”

“Yeah, well, not everyone can fully appreciate my greatness,” he said with a grin. 

The city hadn’t fully been rebuilt after the war but Shepard was still impressed by the soaring, elegant asari architecture as they approached the building where they would meet their contact. Liara hadn’t been exaggerating when she’d said that Thessia was unbelievably beautiful. It was one of the prettiest planets she’d ever been to and she was glad to see that it was recovering. She liked the asari as a whole and had been impressed by their courage during the war. She took a moment to remember those who gave their lives without hesitation so that she could get to the Temple of Athame.

A familiar asari waved them over to the restaurant’s bar and said, “Hey, there, Shepard,” in a deep, smoker’s voice.

“Aethyta?” she asked. “What are you doing here?”

Liara’s father said, “The matriarchs don’t need me keeping my eye on my girl anymore, so I decided to come home and lend a hand with the reconstruction. She said you could use some help. Have a seat and make sure you order from the visitor’s menu unless you’re a biotic. Irissa has a business meeting here in half an hour. Watch out for her. She’s a cold one. You got inhibitor cuffs?”

“Yes. Thanks, Aethyta,” she said. “I’m glad to see you made it through.”

“I came by when you were in the hospital,” she said. “Figured Liara would be there if she could.”

“You didn’t tell me that,” she said to Feron.

“He wasn’t there. It was Aria T’Loak at the door and some human woman. I didn’t stay long,” Aethyta said. “You were still out.”

“Still, thanks,” Shepard told her.

“Don’t mention it,” Aethyta said and returned to cleaning the bar. “Let me know when you’re ready to order.”

They found a table and Shepard said, “Feron, I want you on high ground with a good view. Garrus and I will move in and attempt an arrest. If she resists, give her a concussive round and if that doesn’t work then put her down hard.”

“Understood,” he said.

Garrus asked, “Why does he get to have the fun?”

She looked at him sideways and said, “Because you’re the former cop. You have more experience in making arrests. I don’t exactly take prisoners, you know, but the Council wants her alive if possible.”

Feron stood and bid them goodbye. She watched him leave and sat back in her chair to give him time to get into position. As far as anyone watching could tell, she and Garrus were simply sharing a companionable meal together. They’d been seen together all over the galaxy so, even if they were recognized, their presence shouldn’t be questioned. If Irissa started to look at them with suspicion, Aethyta would provide an unrelated reason for them to be here.

Half an hour later, the matriarch caught her eye and looked pointedly at an asari coming in the door. Shepard evaluated her from the corner of her eye. Irissa looked a bit like Tevos but with less silver tattoos over her face and a smoother crest. As Aethyta had warned, the look in her blue eyes was cold and hard. If this was the woman who would have replaced Tevos on the Council, Shepard was glad for her decision to spare them during the Battle of the Citadel. As difficult as Tevos had been for several years, she’d had her people’s best interests at heart. This woman didn’t have a heart.

She was alone and Shepard thought that she saw a flash of irritation cross the asari’s face as she realized that her companions weren’t there waiting. With a quiet thanks for the stroke of luck, Shepard stood and approached her casually with Garrus following close behind. “Matron Irissa?” Shepard asked.

“Commander Shepard,” Irissa said coldly. “What brings you to Thessia?”

“You, actually,” Shepard answered. “Matron Irissa, you are under arrest by Spectre authority for the attempted murder of Councilor Tevos; attempting to contract the murders of Councilors Tevos, Sparatus, and Valern; money laundering; tax evasion; fraud; and malfeasance in office.”

Garrus stepped forward and said, “You have the right to private consultation with an advocate prior to interrogation. If you cannot afford an advocate, one will be appointed to you. Anything you say without an advocate present can be used against you in a Council proceeding. You have the right to inform one person of your choosing of your location and to be presented before the Council in a timely manner. Do you understand your rights as I have explained them to you?”

“I have a meeting to attend,” Irissa answered dismissively as she activated her omni-tool. Shepard and Garrus brought their hands to rest on their pistols. “This is a waste of my time. Relax, I’m just calling my advocate. You may speak with her.”

Shepard looked at Garrus and his scowl was both reassuring and unsettling. It was reassuring because it told her that lawyering up was what he’d expected but unsettling because she’d heard enough of his stories about high-profile criminals going free. If she was bringing in her advocate this quickly, then they would have to be absolutely certain that everything was done by the book.

Another asari appeared on Irissa’s omni-tool projector. “Matron Irissa. How may I help you?”

“Come to Essala. There is a Spectre here who is attempting to arrest me and my associates are due to arrive at any moment,” Irissa said. “I need you to deal with this inconvenience.” With that, she closed the omni-tool and took a seat at the table. Seeing Shepard’s pointed look, she sighed and said, “You may stand over there until my advocate arrives. Do try to stay out of my way.”

Garrus nodded and stepped back. Shepard followed and said quietly into the comm, “She’s called her advocate. Keep her in your sights.”

“Understood,” Feron replied.

The attorney arrived as the rest of Irissa’s party joined her and Shepard calmly explained the situation. The advocate, Vyxeria L’Salva, said, “This is quite serious, Commander. We will be happy to cooperate in any way necessary in order to clear my client of these charges in order to allow you to discover the real perpetrator behind these alleged crimes. If I may, I will accompany the Matron to the Citadel with you. We will meet you at your ship in one solar hour.”

“You’ll come with me now,” Shepard said. “You know as well as I do that protocol demands that she remain with me.”

“I simply wish to give her time to collect her things for the trip,” Vyxeria said.

“It won’t take long,” Shepard said. “We have provisions on board.”

After a few more minutes of debate, Shepard realized that the attorney was simply stalling for time to allow Irissa to conclude her meeting. She didn’t have time for this. She shook her head and stepped forward. “I apologize for the intrusion, but I’m going to have to cut this short. Matron Irissa is needed offworld for a matter of galactic importance.” 

To her surprise, that worked. The matron’s business partners looked at the asari with expressions that seemed to confirm her importance and neither Irissa nor her advocate could argue without revealing Shepard’s true purpose. “Well played, Commander,” Irissa said begrudgingly as they left the restaurant. Shepard nodded a goodbye to Aethyta and ignored the matron. Feron joined up with them outside of the restaurant and they escorted the pair of asari to the ship. 

The _Normandy_ didn’t have a brig, so Shepard placed the two in the observation lounge and placed Wraze as a guard. He complained about the lack of battle but she reminded him that he was guarding two biotics and that there could always be a fight later. That seemed to appease him. She went to the main battery with Garrus when they were settled.

“Is it just me or was that too easy?” she asked.

Garrus leaned back against the console and said, “She’s too wily to put up a fight. She knew who you were and that if she tried to fight, she’d just be dead and it would be over. She’s going to take her chances with the Council and she’s got friends in high enough places that she just might succeed. Fortunately, it’s one asari against another so the Council will automatically favor Tevos and will be less likely to look the other way. I think you’ve just gotten used to everything being a life-or-death battle. You don’t trust it when it’s simple anymore. Not that I blame you. Simple has usually translated into trap.”

\---

That night, she and Feron slept in her cabin. When she woke with Tali’s name tearing from her throat, Feron was there. He drew her into his arms and rumbled soothingly against her ear. She felt the urge for a moment to push him away but forced herself to allow him to comfort her. She reminded herself that he had his own demons and that he could handle hers. Having someone hold her in the night was a luxury that she’d denied herself, telling herself that the need to lean on someone else made her weak. Now, however, she was simply grateful for the arms around her. 

When he rolled her beneath him and slid into her, she clung to him. He hissed in a breath but didn’t protest when her nails skittered across the scales on his back. His arms tightened around her and shifted her angle so that he pressed into the sensitive spot inside of her that made her toes curl. He undulated his hips and she mewled. His hands roamed her body, stroking and tweaking, as his tongue matched the rhythm of his thrusts. She stroked the indigo ribbing of his throat and he groaned into her mouth. 

He drove her higher, using his knowledge of her to wring his name from her lips as thought fled. They were swept up on a wave of sensation and they tumbled together under its force. “Feron! Oh, gods, Feron, I need…oh, fuck,” she cried as his tongue swept over her nipple. 

He raised his head and repeated her own words to her. “Let go, siha. I’ve got you.”

His hand slipped between them and his thumb brushed over the nub at her center and the world shattered around her. He drove hard into her then, chasing his own completion, and she could do nothing but hold on as she fell apart. Their cries mingled in the air as he pulsed his release into her and she fell limp onto the bed. He followed her down and she felt his lips trail soft kisses over her shoulder and neck and up to her ear where he whispered, “Love you, Shep.”

In reply, she pressed her lips to his throat. “You are so good to me,” she breathed. 

“Better than falling asleep in the shower?” he asked and she felt his grin.

“Much,” she answered, nuzzling his shoulder. 

He turned so that her back was to his front and his arm curled over her waist. It felt odd not having Kol spread out beneath her but it was nice like this, too, she thought. She hadn’t realized how much Feron had needed her nor how much she had needed him. He’d always been so brash and she’d come to think of him as the fun one while Kolyat was the serious one. Yet now she was finding a light-hearted side to Kolyat and a softer one to Feron. She was, she realized, happy.


	20. Chapter 20

“Hey, Shepard?” Joker said on the comm as they went through the Widow relay the following morning. “You’ve got an incoming transmission from Bailey. He says it’s important.”

“Kol,” she gasped, bolting upright. Beside her, Feron sat up as well, his eyes dark with concern. There was no good reason for Bailey to be sending her an urgent message when they were on their way in. “Patch him through. Voice only.”

“Shepard,” Bailey said and the solemnity in his voice made her reach for Feron’s hand. “I’ve got some bad news. Kolyat’s been injured. He’s at Huerta Memorial. He needs a blood transfusion but none of the drell on the station are a match. I think your buddy Feron is, though. He needs to get down there as soon as possible. I hear you’ve got a prisoner on board. I’ll meet you at the docks and take her into custody.”

“We’re on our way,” she told him as she leapt out of bed. 

“I’ll be waiting. Bailey out.”

Joker said, “I’m giving her everything we’ve got. ETA to the Citadel forty-five minutes.”

“He’ll be all right, Shep,” Feron said but the worry he was feeling bled through. 

“I didn’t even ask what happened,” she said. Fear made her throat tight. She couldn't lose Kolyat. It would feel like losing another part of her soul. 

“I’ll find out. Get dressed. I’ll meet you at the airlock with some answers when we dock,” Feron said.

She nodded and jogged into the head where she took what she thought was the fastest shower on record. She dried quickly and dressed in her Spectre blues before going down to the crew deck to bring her prisoner to the bridge. Wraze nodded at her approach and took up the rear as Shepard led. Garrus joined them in the elevator and the advocate glared at Wraze but the two asari were quiet as the lift ascended. Feron met her at the airlock and she left the asari with Garrus and the krogan.

Feron said, “He didn’t tell us enough about the case he’s been working on and I should have looked into it. Shep, the victims look like the ones Morinth left behind. He probably didn’t want to worry you, but they’d suspected that the perpetrator is an Ardat-Yakshi. When she realized that they were starting to close in, she went after Kol. Shep, he’s alive. He got lucky.”

“No,” Shepard said, shaking her head. “No. Falere promised to stay at the monastery. The rest of them were turned into banshees by the Reapers and Rila destroyed them. Falere is the only one left. Damn it, I should have killed her when Samara…I should have killed her.”

“I checked on that,” Feron said. “I talked to Falere myself. She’s still there. She said that some of the ones considered to be less dangerous were allowed to go to Thessia on occasion. There were a handful there when the Reapers hit but one in particular she’d thought should not have been allowed to go. She was going to warn Samara but, well, you know. Anyway, the one that worried her is named Yasha. She sent me a holo of her and of the others. She also said that there are new justicars who’ve stepped up to take the places of the ones who’ve fallen. I contacted Tevos to get a list. There’s one you know. Do you remember Shiala?”

“I thought she was on Feros,” Shepard said.

He shook his head. “After the Reapers were defeated, the colonists were able to put Zhu’s Hope back together. Shiala is no longer indoctrinated and wanted to help, to atone for aiding Saren. She returned to Thessia and swore the justicar oath. I was able to contact her. She’s been hunting down the escaped Ardat-Yakshi. She’s already on her way and wants to help. She’ll be here in a few hours.”

“How did he manage to resist her?” Shepard asked. “If Samara hadn’t shown up when she did, Morinth would have pulled me under.”

He said, “I don’t know.”

“We’ll find her,” Shepard said, “and I will kill her myself.” 

When they docked, she transferred Irissa into Bailey’s custody and notified the councilors. The delay ate at her but the knowledge that Feron had gone ahead and was donating blood made it easier to bear. As soon as she was free, she ran to the hospital, beyond caring that people stared at her. She needed to see Kolyat for herself. She had to know that he was alive. 

A salarian doctor waved her over and said, “I was told you would be coming. Officer Krios is unconscious at the moment but we think we were able to get the hemorrhaging stopped before any permanent damage was done. He should be all right. I’ve never seen anyone survive an Ardat-Yakshi attack. He got lucky. You may go in and see him now.”

He gestured toward a room and she said, “Can you move him?”

The doctor blinked at her and said, “Yes, but why would we?”

“His father died in that room,” Shepard said. “Move him anywhere else. He doesn’t need to wake up there.” Perhaps the strain was getting to her but she had the unshakable feeling that it was bad luck for him to be in that room when suffering from blood loss. 

“I understand. The room next door is free. We can transfer him immediately,” the doctor said.

Shepard thanked him and Feron came out and waited beside her while Kolyat was transferred to the adjacent room. It was the same one that Kaidan had been in and he had recovered. She hoped that was a good sign and wondered when she’d started being superstitious. As soon as he was settled, she went to his bedside and took his hand in hers. He felt cooler than normal but not cold and Feron assured her that he was all right. 

“He’ll pull through,” he said. “They already gave him the blood I donated and he’ll be better now that we’re here. We recover faster when our mates are near.” 

She gently stroked the side of Kolyat’s face and leaned down to press her lips to the pentagonal scale in the center of his forehead. “Come back to me,” she whispered. 

Shepard and Feron stayed by his side during the following days. She left him only to give her reports to the Council and to meet with Shiala in the Spectre offices. She was glad to see the olive-colored asari commando and had been impressed by both her capability and her dedication. She confirmed Falere’s suspicions that Yasha was the most likely suspect and had already begun to look for her on the Citadel. Shepard put her into contact with Bailey and Kolyat’s partner, Investigator Haron. She wanted to go look for the Ardat-Yakshi herself but Shiala assured her that she could handle it and would alert her when she found a lead.

“I know I don’t have to ask you this, but I’m going to anyway,” Shiala said. “Do you have any objection to the use of lethal force when we find her? She didn’t return to the monastery as she was required to do and has killed people. We can’t trust her to stay.”

Shepard smiled grimly and said, “I fully support the use of lethal force.”

“I thought you might,” Shiala said. “You know, I’m just lucky you decided I’d be better as an ally than dead.”

___

He woke on the fourth day. Feron had gone out to get food for them and she messaged him when Kol began to rouse. Kolyat blinked at her and said, “Shepard? What happened?”

“You don’t remember?” she asked, moving to sit gingerly on the side of the bed. He reached out and took her hand. 

“No. Not…not exactly. It’s…fuzzy. A group of us went to Purgatory. We’d put out word with the dancers to alert us if an asari started paying more attention to them than normal. One of them recognized someone who’d been hanging around before the last disappearance and a few of us went in undercover.” He snorted lightly. “I should have known that I can’t do that here. Drell stand out too much. By the time we’d gotten there, the dancer who’d called us had left. This asari came over and started flirting with me. I didn’t think she was our suspect because she’s gone exclusively for asari and there was another who was paying very close attention to the dancers that had our attention. When she realized that I wasn’t responding to her flirtations, she said she had information on our case. I went with her with Haron following behind…at least, I thought he was behind me. The asari we’d been watching had made a move and Haron broke off to move in. I turned to follow him and she grabbed me and her eyes turned black. The only thing I remember after that is pain.”

“A thrall,” Shepard said. “Samara said that Morinth once enslaved an entire village and forced her to kill them to get to her. The other asari was a decoy.”

“I would ask how you know, but Feron probably told you,” he groaned. “I didn’t want you to worry. I thought I could handle it.”

“You should have told me,” she said. “You know I have experience with them. I could have warned you.” 

“She got away, didn’t she?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she told him. “Haron and I are working with a justicar to track her down.”

“Did Bailey call you back?” he asked. “You didn’t break off your mission because of me, did you?”

“We got Irissa,” Shepard told him. “She’s in C-Sec’s custody now and the Council is reviewing the evidence and preparing for her trial. What made you think you could handle an Ardat-Yakshi alone?”

“They seduce their prey,” he said simply. “I can’t be seduced by anyone else. Gods, my _head_.” She reached over and pressed the button to deliver another dose of pain medication to him and after a moment he reached for her and pulled her down to him. “I missed you, Shepard,” he murmured against her lips.

“I missed you, too, Kol,” she said.

The door opened and Feron came in with a bag that smelled like food. He placed it on the table before approaching the bed. Kolyat reached up with his free hand and drew Feron down as well. “Hey, Kol,” Feron said as their lips met. “You’re an idiot, you know that?”

“I’m injured,” Kol said. “Cut me some slack.”

“You’re injured because you’re an idiot,” Feron countered but his eyes closed as Kolyat rubbed his frill against Feron’s. “Huh. Guess you finally decided to stop being an idiot about some things.”

Shepard had the feeling that she was missing something but she had seen enough to catch the gist and she smiled at her men. Kol would be all right and they were all together again. Now she just needed to find that damn Ardat-Yakshi and take her out.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

The doctor released Kolyat the following day and Shepard and Feron took him home. Her omni-tool pinged as they came through the door and she accepted the call from Shiala who told her that they’d found something. He could see that Shepard wanted to be there for him, but she was torn by the need to find the person who’d tried to kill him. Feron told her to go and promised to stay with him. She nodded and placed a call to Garrus and Wraze ordering them to meet her at the location that Shiala had given her. 

When she left, Feron turned to him and hummed curiously. Kolyat shrugged and said, “I didn’t tell Shepard everything. When that Ardat-Yakshi started probing into my head, I found I was able to resist her to a point because of Shepard…and you. It’s not just sex. It may have started that way but it hasn’t been for a long time.”

“It’s about damn time, you idiot,” Feron said and laid his forehead on Kol’s shoulder. “I don’t know what I would have done if she hadn’t been okay with us. I’m glad we didn’t have to choose.”

“Me, too,” Kolyat said and put his arms around Feron, sliding his hands under the smooth leather of his jacket. He’d been busy working while they’d been away but the nights had still been far too long and far too quiet here alone. He wasn’t accustomed to the emptiness of the apartment and had missed his companions. The medication the doctor had given him had dulled the residual pounding in his head to a mild throb and that was overshadowed by the need to reconnect. 

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” Feron asked as his hands trailed across Kol’s chest.

“I’m fine. Just a headache and I’m sure you can distract me,” he said with a grin. 

Feron nipped his throat and said, “Just relax and let me take care of you.”

Their hands bumped as they undressed each other. The need to touch and reassure each other that they were alive interfered with getting buckles and straps unfastened efficiently. They gave up on any hope of reaching the bedroom and Feron guided him instead to the bar that separated the kitchen from the living area. Leather garments fell unheeded to the floor and then Kolyat’s back was pressed against Feron’s front. He braced his hands on the counter and felt the sharp, familiar pressure as Feron pushed slowly into him. It stole his breath and left him trembling and he felt Feron’s arm band around him to offer support. 

“I missed you,” Kolyat admitted, turning his head to look at his lover. 

“I missed you, too,” Feron said and pushed deeper to bring their lips together, making Kolyat groan. Feron’s hips began to move and Kol met his thrusts. When Feron’s hand wrapped around him and his other entwined with Kolyat’s own on the counter, he nipped Feron’s lip and brought his free hand up to cup the back of his neck. 

“C’mon, Kol,” he murmured and a tremor ran down Kolyat’s spine as his muscles tensed. He felt raw, caught between the thrust of Feron’s hips and the smooth strokes of his hand as Feron’s mouth left his to trail down his throat. Kol groaned Feron’s name loudly as he arched in his arms and felt Feron let himself go. Kol reached back and grabbed his hip to hold him in close and his hand trembled as Feron’s thumb swept over his head and Kolyat spilled into his palm. They remained braced against the counter as their breathing evened out and Feron dropped his head onto the back of his shoulder once more. “Never scare me like that again,” Feron said. “We thought we’d lost you.”

___

Shiala was waiting for her in a section of Bachjaret Ward that was primarily occupied by blue-collar workers. It was a large step up from the slums everyone tried so hard to pretend didn’t exist but couldn’t compare to the luxurious residences of the Presidium or even of the upper wards. The area had been as affected by the Crucible as most of the other wards and she was fairly certain that the keepers were the only ones who had made an effort to begin cleanup. Now that the Presidium was completed and the hull of the station itself had been repaired, the wealthier upper wards were the focus. Middle class areas would have to wait and the slums might get fixed around the time that the vorcha evolved into productive members of society.

Bailey had used the holo that Falere had sent to Feron to scan the wards for Yasha utilizing the network of security cameras that covered the station and had narrowed her location down to a single modest apartment building. She had faced worse odds. Shiala had questioned some of the nearby shop owners who had confirmed that a group of asari had taken over the building and that they had begun exhibiting strange behavior. It was enough to uphold Shepard’s theory that the Ardat-Yakshi was building an army of thralls. She was probably expecting to send them up against C-Sec and hadn’t realized that she’d caught the attention of a Spectre and a justicar. 

“How do you want to play this?” Shiala asked. “I just have to verify that she’s dead. This is your show, Shepard.”

Shepard grinned at Garrus and he smiled at the echo of his long-ago words to her. She pulled up the building’s layout on her omni-tool and said, “Get everyone you can out. These people are victims. We’ll try to limit the number of casualties but our primary objective is Yasha. If she gets away, she’ll create far more victims than what is in this building. Samara said an unchecked Ardat-Yakshi can have kill counts in the thousands within their lifetime. She’d chased Morinth for four hundred years. Yasha will be smart, beautiful, alluring. If she gets her hands on you, she’ll make you want her. Nothing will matter but what she wants. So don’t let her get her hands on you. Her thralls will be utterly devoted to her and willing to die to protect her and I don't know if that will end when she dies. They will resist. Don’t try to reason with them. Wraze will go in first through the front with a stun grenade. Shiala, you make entry from the back and get people out if you can. Take out the ones you can’t. The three of us will proceed up this set of stairs. Shiala, you take these. When we locate her, we’ll converge on her from both sides. Get her in stasis as quickly as you can.” 

They confirmed their understanding of the plan and Shiala moved to the rear of the building. When she signaled that she was in position, Wraze barreled through the doors and deployed a stun grenade. He motioned them forward and Shepard took the lead. Several asari came out of the apartments into the hallway, looking dazed, and she saw a flash of olive as Shiala began to call for them to follow her out. They didn’t seem to notice the trio at the front and must have assumed she was one of them because they went obediently with her. Shepard, Garrus, and Wraze cleared the floor and, after ensuring that Yasha wasn’t there, moved up to the second level. 

The concussion from the grenade had been heard here but no one seemed to know what was happening. The trio took advantage of the confusion to disable the ones milling in the hallway for Shiala to remove. That was the last peaceful resolution they got. The thralls figured out that they were being invaded and, rather than lock themselves into their homes, they came out to fight. Shepard and her team used the vacant apartments for cover as they fought their way through the floor. A part of her said that killing these people was wrong but another reminded her that Yasha was the one truly responsible. She called upon the detachment that had allowed her to look at her enemies not as people with families and hopes and fears but as nothing more than targets in her scope. 

One of the thralls caught her with a warp and Wraze turned his shotgun on the asari as Shepard pivoted and fired a plasma ball at another before firing her pistol at a third. Garrus’ assault rifle clattered as he dealt with his own targets. Shiala moved behind them, gathering the fallen in groups and using her biotics to carry them out of the building. Shepard saw another asari step out into the hallway with a rocket launcher of all things. She hadn’t realized that anyone but vorcha were stupid enough to use a rocket launcher indoors but could only guess that the effects of Yasha’s manipulation had reduced her victims’ intelligence. Before she had time to call out a warning to the others, Wraze charged and sent the launcher spinning away. Shiala pulled it to her and said, “I’ll just get rid of this thing before someone takes the whole building down.”

“Appreciate it,” Shepard said as she cast another plasma ball at an asari who had begun to glow biotic blue and was locked onto Garrus. 

By the fourth floor, Shepard was well and truly pissed off. Her thought in coming here had been of Kolyat lying helpless in a hospital bed or broken and bleeding on the ground as his brain hemorrhaged but upon seeing the sheer number of victims the Ardat-Yakshi had claimed, her motivation had expanded. She had known intellectually that Morinth was dangerous and had killed. She’d met Nef’s mother and seen the woman’s grief. However, she had found nothing appealing in Morinth and thought her too brazen and cheap to truly be a threat. Samara’s warning had kept her from underestimating her but she hadn’t fully internalized the scale of the damage that one twisted asari could cause with nothing more than her mind. 

They located Yasha on the fifth and final floor. She’d sent her thralls in waves while hiding in an apartment and allowing them to die for her as they were more than willing to do. Victims or not, Shepard was not going to let these people keep her from her goal. Garrus made an angry comment about the waste of life and Shepard agreed with him. It was one more thing for which the Ardat-Yakshi was going to pay. The final defense was another asari with a rocket launcher and she ducked out of the apartment where Yasha was hiding and fired blindly. Shepard, Garrus, and Wraze dove out of the way and managed to escape the blast, but the building shuddered as a large portion of the wall and floor exploded outward. Wraze charged again before the commando could get off another shot and Garrus’ sniper rifle placed a neat hole in the center of her head.

Yasha was hidden in a back bedroom and when she saw Shepard and her group, she held up her hands and began speaking quickly. “I’m sorry!” she cried. “I’m sorry! I tried so hard, I swear it. I just can’t stop. It’s like a drug. I can’t stop. You have to make me stop. I don’t want to hurt them. I was going to return to the monastery but then the Reapers hit and I heard the facility had been destroyed. I fought the Reapers. The banshees wanted me but I drained them. I tried to help. But then the war was over and I had nowhere to go and nothing to distract me and the hunger returned. Please, help me!”

“Bullshit,” Shepard said. “You knew exactly what you were doing. If you really wanted to get caught, you would have turned yourself in. You wouldn’t have sent out your decoy and targeted the cop. You planned that.”

Yasha’s eyes narrowed and she shouted, “I’ll tear you apart!” as she cast a wave of biotic energy at Shepard. A barrier shimmered into existence around them and Shepard nodded her thanks at Shiala as Wraze warped the Ardat-Yakshi, taking down her barriers. Garrus’ concussive shot weakened her armor and Shepard stepped forward and emptied her thermal clip into Yasha’s head. Wraze gave a krogan stomp of approval and said, “Fitting, Shepard.”

“I thought so,” she agreed. “Now, let’s go see if we can find any survivors. I don’t know if her death will free them or not.”

They turned to leave and found themselves faced with a wall of asari staring at Yasha with horrified expressions. She thought for a moment that they were simply stunned at the realization of what had been done to them until one glared at her and began to glow. Shiala shouted, “Oh, shit!” and threw another barrier around them. “Run!”

“Wraze!” Shepard shouted as they pushed their way through the crowd. 

“I got this,” he told her as he paused to set a charge and then barreled ahead, throwing the asari aside as he went to clear a path for them. He placed another charge in the stairwell and more on each floor. The middle ones were still clear and he met no resistance but the first floor was crowded with the people that Shiala had worked to remove and they attacked the moment the intruders were in sight. 

“Hurry, Shepard,” Shiala said. “I’m a vanguard, not an adept. I can’t hold this for much longer.”

Wraze planted the last of the charges and Shepard nodded. They ran from the building and boosted their shields as the justicar’s barrier fell. They only had to fire upon the thralls for a moment before Wraze grabbed them and shoved them back against the wall of a shop across the street. The resulting explosion threatened to send Shepard back to the Crucible as she felt the heat wash over her face and watched the flames roll out toward them but then Garrus’ arm was on her shoulder and he was saying her name, reminding her of where she was. She thanked him for it but was furious with the Catalyst for taking away her ability to enjoy a good explosion. 

\--- 

It was late before Shepard returned to the apartment and she was exhausted. Bailey had been furious at the destruction of the building. There were still more people than there were dwellings on the Citadel and the loss of an entire apartment building was unfortunate. She’d let him rant at her and then told him it was necessary. He’d let her use his office to write up her reports for both him and the Council before sending her home with thanks for helping them with their problem. 

The apartment was quiet when she entered and she looked in Kolyat’s room downstairs but didn’t see him. She thought he was likely in Feron’s room then and picked up the jackets they’d left draped over a chair. She knew they’d kick themselves in the morning for not properly hanging them up. There was a plate on the counter with a kinetic barrier sheet over it and she placed it in the heating unit to warm up while she checked the living area and scanned the balcony. 

The upstairs was dark so she decided that she was probably right in thinking that they’d gone to bed. She stifled her disappointment. She’d wanted to spend the evening at home with her men and she had especially wanted to see Kolyat. She still felt the need to reassure herself that he was all right. He needed his rest, though, and she thought that after the display between them the day before that they probably needed each other more than she needed them. She decided not to wake them. She could see them in the morning. 

She recognized Feron’s cooking and smiled as she sat down at the island bar by the stove to eat the dinner they’d so thoughtfully left for her. The reassurance that they hadn’t forgotten her even when they were taking some well-earned alone time made her feel valued. She ate it gratefully and placed the dishes in the dishwasher before heading to her own room. She debated whether she should look in on Kol and Feron but Feron’s door was closed and weariness had started to weigh on her as she climbed the stairs so she went into her room without stopping. 

Kolyat and Feron were in her bed. Feron was spooned behind Kol who’d taken up his customary sprawl. She smiled when she saw them and decided that she could slip in behind Feron without waking them but, first, she desperately needed to get clean. She stank of smoke and blood and her skin was coated in dry sweat. She padded silently across the room to the spacious bathroom and glanced longingly at the hot tub though she knew that she would fall asleep if she got in there now. Instead, she stripped out of her armor and undersuit and went to the shower.

The hot water eased her cramped muscles and she rested her head against the cool tile of the wall. A shift in the spray gave her an instant’s notice before a pair of strong arms slipped around her from behind. She tried to turn to face him, but Kolyat held her still with a sharp nip to the back of her neck. Tension she hadn’t realized she was still carrying flowed out of her and she relaxed into his embrace. His hands followed the path of the water down her torso as he soothed the marks of his teeth with lips and tongue. His fingers dipped into her and she gasped his name and rocked into him. 

She wasn’t prepared for the desperation that seemed to grip him but went with it anyway when his knees dipped and he lined himself up so that he could push solidly into her. He pinned her hands against the wall with one of his and used his arm around her waist to lift her onto her toes to compensate for the difference in their heights. Her nails dug into the tile as he drove forcefully into her and claimed the back of her neck once more. His hand gripped her hip hard enough to bruise but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She realized that he’d been afraid for her and she responded to his need with her own. 

Their joining was quick and forceful and his body demanded her release. She gave it willingly and cried out his name as he slammed into her from behind with the hot water flowing over them and caressing them like another set of hands. When she went limp in his arms, he growled her name and stiffened behind her before pulling out of her and turning her to face him. He kissed her then, sweeping his tongue into her mouth as his hands dove into her wet hair and she wrapped her arms around him. 

He turned the water off and led her from the shower where he dried her swiftly before sweeping her up and carrying her into the bedroom. A glance at the bed told her that Feron had woken as well and he moved aside to make room for them to join him. Kolyat pushed Feron onto his back and settled Shepard astride him. Feron grinned and pulled her down to kiss her as Kolyat trailed a hand down her spine and then licked her center with bold strokes of his tongue. She cried out as his fingers slipped into her, collecting their combined moisture and spreading it over her. 

Shepard gasped when Kol’s fingers pressed against her ass and pushed into her with a gentleness that conflicted with the sharp bite of his teeth and the firm strokes of his tongue over her clit. This was a new sensation for her and she tensed slightly. Feron nuzzled her ear and murmured, “Relax, Shep. He knows what he’s doing.” He cupped her face and kissed her again and she instructed her body to loosen. Kolyat rumbled encouragingly and she felt his fused fingers slide into her, stretching her and realized what he wanted. 

The feeling was novel but not unpleasant and she discovered that she enjoyed it more than she’d expected as she relaxed into it. Kolyat squeezed her hip and murmured praise against her as he continued to lick and work her and Feron occupied her mouth with his own. Kol moved up her body and she felt his arm band around her waist to hold her still. “Don’t fight me, Shepard,” he said softly into her ear. “If you don’t like it, I’ll stop. Okay?” 

She was helpless to do more than nod and she felt pressure as he began to ease himself into her. He went slowly and allowed her body time to adjust to the unfamiliar intrusion. Feron’s hand slipped between her legs and his fingers circled her nub, teasing her until she was moving her hips seekingly and moaning against his throat. She felt the vibrations as he said, “Gods, Shep, you have no idea how hot this is. Looking into his eyes while he takes you, your hands gripping my shoulders, feeling how wet you are and knowing it comes from both of you, hearing those sounds you’re making is driving me crazy. I want to be inside of you, to feel your heat around me, to feel him moving in you against me. We’ve wanted to fuck you together for so long.”

The sound that came from her throat was suspiciously like a whimper as she absorbed his words and the heat behind them. Her teeth scraped against the ribbing of his throat and she felt his length slide against her. “I want you, Feron,” she moaned. “I want you both.”

“Thank the gods,” he groaned and, as Kolyat hilted himself in her ass, slid inside of her in a smooth stroke. 

She felt full, stretched almost to her limits, overwhelmed by sensation. They remained still and allowed her to adjust to them. She could hear Kolyat’s rapid breathing and see the strain in Feron’s face as he willed himself not to move when she rocked her hips experimentally. Her wanton moan was almost obscene and she tried to bite it back until Kolyat gripped her hair and purred into her ear, “Don’t stop. Let us hear you. Let us hear how much you want us.”

“Oh, gods, Kol, please!” she begged as she tried to move between them.

“Please what?” he asked and nipped the side of her neck. “What do you want, Shepard?”

“Fuck me,” she panted as a burning need sunk its talons deep inside of her. “Please, god, fuck me hard.”

They let out matching groans that sounded like snarls and Feron claimed her mouth again as Kolyat’s teeth locked onto her shoulder. She could do nothing but hold herself in place under their combined onslaught. They moved in tandem with the same ease with which they read and reacted to each other in the field and she was quickly overwhelmed. It felt, simply, amazing and she gave herself over to them, trusting them to carry her through. 

When she tightened around them, Kol tilted her head back and said, “Good girl. Give it to us. That’s it. Come for us, Shepard.” Feron’s teeth scraped over her nipple and they increased their already forceful thrusts until she was pleading with them for mercy they didn’t give. She called out their names and they pressed deeper into her as Kolyat’s hand squeezed her hip and his mouth clashed passionately with Feron’s. Teeth and tongues flashed as they tasted each other and the sight of her men loving each other as they loved her was so erotic that she cupped their faces and clamped her teeth on Feron’s chest as she cried out her release. Her convulsions around them proved to be too much and they followed her over the edge with each of them clinging to each other.

They withdrew carefully from her and lay together in the aftermath, sated and complete. Feron kissed her hair and Kolyat nuzzled the back of her neck. “I love you, Shepard,” he murmured.

“I love you, too, Kol,” she replied, slipping her hand into his. 

“Marry us, Shepard,” he whispered and a heat burst inside of her that had nothing to do with lust and everything to do with the love she felt for these two beautiful, caring, wonderful men. 

“Okay,” she whispered with a smile. 

“Really?” Feron asked.

“Really,” she said. 

“You don’t mind not being able to do it by human law?” Feron asked.

“As long as we belong to each other, I don’t care,” she answered. 

She knew that some might think it fast but she couldn’t imagine her life any other way. They had pulled her from the darkness over and over again, had stood by her when she was at her lowest point, had made her laugh, had held her when she cried, had given her peace and hope and family. She wanted to spend the rest of her life showing them what they meant to her, loving them, and being loved in return. There was nowhere else that she would rather be than in their arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never done M/M smut before. Go easy on me!


End file.
